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  • is my child being sexually abused?

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    Old 10-22-2008, 11:30 AM   #1
    sue19
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    Unhappy is my child being sexually abused?

    i posted earlier on a different discussion about some problems i have had with my child and her behavior towards people. for five years i have dated the same guy, and my daughter still to this day treats him poorly. one day she is fine and good as gold, others she is mean, rude, disrespectful, and tries to say things to make him jealous or show she cares for someone else more than him. he has tried EVERYTHING and more, than he can to make her comfortable, has gone out of his way for her, to play with her, support her etc. and it has caused a lot of problems in our relationship. her father and i are not together - i had her at a young age, and we were never married. he has been in and out of her life over the last 10 years. he sees her sometiems, and sometimes he doesn't. she doesn't like him, and dreads going to his house... sometimes cries because she doesn't want to go. when she is there, he doesn't usually allow her to call me when it's "his" time.
    i often wonder if this situation with him, has made her to where she doesn't trust men, and that's why she puts on the brakes with my boyfriend, afraid of getting hurt by him.... but today i learned something more.
    eating lunch with my boyfriend, we were having a conversation about my daughter, and how i felt like i was going to put her in some counseling to figure things out. why she says she likes him one minute, acts the way she does the next - try to figure out if it's just a behavior problem i can handle at home, or something that lies deeper than that, which causes her to have these issues with him. at this point, i don't think it's just him, i think that no matter who i might date, she would have a problem with.
    he said he thought that counseling would be a great idea, that he just hopes that it wouldn't be anymore other than just something simple, jealousy issues, trust issues, etc. i asked him what he meant, thinking he thought maybe she was bipolar, or something of that nature.
    he told me, that two years ago, we were at a friends of his house, and they have 3 children. at the time, their oldest daughter, was either 2 or 3. my daughter was playing with her upstairs in their home, while we as adults sat and talked and watched tv and so forth. 2 or 3 weeks later, my boyfriend and i broke up. we broke up for about 10 months before we got back together. my boyfriend told me today, that whenever we were at his friend's home that night, that after we left his daughter came to him that night crying. her clothes had been unsnapped in the back, an outfit that she couldn't get alone, and he kept asking her what was wrong. she kept telling him that she couldn't tell or break my daughter's secret. she finally told him that my daughter evidently took her clothes off, and touched her privates!!!!
    when my bf's friend finally came to him a few weeks later about this, we weren't together anymore. but since we have been back together, this still has never been brought up other than the fact that he has made comments that he is scared if we ever married and my daughter got upset with him she might try to pull something on him.
    i am at a loss. i do not know what to do.
    now thinking back, two weeks ago.... my sister was looking through my daughters cell phone pictures, and my daughter had a friend over that particular day. my sister later asked me to go through my daughter's phone and look at the pictures, because she was looking through them and saw a picture of what looked like was either the friend's or my daughter's bottom. when my sister asked her about it, she got embarrassed very quickly, tried to lie and say it was something else - and cover it up. later when i went to check her phone, the picture was no longer there.
    i have no idea what to do. i don't know what is true, i have a hard time undertanding or believe why my bf has waited two years to tell me this. i don't know who to ask, or turn to for questions, advice, or help. do i ask my daughter about this? do i take her to a psychologist asap? do i talk to the little girls' family about this? what do i do?
    i just feel like for my daughter to have done something to that little girl, and then said "shhhhh" to her and told her it was a secret, that this has been done to her. it was either done, or is happening. is this causing the trust issues with my boyfriend?
    at this point the issues with her behavior related to him are irrelevant, i have got to find out if my child is being molested, or taught some extreme behaviors, and by who. i think i have a feeling by who. but what do i do???

     
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    Old 10-22-2008, 12:43 PM   #2
    AnnD
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    Re: is my child being sexually abused?

    You are going to need professional help to sort this all out and don't let another day go by without making an appointment with a child mental health therapist. Your daughter could of used some counseling long ago to sort out separation issues with her father and that new boyfriend so who know now what is going on in her head ...the poor girl needs someone to listen to her that can make sense out of what she is doing and saying.

     
    Old 10-22-2008, 01:14 PM   #3
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    Re: is my child being sexually abused?

    Sue, how old is your daughter?

    If you think she is old enough (and I assume she is due to having a cell phone), I would speak with her, in a safe envoirenment, just the two of you with no chance of being disturbed.

    I would tell her that you love her, that no one will be angry at her, that if someone has done something to her then you want to know and it was not at all her fault. Do you have a good relationship with her that she might open up to you?

    If she tells you something, it is imperative that you believe her and not to 'lose it' as she will be feeling guilty enough as it is/

    As the above poster said, I would certainly take her for councelling either way.

    Good luck, you must be feeling awful

     
    Old 10-22-2008, 05:13 PM   #4
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    Re: is my child being sexually abused?

    She is 10 - as far as being "old enough" ... she only got the cell phone so that she would have it when she went to her father's house. Although, has she has gotten older I have allowed her to use it whenever.
    Do you think that 10 is old enough to sit and have that talk with her? I am not sure how she will react, or if I can find the right time to do this.
    We are very close, and always have been. Being a young mother, we have grown and learned that no matter what we both have each other. However, she has gotten into these behavioral problems in which she doesn't mind, is very manipulative, and lies.
    I am not sure the best way to handle the situation - as I do not want many people at this point, knowing what is going on. My daughter is very close to my mother, and we are actually living with her right now, and I do not want my mother knowing what is going on, or knowing that I am even questioning her at this point. Once I get more involved and know the situation better, I will start including them in the details. I hope this makes sense.

     
    Old 10-22-2008, 05:36 PM   #5
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    Re: is my child being sexually abused?

    If there is the slightest doubt about possible sexual abuse, you need to drop everything and come to your daughters side. I would put the BF on hold, and focus on only your daughter. This should be completely private with only you, your child, and a therapist involved. She needs to know that she has all your attention. She needs to learn that she can turn to you, and you will see her through anything that comes her way. 10 is just the begining of puberty and teenage years. Please don't waste a day, your daughter needs you now. I wish you well, be brave!

     
    Old 10-23-2008, 06:50 AM   #6
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    Re: is my child being sexually abused?

    Without trying to offend..I am not sure what you mean about 'finding the time to do this' ..surely your daughter is the most important person in your lief? If something like this has happened she will be traumatized and I would hope that her mother would be able to find the time to talk to her!

     
    Old 11-04-2008, 01:13 AM   #7
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    Re: is my child being sexually abused?

    HI Sue,
    Have you considered going to a therapist yourself first. Talk to them about how to manage the situation and then take your daughter along with you and then allow your daughter to go alone if that is appropriate. I am thinking that this might maximise your chances of you creating a positive outcome. I agree that your daighter and this issue must be your complete priority at this time. But I think you should tread slowely and really think through your options.
    I wish you the very best of luck, I really hope it's all a misunderstanding. Problem is that if it's not then it's a terrible situation. Remember to take care of yourself too.
    J

     
    Old 11-30-2010, 01:38 PM   #8
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    Re: is my child being sexually abused?

    do you think maybe your boyfriend abused your daughter? hope not. hope not by anyone it is a horrible thing :-(. please talk to her, you need to.

     
    Old 11-30-2010, 01:41 PM   #9
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    Re: is my child being sexually abused?

    if you do not suspect your boyfriend or ex (her dad) then if i was you i would ask your boyfriend for some space to concerntrate on just you and your daughter. her behaviour is probably crying out for attention, so spend time with her suggest doing fun things then when its a comfortable moment give her a hug tell her that you love her and try talk to her. in order for you to get a talking bond with her, you need to get the boyfriend out of the picture for the moment i dont mean split up just space.

     
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