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    Old 07-17-2007, 10:19 AM   #1
    4support
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    angry husband, tired wife

    Hi friends,

    I finally called my husband's pdoc because he refused to call him himself. It seems something definetely needs adjusting with his meds judging from his extreme agitation, argumentativeness, finding fault, and angry outbursts over the past 2 weeks. I calmly tried to talk with my husband several times about this first but he is not receptive and says he can be a "frustrated and irritated person" when he feels like it without there being anything wrong. He doesn't see that there is a distinctive change in his moods, and it last for weeks until the meds are usually adjusted. He doesn't see that all of a sudden everything goes from peaceful and wonderful to chaotic and conflict. He has no idea how I am always walking on eggshells. If I say one thing that rubs him the wrong way, he erupts with rage and says words that cut like ice.

    He is now so angry with me that I called his pdoc. He says that's all I can think about are his medications and how he's just going to dump everything because he doesn't need any of it anyway. He's says he's not allowed to "be a frustrated and irritated" person. He doesn't see that his mood swings are extreme and last for weeks unless meds are adjusted. The only time I ever talk to him about his meds is if something is "off" with him for some time. I thought he was working on recognizing these changes himself in therapy, but obviously he still doesn't recognize them, or if he does he doesn't do anything about it. I am so calm anytime I try to talk with him about this stuff, but it doesn't matter. He escalates and starts yelling or "overtalking" me to where I can't say a word, distorts everything, tells me I'm just trying to "tell him about more of his problems" and "how bad he is" again and continues ranting on about irrational things.

    I can't go on like this if he doesn't start taking responsibility for his own problem. I feel like I am in hell! I look around and am so blessed to have my children, my health, my life. My 2 children mean everything to me, they love their Dad, I love their Dad, but nothing seems to work with him.

    I can't endure his behaviour anymore, I don't understand why nothing (even months of therapy with a good therapist) seems to have helped him. If I take an extra step and file for separation, things will get very nasty, and I will be dealing with a lot of pain because I do love him and the children do love him and then I am worried about the children the most.

    This feels very lonely. None of our family or friends would ever guess that my husband is this way at home.

    Thank you for all the support,
    4

     
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    Old 07-17-2007, 10:47 AM   #2
    langlee
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    Re: angry husband, tired wife

    Hi 4,

    I'm sorry you are still dealing with this. I've been following your other thread, but was away for a few days, but I know you've been struggling.

    I have a crazy question for you: Have you ever considered keeping a mood chart for him? You could indicate the dramatic swings and possibly even note potential triggers. When he finally calms down, it might be helpful for him to see in black and white what you have been witnessing and might create a better dialogue with the pdoc.

    I've often thought how difficult this disorder is because the pdoc or tdoc can only get information based on what the person tells him/her. If the person's perception is distorted, they may not get the right meds. Add to that, the number of pdocs and tdocs who are simply not good, and it's a wonder that anyone is ever properly medicated!

    I think it's probably very difficult for your husband, in his current state of mind, to see things clearly and so he is taking it out on you. I know how conflicted you are and it seems that you need something to change the course in your home.

    It's just a thought.

    Love,

    Hope

     
    Old 07-17-2007, 11:15 AM   #3
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    Re: angry husband, tired wife

    Dear Hope,

    Thanks for writing...

    Well, I have kept a mood chart and tried to talk to him about any changes when he's calm before. He just denies everything. He will say that he's allowed to be frustrated or irritated like other people, and even in clear b/w, he says he doesn't have "triggers". This man is in such denial, it's ridiculous.

    He's been advised not to drink, we've had several episodes of his at home after a night of drinking, yet he still says he's going to drink.

    He said just last month he was feeling better on the Lamictal, better than with anything else, and now he insists he doesn't need meds anyway.

    Last month he sweetly told me how I could talk to him about anything or call his pdoc if I needed to, this month I can't talk with him about anything and he's angry because I had to call his pdoc (because he wouldn't).

    Who knows what to believe?

    Yes, I do need something to change. I really love my husband, but if he can't stay somewhat even, my feelings are eventually going to change for him because of his verbal abuse. I was not raised to be a doormat, I will find the strength if I need to. My husband has a lot of issues to begin with, the disorder just creates more tension, uncertainty, conflict. But he still can't see that HE has the problem. Gosh, my posts sound so much the same sometimes.

    No one would ever mention BP or meds or anything he is sensitive about if he would manage it on his own, but he doesn't always do that or recognize changes. He gets irate if I notice a change, he must cycle a lot because his stable periods never last that long.

    Another thing driving me crazy is that he will never accept when he is loved, instead he thinks that if you are encouraging him to be the best he can be (because you care), that you are "telling him how bad he must be". I am basically getting the brunt of other issues stemming from his childhood here.

    So many on this board are accepting and trying their best to find stability, yet I have a husband who does know something hasn't been right for a long time, has a wonderful therapist and pdoc, has had several full day evaluations (due to his denial), has seen (only at times) the difference meds have made, but he still pushes against anything or anyone that wants to help him. It's hard to know how to help someone if he continues to push against helping himself. He has become very selfish, this isn't just about HIM, we have a family too.

    Love,
    4

    Last edited by 4support; 07-17-2007 at 11:19 AM.

     
    Old 07-17-2007, 11:23 AM   #4
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    Re: angry husband, tired wife

    4......It sounds like you are really trying and I feel very sorry for you and the kids. There may come a time when you have to make the decision on what is best for you and the kids. Constant upset, screaming and conflict are not ideal situations for children to grow up in. I know, I remember the constant fights between my parents . I couldn't wait to get out of the house. It's too bad that your husband has BP, but he has to want to get well, you can't fix it for him. I'll be thinking of you and praying you can make the proper choices. Good luck

     
    Old 07-17-2007, 12:04 PM   #5
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    Re: angry husband, tired wife

    4support, I have to agree with rudiraven. Sometimes you have to let them do it themselves. So many things you said remind me of what I lived through with my husband and after 9 years it was still going on. I loved him but I lost so much of who I was and it still did not help him. I feel so badly for you because whether its caused by mental illness or not it is still abuse. I talked to a therapist that called me a battered wife. Hearing verbal abuse over and over wears on a person and little by little you lose pieces of yourself. It all boils down to realizing that you cannot save another person it is up to them. Thinking of you.

     
    Old 07-17-2007, 12:05 PM   #6
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    Re: angry husband, tired wife

    Hi rudiraven,

    Thank you for your post...yes I have never given up trying to help my husband recognize and get better. He has had some progress, but it seems each episode throws us back again. Fortunately, the conflict isn't going on all of the time, but during the times where he is having his mood swings, which is typically when his medications need adjusting. I am very open with the children and they seem to understand that sometimes Daddy has a problem with "yelling". They are very young still. I make sure they know how much they are loved and that they are not the cause of the conflict. Still, our peace is disrupted when he is "off". I realize that every home has issues and conflict at times, but with BP, it always seems to be so unpredictable. For instance, when everyone is having a great time or lots of fun together, then all of a sudden something may trigger my husband and he lashes out at us.

    I am a Christian and pray everyday for strength, help for my husband, and guidance to make the right choices.

    Many thanks,
    4

     
    Old 07-17-2007, 12:18 PM   #7
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    Re: angry husband, tired wife

    Dear Marsh,

    Hope you are doing a little better day by day...

    It's very hard but I do know that we cannot force another person to work toward their own wellness. My husband seems to think that because he is on meds and seeing a tdoc, he is doing enough. I am thankful for this and for all the progress he has made, but the truth is...it doesn't stop there. It takes awareness, not being in denial about why is taking the meds to begin with, self control, etc...it also wouldn't hurt if he would apologize now and then.

    I stand up to my husband when he dishes out the verbal abuse, but I don't think I should have to do that because he shouldn't be doing it in the first place!

    I am trying to schedule a joint therapy session ASAP...maybe that will help.

    Take care, Marsh.

    Love,
    4

     
    Old 07-17-2007, 01:06 PM   #8
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    Re: angry husband, tired wife

    Each day brings something a little different for me. He left me with such a huge credit card debt and it is hard dealing with financial things when your hurting and grieving. I know for you that your husband is on meds and that helps but it is still draining to put up with the behavior. I know my husband got to the point he was tormented in his life and now I can feel hes at peace but I am left to deal with life alone with no hope of our getting together. It has left a huge void for me to fill. I knew I had to get out but I loved him very very much. Sorry I know I may not be very encouraging right now. I apologize.

     
    Old 07-17-2007, 01:12 PM   #9
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    Re: angry husband, tired wife

    Dear Marsh,

    Your love for your husband has always been evident, and you were a loving, purehearted, ever-supporting wife to him. He knew that which is why his last message to you so touched me. I understand very well the love you speak of.

    Healing takes time, hang in there.

    Love,
    4

     
    Old 07-17-2007, 01:17 PM   #10
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    Re: angry husband, tired wife

    Thanks 4 and I wish for good things for you and your family. Your faith will help you I am sure. I relate to what you said about your having a great time and out of no where the rage enters. Very had to deal with.

    Last edited by marshmallow; 07-17-2007 at 01:19 PM.

     
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