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    Old 07-05-2007, 10:17 AM   #1
    4support
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    husband lost it again!

    Hi friends,

    Well as many of you know, it's taken 4 yrs, but my husband finally seems somewhat stable on lithium/lamictal/adderall and has made so much progress in the last month. It seems as though his denial has decreased and he has more self awareness. I have slightly started to relax and feel more happy. He is managing his meds well, seeing a therapist and his pdoc regularly.

    He has even said that he feels better now on these medications, so WHY then does he still question if bipolar is "real" and deny that his prior behaviour was ever "that bad"?? He said a couple of weeks ago that he realized that before the meds, his behaviour 'probably' did cause most of the conflict in our home. When he's been stable, there is literally no conflict and everything is going along smoothly and wonderfully. When he's been unstable, conflict and chaos erupt all around him, he is a very argumentative, non-receptive, angry and irritable person during those times. His depressions make him cruel and almost impossible to be around. I have stood by his side, being as strong as I can, through all of this, and as we all know, it has not been easy. But I have always loved him and many times I have felt that I am trying to hold it all together for the sake of our family. I am also trying to protect my 2 children.

    I have a great fear that if he doesn't accept this illness 100% and still questions it, that one day he will just give up his meds and things will get worse again. Is this an irrational fear? Does it matter that he questions BP as long as he is taking his meds and seeing his pdoc?

    After a great family day yesterday for the 4th, he had some kind of episode last night out of the blue and yelled all sorts of argumentative and hurtful things to me again (making no sense at all). I just cannot be as tolerant anymore, he has worn me out completely and as you can probably tell, I'm not having a great day today because of it. I have been in tears, feeling insecure with him again, and questioning if I can even handle this anymore. I am tired of feeling this way. I don't know if this is his bipolar or if he is just a jerk now. It seems just as I feel we have made it, something else happens to crush that hope.

    4support

    Last edited by 4support; 07-05-2007 at 10:19 AM.

     
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    Old 07-05-2007, 10:38 AM   #2
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    When my husband gets mean I always remind myself that he has a serious mental illness and so he is not completely aware of how hurtful his words are nor does he think completely logically 100% of the time. Therefore I should not take things so personally. I know it's still hard but I just try to remind myself of this.

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 10:47 AM   #3
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    Lucky good for you if you can do it but personally I do not think anyone should put up with name calling and abuse. Should a person have to work so hard to hold a marriage together? Is it really fair? I am not trying to be rude here but I am so tired of the behavior that is put up with. It seems they should have some control over their mouths.

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 10:51 AM   #4
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    Hi Lucky,

    I don't understand why he says such off-base things to begin with, but I just realized when I wrote that that he does have a mental illness and that is WHY! This is very confusing, as a logical/rational person, it is driving me crazy wondering what does he mean and what doesn't he mean? I don't know what to believe anymore. One minute he'll shower me with compliments about what a wonderful and supportive wife/mother I am and he'll call himself a 'basketcase' and tell me he knows he can be a jerk, then he shouts these horrible things at me for no reason. He has been stable lately on his meds and I was hoping that he wouldn't have any episodes for a while. Is this just false hope?

    After all the progress and hard work to get to this point, it's amazing how just ONE episode from him makes me feel like our marriage is falling apart. I just really think my tolerance has hit rock bottom.

    Thanks, Lucky...

    Last edited by 4support; 07-05-2007 at 10:52 AM.

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 10:52 AM   #5
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    Dear 4Support,

    I know how hard it is when you think you are rounding a corner and then old behavior turns up to hurt you again!

    Try to give yourself a break. Your husband has been doing much, much better, but something may have triggered him and he fell back into old patterns. I think the best you can do is share with him how it makes you feel when he lashes out at you and, although you lived with it before his diagnosis and are williing to support him in every way possible as he finds the right meds, you can no longer accept his cruel behavior. He may not like it because it's always easier not to change, but it sounds like he has made tremendous progress with his meds and is ready to start hearing the effect his behavior has on you.

    Just a thought. Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

    xxx
    Hope

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 10:58 AM   #6
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    Hi Marsh,

    Even if the emotional/verbal abuse happens only occasionally, it seems to be too much for me. I'm not sure I can handle being married to a bipolar husband my whole life. I am very upset today and I am home with my little ones, but as with your situation, I have done everything for this man.

    Love,
    4support

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 11:08 AM   #7
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    Hi Hope,

    It's good to hear from you...

    I have often told me husband that I will be the first one to tell him how GREAT he is doing (which I've been doing a lot lately) and the first one to tell him if something seems to be a little off. What is making me so upset is that when I do try to talk to him about his lashing out at me, he automatically tries to blame it on me (but he can't ever give me specifics), or tells me that I'm being 'too sensitive', or tells me that I 'caused' him to be that way, or tells me that 'he can't feel comfortable telling me about his feelings'. He always has an excuse and acts like a child. When I tell him how I have stood by him through some hard times but again reiterate that he is doing so much better now, he will say things like "oh it was never that bad", "well you were over-exaggerating" or "you were just into the drama". It's very berating. I don't understand why it's SO hard for him to just give me some credit and love me for me loving him enough to stay by him? I'm not even looking for kudos, but a little appreciation or gratitude would be nice. No one else in his life ever helped him get the help he needed, which is why it took so long to finally reach a dx. I really don't think he has a clue how hard this has been for me. I have had 2 babies in the last 5 yrs, during all of his meltdowns! Just last night I told him I will not accept his cruel and hurtful behaviour anymore, that it was that way once but that I don't expect him to be that way anymore, and he just looks at me and says he's never been cruel.

    How can he seem so understanding and stable lately and then it all falls apart again?

    Usually I can pick myself up better, but I think the length of time this has gone on is really affecting me. It makes it worse when as you said, we were just turning a corner.

    I have been telling him all the time that he is doing better than I've ever seen him. It unnerves me when he says he feels better on these meds, and then in the same sentence wonders if BP is 'real'. It is driving me crazy.

    Thank you so much for ur support.

    Hugs,
    4

    Last edited by 4support; 07-05-2007 at 11:10 AM.

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 11:12 AM   #8
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    4 support I know you have done everything possible to help your husband and family. I think there comes a time when you just can't take the abuse anymore. It took me so long to get there and I kept saying hes ill and its not his fault but everyone I know kept saying enough is enough. Either things will get better or you will one day realize enough is enough. I hate divorce and believe in marriage with all my heart but it should not be so hard that everyday is a struggle. My heart goes out to you right now. I pray things get better for you. This illness can really break a persons spirit. Don't let that happen to you.

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 11:22 AM   #9
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by marshmallow View Post
    Lucky good for you if you can do it but personally I do not think anyone should put up with name calling and abuse. Should a person have to work so hard to hold a marriage together? Is it really fair? I am not trying to be rude here but I am so tired of the behavior that is put up with. It seems they should have some control over their mouths.

    Hi Marsh,

    Everyone has problems. All of my friends have husbands that say mean things to them and they're not even bipolar. Atleast mine has an excuse When you get a divorce and get remarried usually you just trade one set of problems for another. I know your situation was much more severe but many aren't. Also, our son has inherited this so I will never escape having a wild & crazy (and sometimes mean) bipolar in my life even if I divorce my husband. I just gotta make the best of it.

    Luvya,

    Luckygem



    4support, Good Luck to you

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 11:34 AM   #10
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    Marsh,

    I give my husband the credit he deserves for getting a handle on a lot of this illness, but I feel he has a real disconnect on how bad it was for a long time, and how serious his dx has to be taken, and how it has truly affected us, his family.Most of my husband lashing out at me is just plain illogical behaviour, it comes out of the blue, no one drives it but him, and then he just causes a big thing and leaves everyone confused or hurt. I was raised to be a strong woman, and I don't like feeling like I'm being trampled on for too long. I also believe in marriage with all my heart, I am a Christian and I have to do what's best for my children. I have shown this man for 11 years how much I've loved him and how devoted I have been, yet it never seems to be enough.

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 11:40 AM   #11
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    Hi Lucky,

    I see your point. You are making lemonade from the lemons of life and rolling with it the best you can. You actually stated the way I look at this also. I know that everyone has their issues. I also have many girlfriends who complain about all kinds of things that their husbands do, and most are probably not bipolar either. I have always looked at us as just having the 'bipolar issue', although it can be heavy at times. Yet, my husband also offers many qualities that I know some of my friend's husbands don't offer. I'm just struggling with the emotional abuse that seems to be a part of the bipolar episode. It's just hard to tolerate, especially when you think you have really rounded the long overdue corner of stability.

    Thank you for ur words of wisdom,
    4support

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 12:11 PM   #12
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    Hi4Support,

    I am just on my way out the door when I caught your post. I promise I will think about it while I am out this afternoon and will post when I get home.

    I know how devastated you are by this outburst.

    (((((HUGS)))))

    Tsohl

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 12:38 PM   #13
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    Hi, 4support I agree somewhat with the others....true nobody should be permitted to treat somebody so cruely or say nasty and abusive things I think that you must weigh where your husband has been, how far he has come and where he is today. Sometimes when we are living with somebody on a 24/7 basis it becomes so difficult to measure those things. But if you really look back and compare what has happened before he was medicated vs. being medicated it will give you a more realistic picture.

    Okay....the fear that you have of his not accepting 100% that he is BP is a given, however, that is something that is going to happen over time. It may come with his skipping his meds and realizing that there is a true difference in his behavior....it is not going to happen right away. My daughter still has to get to that point of self-awareness.

    You do have to look at this as an illness....if he is triggered you will unfortunately see a change in behavior in terms of agitation, frustration, or anger. Just as if a diabetic develops a fever and throws up and has too much insulin in their body will exhibit a change in their symptoms such as feeling anxious, shaky, sweaty, confused, loss of memory and passing out a Bper will do the same when triggered or not properly medicated. Since BP is an illness involving the brain we will see more symptoms that have to do with behavior and emotions as well as thinking. These symptoms of behavior unfortunately will be projected upon the ones in closest proximity to the BPer which in your case is you and/or your children. We find it difficult to excuse this but would we excuse the diabetic who is appearing more anxious and in that state lashes out at us??? That is the best way I can explain it and until your husband becomes more self aware and realizes that this is part of his illness he will hopefully learn to develop better coping skills or identity the triggers which lead him to hurt other people and come up with ways of avoiding the triggers altogether or a way to remove himself once he is triggered and capable of hurting the ones he loves. This isn't easy to do but it is something that with work is possible.

    Even us non-BPers will take it out on the one we love when we are stressed.....we don't want to but since we are not perfect it does happen. Iknow as far as I am concerned this always seems to happen when we are packing up to go on vacation and I am overwhelmed with making sure everything is in order. My hubby and kids have learned to stay away from me at that time OR to do all that they can to help out by doing something to take some of the pressure off of me.

    So...look at the whole picture....your hubby has BP and he has made great progress in the past month. His meds are still being adjusted and he WILL have off days even when stabilized....that is all part of the illness and something we as loved ones must be aware of.

    I hope what I have shared with you helps alleviate some of your fears and concerns. It isn't easy but I learned that I must look ahead and leave what happened behind which isn't easy to do. When my daughter got out of the hospital and she had a bad day the therapist saw the fear in my eyes and told me I had to let go of it, that my daughter was doing fine. I didn't believe her at the time but looking back on it she was right. She told me that with BP you must look at the functionality of the person....are they able to take care of their responsibilities, work or go to school, interact with family members and/or friends and basically have a good feeling about their day and life. That is what measures their stability and how well their BP is being managed. Nobody will never get angry or say and do something that is hurtful to another....no medication is able to do that or we all would be taking it. Not to underestimate how this affects you but I think that you are afraid that one bad day is going to turn into many more when it may just be that your husband had a bad day.

    One question....did your hubby drink last night and could that have something to do with it??? That might be something to keep track of....I would take a calendar and mark down the days he has had a drink and how it affects his overall behavior.

    I hope that things return to the good place that you have been and that you don't allow fear to overtake the good that has happened over the past month or so.

    ((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 12:50 PM   #14
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    4Surpport

    Perhaps you (and others) are looking at your Husband's BP problem as "it" is
    your problem to solve. "IT" is their problem to solve. They need to open up and hear what their pdoc and tdoc are saying...That is....Take total responsibility for their actions and that they will need to take this combination of mood stabilizers the REST of Their LIFE. Then and only then will you the 4support, wife, will live a LIFE with them.

    Say....I know this is not easy......Mrs Eyes had to learn I had to be responsible for my BP....I have said a number of times (she was a doormat)....but She picked it up and throw it in "MY Face"

    Both she and I are still walking through this "responsibility" thing ....Go to the Thread...."EYES ~ Good Luck With Your Surgery"...And you will see how "WE"
    still have to approch "MY Problem."

    Oh...Goody my have point.....If your hubby was taking a drink or 2 (because of the 4th) that could of been "his Problem"

    Carry On,

    Last edited by twoeyez; 07-05-2007 at 12:56 PM.

     
    Old 07-05-2007, 01:17 PM   #15
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    Re: husband lost it again! HELP Tsohl, Goody, Eyes...

    Dear Tsohl,

    YES, I am devastated by it, just when I thought we were through the worst of it, and he has an outburst where he went on a rant about a million things, ending it with him bringing up how he doesn't have BP anyway and I'm the one with the problem (after all this!). I understand that there will still be occasional outbursts, but I question all the progress when he reverts like this - WHY he vascillates between accepting his behaviour or blaming everything on me, WHY he still questions his dx when he's now seen the difference on meds and has said that he feels better. It is so obvious to see the change on the homefront, things have been so much better. It is a huge blow to me when I finally thought he was being more accepting and forthright and accountable, this is why this feels to be such a big deal to me. Today, he completely twists what happened last night (again), he doesn't remember the order of things, how it escalated, what he really said, what I really said or didn't say, etc...it's driving me nuts. He did not have one drink last night.

    This is being brutally honest, but he is a much bigger jerk now than when I married him, and I wonder if that part of him just isn't going to change. I also wonder how long I can endure this type of behaviour, or if I even want to. This isn't about just me anymore, I have to think of the 3 of us, my 2 children's well being as well. Maybe I am not cut out to handle the brunt of mental illness like I thought I could. I can't seem to be able to separate his hurtfulness from his illness talking, I wonder if this is even the case.

    It's been one of those days, looking fw to chatting later.

    Love,
    4support

    Last edited by 4support; 07-05-2007 at 02:21 PM.

     
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