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    Old 01-21-2007, 01:02 AM   #1
    Jen38
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    Does your partner distance themselves?

    Feeling low again. I look forward to the weekends and spending time with my sweetie. I do get so tired of the cancellation of plans, the inability let me know what is happening in advance and what seems like an obsession to do something and then a total lack of interest. It makes me feel crazy.
    My bp2 boyfriend has done it again. Created distance for no real reason and I have a hard time re-connecting with an open heart every time.I have had three people ask me in the last week if he was having an affair because of these silences.
    He expects since he does not percieve a whole lot of life and time going by as he becomes introverted and wants to spend several days without any sort of contact, why would there be any lack of closeness? Even things like plants need attention and care to grow. Does anyone else have this issue?

     
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    Old 01-21-2007, 04:07 AM   #2
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    I might say it is common for BP folks to distance themselfes from time to time. My wife does this a lot. There are times when she preferrs a dark room to a hug. I still (after 20+years) have trouble with this.
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    Old 01-21-2007, 05:15 AM   #3
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    Gosh - I am BP2 and it makes my heart ache to hear the words of someone who is in a relationship with a BP.

    I am that person, who even tho medicated, still have days were I cancel everything, change everything, go into myself, don't want to kow my partner. And then, when I feel fine again, I expect him to come running back to me with open arms... Afetr 10 years together, I can see and feel that it is getting tiresome for him - I am trying sooooo hard to keep it in check. But, unfortauntely, sometimes it still gets the better of me.

    We now have the understaning that when I'm like that, we both do our own thing. Why not sit and have a honest chat with your OH. Try to make some sort or arrangment like that. That way, it doesn't feel so much like rejection or anything - just 'one of those moments' which will be over soon. Try to detach the BP world (which you are in as much as your BP partner at those times) from the real world for yourself.

    Take Care,
    Nut.

     
    Old 01-21-2007, 12:52 PM   #4
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    Unfortunately, I do that "distance thing" a lot too. I don't know why and I want to stop it but I can't. It is getting better though because I am finally on the right medications.

     
    Old 01-21-2007, 12:58 PM   #5
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    I also am guilty.I distance myself from EVERYONE except my son.I have lost touch with all my friends and family.I don't answer the phone either anymore I just want everyone to stop calling.Yes I am medicated but no matter what I'm on it remains the same.I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband I think he gave up his life for me and it makes me sad but I can't seem to change.

     
    Old 01-21-2007, 09:39 PM   #6
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    I too feel your pain with this. I have been with my BP girlfriend for 6 months now. When this happens and she does not answer my text messages or phone calls. Deep down I know it is the BP but it still hurts. All it would take is just a simple answer to say I dont want to talk now, but that never happens. I love her more than anything and will continue to love her and be there for her. She often feels terrible after this happens and questions why I would want to be with someone like her. My answer is simply "Because I love you for being you, every part of you". As hard as it is to do, the best thing is to give them space, I have a very hard time doing this. At first I would question if I did something wrong, did I make her mad? did I do something that I do not know about?, but it took some research on my part and reading a great book Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder by Julie A. Fast to realize that this is just part of the disorder. If you haven't yet read it, I would definitely recommend it. I am very thankful for that book and this site. It has helped me out a lot.

     
    Old 01-21-2007, 11:22 PM   #7
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    Hi Butabis,

    Yes, I have read that book, but I am being told by my boyfriend that he thinks he was never really bi-polar. He self diagnosed and together with his GP began to treat this about 5 years ago. He has taken a break from work over the last year and a half and now with this rest has not been taking medication for the most part. For the most part he is ok too, but does not realize the effects. There is really nothing I can do since he is saying he is not necessarily bi-polar.

    I suppose most people would say, if he is non compliant, just leave.
    Easier said than done. I almost feel like I have no right to complain since I should know that.

    I get tired of being the rational one and not taking things personally. The only indication he gives that he knows things are not quite right is when he says I know I am a really hard person to love.

    This can be a lesson to me about being centred and trusting what is true in my heart and not letting my ego get in the way, but it is so hard. If feels like I can't make plans, or be excited, or look forward to things since I just never know if he will have had a change of heart. If I go on and do a lot of these things on my own it feels like what is the point if I cannot share these important things with my partner.

    It makes me feel bad for insisting some things that I want and he will act really put out at first and then it is as if it never happend and he has a good time after all.

    It hurts. I don't know whether it is just bi-polar or he is just being an insensitive jerk.

    How do I tell?

    Thanks for listening.

     
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    Old 01-22-2007, 12:00 AM   #8
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    My GF has not been on meds for about 7 months. She moved and did not have insurance to get the meds and with her current job they do not provide insurance. She says wishes we would have met then.

    The hardest part for me with the situation of being distant is that we are 7 hours away from each other. She is also hard to make plans with. I sometimes have to just plan something and then tell her.

    I'm not sure how to tell. Maybe see if he will go to a doctor to be diagnosed. For me, I did not find out she was BP until 2 months into the relationship. She was afraid to tell me. It didn't matter. I still love her just as much and it didn't change a thing. I hasn't been an easy road, but she is worth it to me.

     
    Old 01-23-2007, 06:36 AM   #9
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    Red face Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    Hi everyone,

    I am the cancellor of everything. The changer of all plans and it drives my DH absolutely nuts. He still doesn't understand what this illness truly causes and refuses to look at it saying that I'm just making excuses for my bad behavior.

    Anyhow it's a very good feeling to know that I am not alone with this. But yes, my heart aches and breaks everytime I do this to my family, dh and friends to this day. I simply cannot follow through when I am in a mood. I cannot answer or talk on the phone and shut everyone but my kids out. Kind of go deep inside myself not wanting to ever crawl out.

    I am not yet 100% medicated we're still working on that combo. I am hopeful.

    Jeanne

     
    Old 01-24-2007, 06:34 AM   #10
    butabis
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    My GF has been distancing herself for the past 4 days, she was in the area where the ice storm hit and was unable to work for a whole week and was stuck in her house. She went back to work on Saturday and I did not here from her until Yesterday. She ignored my calls and texts. She says that she has been down for the past few days and that things are not working out on any level. That just tears me up, because there is nothing I can do. She says that I am the most wonderfulman that she has had in her live and that it scares her and that she loves me, but needs room to breathe.

    What does that exactly mean? I realize that she needs space, but then I start thinking about the worst that could be happening, that I could be losing her. I have given it all the past 6 months for her. I do care and love this girl too much and thru it all I still love her and will love her more and more as each day passes by.

    I need some advice on what the best thing would be to do? Should I not call or text? How long should I go without contacting her. With all that happened to her without having work and no power, I had planned on going down to where she lives this weekend and taking to the city to a hotel to kind of get away from everything. Do I bring up to her that I want to do this? or would it even help her? Any advice would be helpful as I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad when you love someone so much and they distance themselves from you. As much as you try and not take it personal and try to realize that it is the BP talking, it isnt that easy to do.

     
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    Old 01-26-2007, 04:25 AM   #11
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    Hello. It is really good to hear about other bf and gfs of bp. I have been with my boyfriend for six months now and I didnt know he was bp until very recently. He finds it very hard to talk about and consequently when he has had episodes (of which there have been many) I just thought he was being abusive and would make a big fuss and then be really confused when he is normal again.
    He has recently started on meds and there is an improvement but now he sems to want to distance himself more. I have found (although it is very hard) that it is best to be there when he calls or texts but try not to obsess or wait around and watch the phone. As for contacting your girlfriend my partner says he is always pleased to hear from me and know that I care even if he doesn't reply - a lot of the time he doesnt realise he has been so uncommunicative. I find the hardest thing is that you just ahve to be completely selfless - making demands no matter how small or how gentle are too much. Through stepping back from my partner he is distancing himself less from me because there is no need and although I have said some horrid things in the past and I will never truly be able to understand bp I hope he knows I love him very much. Just be yourself and be strong within yourself.

     
    Old 01-26-2007, 07:54 AM   #12
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    Thanks you for the advice. She texted me yesterday thanking me for understanding that she needs space. What sucks is I was supposed to be going to see her this weekend. Part of me still wants to go, just to see her if even for a little bit. Would it make it worse? I keep hoping to get a phone call from her, so that I know things will be back to normal. That she will say, please come see me this weekend. I love this girl, which makes it harder not to want to talk to her, not to want to see her.

     
    Old 01-26-2007, 11:10 AM   #13
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    Believe me I know how you feel. Inspite of me trying to be wise and offer advice I really don't know and spend I great deal of time in utter turmoil. I too really really love my bf which makes it so hard when we can't connect I just want to help somehow and like you just don't know how.
    A few weeks ago I couldnt contact my bf for a few days it drove me nuts until I just waited outside his house for him to come home when he did he just burst in to tears, then we went out for a drink and all was ok. I just dont know but what I do know is if we spend too much time trying to do the right thing we will do our own heads in ... just try and 'normal' and secure in yourself and that will help your gf (something I find v hard as I tend to go on an emotional rollar coaster). Maybe make plans with friends if you can but there is nothing to stop you going to see your gf just be secure within yourself if she wants to be left alone try then to do your own thing. Try not to make her feel pressured in to seeing you or guilty for not. If it an consolation my bf gone off for few days said will call when home and I fighting with myself not to ring know wants to be left alone - v v hard g luck.

     
    Old 01-28-2007, 05:00 AM   #14
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    butabis

    I have been in a similar situation, what you need to understand is that you can't "help" her. You will only act as an enabler if you do. She needs to be on the right medication and be in therapy. Taking the right meds can take a long time to figure out esp. the mood stabilizers. Then she might seem fine for a while, but there will be plenty ups and downs. And it is a progressive illness, so the meds needs to be adjusted over time, along the way no one will know when and why she might end up doing irrational things.

    I met my ex girlfriend as I call her now-a year and a half ago, she was the most wonderful giving girl I have ever met. After six months she started drifting, and when you and I see this happening we act needy and start questioning them etc, doing this does not serve any good, they can't answer to why they are doing these things themself.
    Long story short, she broke up with me in august and we where back together by halloween. She said she was bipolar when she came around in the fall again, and was on med's and in theraphy. Before x-mas she called me and broke it off agian, after having tried so hard to get me back. This time I had facts in hand, as opposed to the previous time when she left me in a complete bevildered state of mind. But I took it just as hard, I had sincerly thought that this had not much to do with her illness, and that she had only made a misstake the first time. Here we where again, the very same situation, with her behavior being very much the same leading up to this. Now we have not spoken since december 16. I started theraphy myself, I am educating myself about all the things that we know she has issues with, such as bipolar itself, and things that sometimes are related- ADD, Abandoment as a child, fear of intimacy, addiction etc. I want to intitiate contact again, since I belive that she does things when she is manic that she then later at some point feels regretful and even remorseful about. So I think it is hard for her to contact me, feeling embaressed, and fearing being rejected. But I have not yet, and I do not know if I even should. This is perhaps my opportunity to move on, to simply detach and find myself a girlfriend that I will have a stable future with since I do want to have kids. At the same time I am thinking about her every day, I miss her more than anything, but is it just an emotion, do I need to think intellectualy and just wait for the feelings to tapper off..........
    it has been eye opening on so many levels. Is love enough......? (miss you and love you nano)

     
    Old 01-28-2007, 09:19 AM   #15
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    Re: Does your partner distance themselves?

    Hey ruff et al,
    As the mother of a bipolar young man, I would advise you to take this opportunity to follow your girlfriend's behavior and distance yourself from her. Even though you love her and want things to work out, your lives are not so entangled that it would be really difficult to separate. By that I mean, you haven't married, you do not have kids, etc. I understand entirely why you love her. Most people who are bipolar can be very captivating. I just really question whether they are really capable of loving another person in the way that you or I would define it. I write from my experience alone, and don't imply that I know all about each individual who is bipolar, and I certainly don't want to offend anyone who is bipolar. That being said, I think the disorder causes the individual to be very ego-centric and self-centered. Why put yourself through a lifetime of walking on eggshells and wondering if this is the time when you should be distancing yourself, or coming closer when you could have a more "normal" relationship with someone who is capable of loving you as much as you love her? I would encourage you to think long and hard about how you want to spend the rest of your life....

     
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