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  • My partner is bipolar but in complete denial - is there anything I can do?

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    Old 09-20-2006, 02:24 AM   #1
    alicats
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    My partner is bipolar but in complete denial - is there anything I can do?

    Hi everyone,

    I've just joined this morning and so am completely new to this! I've never posted anything before on a message board in my life, so apologies if this isn't in quite the right format.

    Basically I'm desperate. My partner is very sick but will not recognise it, and even when he does hit his lowest points and acknowledges that something is wrong, he refuses to talk about it or do anything about it (I have suggested medical help many times, but I get met with a very nasty response).

    In the last two months he has left me twice very suddenly - we are currently separated. He cannot offer me a tangible reason why, just that he wants to be on his own. I have investigated all the other possible 'normal' reasons (has he got someone else, did I do something wrong, etc etc) and cannot find a logical reason why. He just says he can't be with me any more and that's that.

    The problem is I know it's because he's ill. I'm 99% certain he has bipolar disorder because he goes so low at times of stress and then so high - when he wanted me back last time he was definitely experiencing hypomania because he was so excitable and trying to organise big things like moving in together and getting married and stuff. But again, I know this wasn't normal because he was expecting it all to happen immediately. He's 38, divorced and has two small children - he's not so naive to truly think these things can happen overnight if he's of sound mind.

    To cut an enormous story short, please can anyone out there offer me some advice of how to deal with this? I am trying to be there for him as support without pressuring him in any way, but he can be so unbelievably nasty to me and so cruel and so apathetic that I can't go on trying to assist him for much longer. He crawls into alcohol to alleviate his depression, but he's not acknowledging that this is actually making him worse. We had a huge row yesterday because he was so evil to me for no reason and he wants to meet up for a drink tonight to try to 'smooth things over' - but I don't believe he knows what he wants out of life - his mind is very mixed up.

    Any advice anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated - I'm desperate not to make him worse and for him to get the right help and treatment - even if he still doesn't want to be with me at the end of it all. I'm more concerned about him right now - I'm the only person in his life who knows about this and who cares. I can't abandon him now. Please help me.

    Thanks for your time.

    Ali

     
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    Old 09-20-2006, 05:35 AM   #2
    goody2shuz
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    Re: My partner is bipolar but in complete denial - is there anything I can do?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by alicats
    Any advice anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated - I'm desperate not to make him worse and for him to get the right help and treatment - even if he still doesn't want to be with me at the end of it all. I'm more concerned about him right now - I'm the only person in his life who knows about this and who cares. I can't abandon him now. Please help me.
    Ali ~ Your partner is so fortunate to have you there for him wanting to help. Unfortunately, unless he really wants that help himself you will bear witness to the viscious cycle many times over and over again. The only thing I might suggest is presenting him with this post when he is at a state that is the most rational.....perhaps when you meet with him to "smooth things over" you might just present him with a copy of this post and tell him that unless he gets the help that he needs you cannot remain in a relationship with him.
    The thing is.....unless he is properly diagnosed and medicated he probably will not understand this for himself.....things right now cannot be properly understood...everything is illogical and irrational in an unmedicated Bipolar's mind. Sometimes......at that time when they are coming down from that high they are able to realize that things are "off" and will seek the help out for themselves or perhaps take the advice of a loved one to go seek it out. But for the most part they are lost until they do get the help that they need. So basically unless an adult with Bipolar asks for help and sees something wrong the chances of he/she getting better is low.

    So....my advice to you is to pull yourself back as much as you possibly can from being involved with this man other than getting him the help that he does need. Do not resume the relationship until he has made the steps to getting himself stabilized. Sometimes it takes a drastic step such as this to point the person towards the help that they really do need. It is not easy living with a person who is Bipolar and unmedicated, so you should make sure that you keep that in mind when making any decisions regarding how you will proceed with this relationship. I say that you make it very clear that unless he seeks the help out that he needs that you will not be able to have a relationship with him....let him know that you do genuinely care but that you also care about your overall well being as well.

    Basically there is little you can do.....only your partner can help himself by seeking out the help from a good psychiatrist.

    Please let us know how things go. It is admirable how you want to help your partner out....he is fortunate to have somebody who cares as much about him.

    I have a 15 year old that was recently diagnosed and must tell you that it hasn't been easy...but thank God she wanted the help and we are finally on our way to making things better.

    Good luck and keep us posted as to how things go between you and your partner ~ Goody

     
    Old 09-20-2006, 06:56 AM   #3
    alicats
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    Re: My partner is bipolar but in complete denial - is there anything I can do?

    Dear Goody,

    My goodness! Thank you so much! I never expected such a wonderful reply... I'm truly touched that you took so much time to write.

    I will take all your advice on board - it's so hard when it just seems like he wants to break up with me in a normal way, so all my natural reactions are why? I will take care of myself and make sure I don't lose sight of that.

    I will definitely print your comments off, and my original posting. Perhaps then he will realise how important it is for him to seek help.

    Thank you again. You really are a kind person.

    Ali

     
    Old 09-20-2006, 02:09 PM   #4
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: My partner is bipolar but in complete denial - is there anything I can do?

    Being with someone who is Bipolar & untreated is like living with a drug addict who is using.
    Both have a chemical imbalance and both need to do something about it before they can have a healthy relationship.

    Goody is absolutely correct in all that she says...
    I am Biopolar & married. If I EVER purposely went off my meds I would EXPECT my husband to leave until I was doing everything that I could possibly do for the health of my relationship.

    By the way, the alcohol is "self-medication" - he may as well give a real Rx drug a try, right??

    Welcome to the best board on the place!!
    Ruth

     
    Old 09-25-2006, 07:31 PM   #5
    Fierysungirl
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    Unhappy Re: My partner is bipolar but in complete denial - is there anything I can do?

    Hi. I am in a similar situation, only recently my partner went completely nuts and threatened to shoot people in his neighborhood and stayed up all night ranting about people he wanted to kill.

    Once he became calm, i wanted to talk about this behavior, but he became angry again and began leaving me hateful, vulgar messages on my cell phone.

    I had to end my relationship and I miss him like crazy, but his non stop ranting and negative moods were bringing me down.

    Now I am down because I lost my friend and lover, but at least I am safe.

     
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