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Will Stability Ever Come For My Daughter??

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Old 11-13-2006, 09:44 AM   #1
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,807
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Will Stability Ever Come For My Daughter??

Okay....just needed to vent a little bit here amongst many who have helped me along....we all have peaks and troughs in this ocean of life and right now it seems like a big trough for me and my daughter(s).

I guess it comes to the losses I am older daughter is off to college after a pretty rotten summer of defiance and fighting as the other was hospitalized and diagnosed with Bipolar and still trying to reach stability. And then Ruthie dear friend Ruthie, who brought me here, has moved on in her journey of life....I will miss her support and always standing on the sidelines cheering me on as if to give me that water I needed to go that extra mile. Anyway enough of time for me to sit here throwing a pity party when I need to regroup and figure out what is going on and what to do next.

Older daughter, Kait, came home with three suitemates, one of which is her roommate whho so happens to be Bipolar. The girl hadn't had her meds for 3 days and had some moments but seemed to get through. This visit didn't actually have our seal of approval on it....Kait thought by just asking it was an okay and arrived Friday at 2am. Meanwhile, we had been through a week of hell with my younger daughter, Erin, who needed to come off of her Risperdal and started to decline having done so. She was started on Seroquel on Thursday 25mgs and is up to 50mgs now and they increased her Lamictal to 75mgs for a week and then we will up it to 100mgs for the rest of the month. Erin is hypersensitive to meds and so they must progress slowly so as not to run out of them.

Well....Erin was extremely irritable the first two nights and on Saturday she asked to join her sister and her friends to go see the sites for a few hours. We okayed it even though she had lost the weekend because of things she had done which took away that as a privelege. We figured she and her sister barely see one another and we made the exception. Kait and her friends had been out the previous night but made it in well under curfew. We layed down the rules from the getgo, which to us weren't drinking or smoking in house, if using Kait's car must be home by midnight and if not by 1am. Saturday we got some Buffalo wings in for dinner and the girls went out and rented a scary movie to watch for the night. Hubby went over to a friend's house for a few hours and I relaxed watching the end of the movie "Beaches" on TV.

My peace didn't last too long when Kait asked to go out and build a bonfire with her friends. I told her that I didn't think that would be a good idea, that it would draw attention and she didn't need any trouble and besides Erin wouldn't be able to go. She pleaded and I told her to keep the plans they made...she said that the friends wanted to do the bonfire and she carried on until she had hubby on the phone and got his okay. Then Erin asked to go, I told her no and she pleaded saying that she wanted time with her sister bllah, blah, blah and I stood my ground saying that she had spent the entire day with Kait and that she would not be included in the bonfire plans. It was around 8pm at this point. Kait came down and said that I shouldn't keep Erin in jail and that by doing so I was making her more depressed, that she was crying and that even her roommate said living like this would worsten her Bipolar. I told Kait that what her roommate said didn't add up to anything if she couldn't even stay on her meds and that I was Erin's mom and knew what was best for her. Erin came back down working me over....I got hubby on the phone and told him how I felt about the idea and he agreed and Erin got on the phone hysterically crying. Within a few minutes hubby was home with Kait pleading her case for Erin. Hubby asked her to leave while we spoke. When I asked him why he was home he went into how he couldn't discuss everything on the phone and that when Erin was crying he had a soft spot. I told him that was the problem...he got mad at me for having gotten him on the phone in the first place....I told him it would have been easy for him to just follow through with agreeing with my decision and left it at that....he called Erin down explaining how she couldn't go, we had already made an exception for he to go out with her sister and reminded her of the penalty and the action it came from. She went into how she didn't deserve that and that it all came from mom lying....when I asked for her to elaborate...she said that she didn't leave a message on my cell like I claimed she did...I told her she did and besides that had nothing to do with it...that she didn't do what she was instructed to do and blaming me had nothing to do with it. She persisted on crying calling me a liar...Hubby asked me to get my phone and play the messge...I told him I may have erased it and said I would I did I was suddenly shocked at how this all turned around into placing blame on me and putting me in the spotlight when it had everything to do with saying "no" to Erin. It's almost as if when things go sour with her she must find a way for them to go twice as sour for me!!! I couldn't find the message, Erin accused me of lying and stormed upstairs calling me a ***** and screaming how she hated me....she got a small reprimand from hubby for that and hubby and I quarrelled, he went back to his friend's house leaving me with the aftermath. The kids were watching a movie and I went to my room for a while. Eventually Kait went out with her friends. I found Erin sleeping and went out to meet my cousin for a while. I returned a little before 1am and Kait's car wasn't home. Hubby had called her and told her to get hom

Kait left yesterday, Erin was on the phone calling halfway houses, tells hubby she doesn't want to live here and says she hates me and that I am Bipolar and that is why she has it. She told hubby I am a *****....I had been crying alot of the time and when hubby insisted on listening to all my messages the other night I felt so humiliated as if he questioned my truthfulness over Erin's...I only had 2 messages and when the first was from his sister discussing plans about a surprise 50th I am going to throw for him and when I out it off of speaker telling him he couldn't here that one....he persisted until I lost it and throwing the phone told him I was throwing a 50th birthday for as a$$hole who I wanted to surprise!!

So....Erin is blaming me for her not getting her way, she is not talking to me, & at mass she wouldn't even hug me. She refused to make her bed and slept on the mattress only last night....things are not good at all here. AND she told me over the weekend that Kait's roommate is fine off of her meds and acts fine....I explained that is because she didn't take them for 3 days but according to Kait she was starting to "flip out" and if that was not normal I wouldn't know what was.

We are trying to be patient but between Kait's visit and Erin's instability things are not going too well around here.

Thanks for listening ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 11-14-2006 at 08:01 PM.

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Old 11-13-2006, 11:08 AM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: WI
Posts: 2,779
tsohl HB User
Re: Will Stability Ever Come For My Daughter??

Hi Goody,

Ok, let's put on the Pollyanna glasses for a moment and look at the bright side:
1) the weekend is over. We don't look back except to only try to figure out what happened so we might prevent it from happening again.

2) Kait and her crowd have returned to school. You are no longer in the minortiy.

3.) Erin has new meds, and more meds and hopefully, they will be the ones her brain needs to feel more complete...and, hopefully, this will happen quickly!!

4.) For the most part, your husband backed you up on your decision to keep Erin at home while the others went to the bonfire.

5.) No one called the police.

Ok....let me emphasize that these problems are pretty typical with teens, any teens. They are, of course, aggravated by Erin's mental disorder. She was in "mission mode" to do what she wanted and felt she had you out-numbered...and in this mode, kids just do not back down. I really feel for you.
I can remember doing just about anything to avoid a direct confrontation with my son. He could argue his case better than anyone I know...was very quick on his feet and more rational than I in finding reasons why he should do something and why I wasn't making sense. It really sucked!! Actually he is still that way to some extent. We just don't have many conflicts anymore, at his age.

I think you just mostly have to ignore her behavior at the moment...tread lightly, but continue doing what you're doing. You need to be firm and hold true to the course you've set. You know that things can and will get better. You have to hang onto that and be patient. As soon as Erin starts feeling better she will get over the argument that the friend is doing fine and "she doesn't take her meds."

I really don't know what to say about your hubbie's behavior the other night.
I certainly don't blame you for being upset. I would be, too. I guess what I can say is that we all deal with these family issues differently. You react to Erin and Kait one way, and he has his ways of dealing with them. Maybe you could ask him how he thinks you should have handled it, how he would have handled it if you'd not been there, etc. Maybe that would open up the lines of communication a bit.

So vent awhile and then I know you'll gather yourself together, pick up the pieces and do what you can to move forward in your quest to help Erin find what she needs to manage her bipolar. I'm feeling for you, hoping for the best. Tsohl

Old 11-13-2006, 11:35 AM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: germany
Posts: 67
crazywoman77 HB User
Re: Will Stability Ever Come For My Daughter??

hi goody first of all HUGE (((((((((HUGS))))))))) and as the other poster has said the weekend is over. I just wanted to say to you that this sort of behaviour sounds just like myself when I was younger and also to let you know that the relationship between my mother and myself became so much better as I got a bit older and before she was taken from us we had 5 short but wonderfull years as not just mother and daughter but as best friends also. Just thought that this might help you through to know that things can turn around big time

Old 11-13-2006, 07:15 PM   #4
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Kingston,New York USA
Posts: 74
LAP18 HB User
Re: Will Stability Ever Come For My Daughter??

Hi goody,

Erin just couldn't take no for an answer. Typical oppositional behavior that comes with the bipolar. That is what makes our homes unbearable. I know exactly how it feels. I think you handled it well.

Your hubby on the other hand, sounds like he just wants peace. I also know how that feels. "Picking your battles" just doesn't work with our bipolar kids.

Maybe you should remind him that you too want peace in your home, but that you need him, especially during Erin's rages, to support you.

Remember your dear friend Ruth, she wanted us to love our hubbies, to keep our relationships strong, so that we can be stronger and healthier for our children. remember how you told about that "Bowling Night" you had with your hubby?.

Remind him. tell him that you need him to be by your side. You want peace as well. But, if you work together you'll have more nights of fun bowling.


Last edited by LAP18; 11-13-2006 at 07:16 PM.

Old 11-13-2006, 07:26 PM   #5
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,807
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Will Stability Ever Come For My Daughter??

Tsohl ~ Thank you for clearing the fog was looking mighty thick and I sort of lost my way. Everything you say is true and I appreciate your putting me back on course. Erin came home today still not speaking to me and if she did it was in a nasty tone. The tdoc came & Erin disclosed that she had been to see her guidance counselor and social worker in school to see how to go about living someplace else. We are back to last year when she wanted to live anywhere and everywhere but here. I attribute this to instability.....the meds are still not fact I would say that they are increasing the irritability but I have heard that things will get worse before getting better so I am hoping to see some improvement sometime within the next few weeks.

Anyway....when I picked Erin up from Jazz Chorus she apologized for ignoring me and things were a little better before she went to bed. So that was a move in the right direction. She also brought up how she wants to graduate High School early....she is aiming to get out of here one year earlier and I just let it bounce off of me...tomorrow it will be another story.

Crazywoman ....thanks so much for your does give me hope that things will get better in the future. I was hoping to always have a good relationship with my daughters....but these years have got to be the most strained in terms of our relationship. And I must say that it pains me to think that it will not get better, however, you have told me otherwise. Thank you for that.


Old 11-14-2006, 04:56 AM   #6
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: germany
Posts: 67
crazywoman77 HB User
Re: Will Stability Ever Come For My Daughter??

hey there goody, am glad I could give you that hope, I know right now it seems like a long and thankless road but really the good times are to come again. I have to admit I feel immense shame when I think of some of the things I used to do to my own mother and the things I would say, but then we really did have the most wonderfull friendship later on I am just sorry that we only got to have that for a few years but what we did have I am very grtefull for. Also as the other poster pointed out this is a stage in life where pulling away from our mothers apron strings and lashing out is only natural I think maybe for your daughter it is a mixture of both. Anyways good luck and keep you chin up (((((((HUGS)))))))) deb x

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