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Was I really loved or was I a part of some delusion?

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Old 04-16-2007, 08:56 AM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: India
Posts: 2
lonelysoul25 HB User
Was I really loved or was I a part of some delusion?

This will be long so I am sorry
I am 25 year old woman from India. In December 2005 I met this 33 year old woman online. She writes exquisite poetry and is intelligent and just a beautiful soul and I am a bisexual so to cut the long story short I fell for her. Initially she told me that she had been raped when she was 5 and later on she mentioned that she had been diagnosed with schizophrenia when she was 23 years old. The she also mentioned that her father had molested her. When I first told her that I loved her she said I wanted to use her for sex which was kind of 'not possible' since we live almost 800 kms apart. She even sent a mail to my friend that I was desperate for a lay. That hurt me but later on I learnt that it was part of her paranoia and all. Then we started writing letters to one another. And then she told me that she loved me. She painted me like some angel (all along I tried to remind her that I was only a mere mortal) I wanted to meet her and whenever I mentioned that again she would accuse me of wanting to use her. I even offered to fly to her city for one day and meet her in a public place or in the presence of her friend so that she could be rest assured that I wasnt using her but to no avail.
She claimed to have had a long history of men using her. She has not been taking medicines or seeking therapy. I tried to talk her into doing that but she would get really angry if I tried that. After 5 months or so of being a couple she asked me to marry her on the phone. I was confused. Here she wasn't allowing me to meet her and sending me text messages that she couldnt sleep with me ever and then she was asking me to marry her. I mean how could we get married without getting to know each other better. I told her I wanted us to take things one step at a time but then she felt I was rejecting her which once again meant she was right in thinking that I just wanted to use her. Oh and I have reason to believe that she was not always faithful to me in this time period. Then one day she says that its best for us to just remain friends and the next I know she tells people that I used her. By then I had read about schizophrenia and tried practicing being patient with her and remaining calm and passive but at times her accusations left me feeling absolutely heart broken. I mean here I was thinking about how I could be with her or helping her and I was being accused of wanting to harm her. The final straw was a few weeks back. Now she is in love with some 22 year old guy. And I dont know what to do? I feel I am about to lose my sanity cause I spent nights worrying about this woman and I dont even know if she ever did love me. DId she? Or was she confused and was I just a part of those delusions?

I know she is not to be blamed for her behaviour but now I feel like I should die or something. I mean I really love this person and if nothing else I want to protect her but I cant cause she just hurts me too much. And then she sends ecards to say she is sorry but nowadays it all seems so meaningless. I dont know what to do. I worry that this love interest might not turn out the way she wants it to and then it will be even worse. I know I should have been more understanding, particularly in the initial phases or then I should have tried to just be a friend but I fell so hard for her that I didnt think over her information of being a person with schizophrenia that carefully. I am a clinical psychologist's daughter so I would like to believe that I am sensitive enough about these issues but now i dont know if i can take it any longer. I feel so tired and so depressed all the time. I dont have any less issues of my own. I lost my only brother almost 3 years ago and I was a caregiver for him for an intensely traumatic period of 3 months. He died in front of my eyes and I am still not over it in many ways. I have never received any support from her about my brother. Now I dont expect it. Today I read her write some pretty bad stuff about me to a friend on a public community forum. I just want out but I am scared. I know she needs support and help but sometimes I wonder at what sanity? cause sometimes it really feels like i might lose my mind. is it ok if I back out? Emotionally and physically I am too drained. She isnt willing to take medication and I dont know what else I can do? And no matter how much I decide not to be affected by her accusations now I cant take them anymore. Maybe it is because of my brother's death that I have become so sensitive but I cant take it. And I cant forget her. She is my absolute love and I just am feeling so betrayed.
Also I cant shake off one thought....did she ever love me? or was I just a part of some delusion or hallucination?
Is it ok if I walk away? I am feeling so guilty. Does that make me a bad person? Please help me as to what I should do. thank you

Last edited by lonelysoul25; 04-16-2007 at 08:57 AM. Reason: wrong date

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Old 04-16-2007, 07:40 PM   #2
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 4
cyk HB User
Re: Was I really loved or was I a part of some delusion?

Oops Im new to this. Just felt I should fill you in on the schizophrenia thing. My mother had schizophrenia, I grew up around it. My little brother has it too. My brother knows he has a mental problem where my mother never realized it. I believe the only reason my brother knows he has it is because he grew up around our mother who had it, but who really knows. She refused medication because in her mind she didnt have anything wrong. Medication doesnt do anything for them, it just dopes them up, but they continue to get worse. She went in and out of hospitals for the last 15 years of her life. It really spun out of control and I was convinsed being around it all that people with the desease are just doomed to a hell that we cant even emagine. My brother seemed to be slowly going down the same path as my mother. A couple of years ago my brother signed up for a shock theropy proceedure that has proformed a miricle in my mind. Before this proceedure he just slept all the time from the meds and even if you talked to him you would be lucky to get a response out of him. Now he has turned into a human that can comprehend conversation. Im telling you all of this because the disease quickly progresses downhill fast. This disease is one that I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. When you know them before it hits them its almost like watching their spirit being replaced. The person you knew is gone. Its just horable. The only chance in hell she has of getting better is knowing she has the problem and doing this shock treatment thing they have out there. Ive watched my mother and brother go through every drug out there and still continue down hill untill the shock thing now. But from what Ive heard the majority of people with schizophrenia will never believe they have a problem. So good luck. Hope this helps a little.

Old 04-17-2007, 02:45 AM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: India
Posts: 2
lonelysoul25 HB User
Re: Was I really loved or was I a part of some delusion?


Thank you for your help and advice. I suppose there is really nothing I can do about helping her what with this 800 km distance between us. At the most I can try and talk her into seeking the electro shock treatment but I am guessing that will just make her get even more angry. I'm thinking of going in for therapy myself as her condition and the prognosis of such cases that I have read makes me feel absolutely heartbroken and depressed. And I feel so bloody helpless at not being able to do anything. And the government support for any form of mental illness in India is zilch. Everything is crappy. You are right in saying that one wouldn't want even the worst enemy to go through something like this.
thanks you

Old 04-19-2007, 05:21 AM   #4
Junior Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: london, UK
Posts: 21
HelpingRobin HB User
Re: Was I really loved or was I a part of some delusion?

Hi LonelySoul,

I'm not sure why you would think that you are a bad person for backing out on someone who has backed out on you, who manipulated you, and who never supported you. I think that you should go to therapy to deal with the trauma that you experienced around your brother's death and also to find out why you were willing to get into a "relationship" with someone 800 miles away who refused to meet you, who is insane, who you would have had to been a lifelong caretaker to had it worked out, and who slandered you to anyone who would listen. People with SZ can do whatever they like.... but people without SZ also have a right to expect to be treated with decency and kindness. Would you accept this kind of treatment form someone without SZ? You are LUCKY. She doesn't want you in her life. You're free. Please take this opportunity to find a way to heal and to find someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved. There is a world of sunshine and happiness out there for you and you will be SO HAPPY once you get there.

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