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Does my Fiance have APD?

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Old 04-30-2007, 07:51 AM   #1
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Does my Fiance have APD?


After reading a little bit about Avoidance Personality Disorder I've been wandering if my Fiance has APD.

She is very quiet around anyone that is perceived to be in authority. Around people our age, she is outgoing and talks like any other normal adult. When we visit my parents house, she simply sits there, and whispers stuff in my ear that she wants to say out loud but wishes that I would say it for her. She is very sensitive to Criticism; she gets upset over the smallest point of negativity towards her and a lot of the time rebukes the criticism.

She is very quiet and I'm sure to outsider is perceived as being "rude" or "unfriendly". But an hour with her and shes speaks normal like anyone else would.

I'm not sure if this is something caused by the environment she grew up in, or if its APD. During High school/collage she was always an average student as I was. I've heard her say many times that she feels like her parents arnt proud of her and are only proud of her sister because she is smart. She has trouble having confidence in her answers, and I believe that is directly related to growing up feeling lower than her sister.

She has trouble making decisions, most of the time her answers are "I don't know, I don't care, whatever you want to do, etc". It gets extremely frustrating sometimes. I love her very much and only want to help her.

A couple months ago we postponed our wedding because she was having cold feet, I'm not sure if its because of having APD or because she didn't feel confident she was doing the right thing. She told me she didn't feel confident, which hurt me quite a lot. She has told me that she made a mistake wanting to postpone and that she wants to marry me, But when I ask her "When" she says "Whenever you want to". Kind of hurts, but that may just be her personality. She doesn't like it when I bring up what happened in the past.

It has been a hard last couple of months, but I still love her and we are trying to move on. But I need to know what is wrong so I can help. Do you think that this is APD or some other type of Personality Disorder? And if so, are there ways of helping, because I know she would not want to see a Doctor about this.

Thanks and I would appreciate some Insight.

Last edited by Rider0375; 04-30-2007 at 08:06 AM.

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Old 04-30-2007, 10:47 PM   #2
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Re: Does my Fiance have APD?

OK. I have been through this. Unless there is an urgency (which there isn't) to get married asap don't do it yet. Seek conseling for yourself and her, and then as a couple. Sounds like she is fairly young and maybe strict parents or parents that 'she could never make happy'. That stuff can really play games with someone. Social anxiety sux as well. Didn't know it at the time but my wife has an enormous amount of physcological problems. I knew of none of it before we were married until a few weeks after the honeymoon. She has bipolar with manic episodes, ADHD, depression, anxiety attacks.

Ok. To say that she did some absolutely horrible things (Cheating) that hurt me so bad I was admited to a suicidal instituion. I'm currently on four different medications. Before this happened I was on nothing.

It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of getting married, but Watch youself. I always had the attitude, it'll never happen to me. Wham. Bam. It did. Hope you never have to suffer like that.


Old 05-01-2007, 03:12 AM   #3
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Re: Does my Fiance have APD?

I also think that some counselling may be in order for your fiancee, if she agrees with this. Don't rush to label her tho, she is quite young? and with not much positive feedback in her life so far, she lacks confidence big-time, but that doesn't mean that she has a disorder of any kind. The only things that worry me are the "whispering" that is very little-girl behaviour and not appropriate for an adult; and her over-sensitivity to "criticism". You must be the judge of whether this is excessive, I haven't heard what she has reacted to. Would you have called it criticism? I can see where comments about her shyness, etc would be misinterpreted. Anyway, I do think thet she could do with counselling to see if she actually does have an acquired condition of underconfidence or an actual personality disorder.

Old 05-01-2007, 04:46 PM   #4
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Re: Does my Fiance have APD?

No I personally don't think she is suffering from any personality disorder.

I think she is just a shy young lady, who lacks confidence in herself. Be very careful about suggesting to her that you think she may have something seriously wrong with her.

It is so easy to label someone just because they are different from ourselves.

Remember, in time with support, she will hopefully gain more confidence in herself.

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