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  • Depressive Wife - Unable to forgive her for the hurt.

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    Old 09-20-2010, 11:44 AM   #1
    unhappyhub
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    Depressive Wife - Unable to forgive her for the hurt.

    **I'm posting this on behalf of a my husband, I'm looking to see how he may be feeling and I the hope your comments made here may be able to guide him in the right way - as at the moment he is very angry and understandable too**

    During the last 16 months he has looked after me, as I was ill and was under constant medical review with an unknown illness. It seems that no one could really see that I was depressed not even me until it was to late.

    Two months ago, we married and after the wedding I became even more irrational with my behaviour and hurt him badly emotionally, which resulted in him leaving and sending me an email to say our marriage was over, even before it had begun.

    I have remained in communication via text/emails and i have started to seek help with my medication addiction, depression and other issues. He has communicated back and has told me that he doesn't know if he can forgive me for the hurt I have caused him, which is understandable as I humiliated him and didn't know what I doing it, as to me things I was doing was rational, although not crying on my wedding, that was wrong and hitting him to was also wrong..

    This is a terrible situation, and everyone around us can see that we clearly love each other but I don't feel my husband is getting the support he needs to deal with this and so I'd appreciate your comments on how he should deal with this.

    I would hate for our marriage and relationship to be over before it has began but this question is what is right for my husband to do. Whatever guidance you give he has access to, so it may help him if he understands if others have gone through it and how they dealt with it.

    Thanks

     
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    Old 09-20-2010, 12:52 PM   #2
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    Re: Depressive Wife - Unable to forgive her for the hurt.

    This is a hard one to respond to because you wrote it, not him. I'm sure you're being honest, but his perspective is bound to be different.

    It sounds like you are doing what you can by going to therapy. Would he consider going to therapy with you?

    Does he push for a divorce, or is he seeming to respond to you more? Do you ever see each other in person?

     
    Old 09-20-2010, 01:03 PM   #3
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    Re: Depressive Wife - Unable to forgive her for the hurt.

    Its ok, fully understand that.

    I was hoping i could direct him to people's comments so he could seek what help/guidance needed to help with his pain.

    We didn't speak initially, on my husband's part, due to the hurt, but last night we had our first phone call since 19th August. I was upset, as I miss him so much, ensured i told him what hte hospital had been doing to help me, counsellor, work etc.

    He said he loved me, but at present still very angry and he doesn't know if he could ever forgive me for what I done. He said he would re-read my emails but when he thinks about things he gets angry, ****** off - his words.

    I just hoped someone here had been through a similar, whether its going back to their loved one or moved on so he can see some direction in his life. I want to ensure, whatever decision he makes is the right one and not because he has been pushed into making that one.

    We left it that we would text and he would look to speak to me sometime this week.

     
    Old 09-20-2010, 01:10 PM   #4
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    Re: Depressive Wife - Unable to forgive her for the hurt.

    I think the only way your husband would be able to understand you is if he were to go into counseling with you, but you should keep your individual counseling as well.
    It sounds like some pretty heavy damage has been done. How are you doing with your own issues aside from your relatiopnship with him? Do you feel you are making progress with your depression and medication addiction? The reason I ask is because I think you will need to make strides within yourself before you can heal the two of you as a couple.

     
    Old 09-20-2010, 01:20 PM   #5
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    Re: Depressive Wife - Unable to forgive her for the hurt.

    Hi River Rocks,

    I am doing quite good, obviously on a low as I've lost my husband, but I have said to him that him leaving gave me the kick up the arse that I needed to realise that I needed help.

    I have gone from 8 x 30/500 co-codamal and 8 x 30/500 Tramadol, 300 amitriptyline and other antidepressants to no more tramadol, 6 x 8/500 and 2 x 15/500 and citraplam 5mg.

    I go to counselling twice a week and have been making great progress, I write a diary and I have written to all friends and family asking them to write to me telling me what I have done to them, if anything, to hurt them without me realising so I may address it and in turn ask for forgiveness. I even wrote a lovely letter to his parents today and sent flowers to apologise for the hurt i've caused them (although I don't know what I have done - it was my husband putting it in an email, this upset me as I have never set out ot hurt anyone, I've always been caring and loving)

    having all of this medication reduced and going to counselling has given me a clearer thought process and has enabled me to get out of bed, wash myself again, clean, go to work and sit and take stock of what has happened. I still got the illness, trigeminal nerve damage that set all this off, but feel more in control to deal with sorting this out now.

    I just really hope, in time, like I put in writing to people, that they can see I was ill, I did not mean any of my actions, in fact I can't recall majority of it and once I can address what I've done I can ask them for forgiveness.

    I admitted to my husband last night, that due to heavy medication usage, I lied to him when he use to ask me if I remember doing things, I was to embarassed to say I didn't, I then had panic attacks and had to look through phone logs, texts, emails to see what I have done. Sometimes I would sit and do something and then think, what was I doing, and then a story would come into my head and I wouldn't know if it was real or not.

    It is serious issues that I am dealing with and like I said, I know my husband had no choice but to leave me. I just want him to know he is loved and that I also want him to see from his side he is not alone and there are others out there. He is a quite and reserved man so know he wouldn't do this himself, but reads my emails and links that I send him.

    Sorry for rambling.

     
    Old 09-20-2010, 01:34 PM   #6
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    Re: Depressive Wife - Unable to forgive her for the hurt.

    Hi River Rocks,

    I am doing quite good, obviously on a low as I've lost my husband, but I have said to him that him leaving gave me the kick up the arse that I needed to realise that I needed help.

    I have gone from 8 x 30/500 co-codamal and 8 x 30/500 Tramadol, 300 amitriptyline and other antidepressants to no more tramadol, 6 x 8/500 and 2 x 15/500 and citraplam 5mg.

    I go to counselling twice a week and have been making great progress, I write a diary and I have written to all friends and family asking them to write to me telling me what I have done to them, if anything, to hurt them without me realising so I may address it and in turn ask for forgiveness. I even wrote a lovely letter to his parents today and sent flowers to apologise for the hurt i've caused them (although I don't know what I have done - it was my husband putting it in an email, this upset me as I have never set out ot hurt anyone, I've always been caring and loving)

    having all of this medication reduced and going to counselling has given me a clearer thought process and has enabled me to get out of bed, wash myself again, clean, go to work and sit and take stock of what has happened. I still got the illness, trigeminal nerve damage that set all this off, but feel more in control to deal with sorting this out now.

    I just really hope, in time, like I put in writing to people, that they can see I was ill, I did not mean any of my actions, in fact I can't recall majority of it and once I can address what I've done I can ask them for forgiveness.

    I admitted to my husband last night, that due to heavy medication usage, I lied to him when he use to ask me if I remember doing things, I was to embarassed to say I didn't, I then had panic attacks and had to look through phone logs, texts, emails to see what I have done. Sometimes I would sit and do something and then think, what was I doing, and then a story would come into my head and I wouldn't know if it was real or not.

    It is serious issues that I am dealing with and like I said, I know my husband had no choice but to leave me. I just want him to know he is loved and that I also want him to see from his side he is not alone and there are others out there. He is a quite and reserved man so know he wouldn't do this himself, but reads my emails and links that I send him.

    Sorry for rambling.

     
    Old 09-20-2010, 01:35 PM   #7
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    Re: Depressive Wife - Unable to forgive her for the hurt.

    No need to appologize for rambling. You sound like a very thoughtful and introspective person, especially given all you are going through. I am far from qualified to advise you, since I know nothing about the meds and things you take. But from what you have written here, the one thing I can say is that I see a lot of hope for you, because you are so willing to look at yourself and make changes. I think that is the key, to take responsibility and then to take action to cahnge, and it sounds like you are doing that.

    I hope you continue to make strides in your journey to full recovery. I am sorry for your relationship trouble, but maybe with time it will heal. I would imagine he cares for you a great deal, and loves you, and although he's been hurt badly, he still agrees to talk to you. Take baby steps, and stay focused on getting better. It won't hurt to let him know of the progress you are making. At the very least I bet he will be happy that you are doing everything you can.

    I wish you the best

     
    Old 09-20-2010, 04:53 PM   #8
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    Re: Depressive Wife - Unable to forgive her for the hurt.

    Look,
    if he loves you, he should at least try to understand what you're going
    through. He is angry. He is hurt. Please keep going, and please keep making the tremendous effort you are doing to try to improve yourself and get out of this hellhole.

    I really wish you the best, too. I hope you win your husband back when he realizes you have tried so hard to battle against this. But please get support. Don't do this alone.

     
    Old 09-27-2010, 12:01 PM   #9
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    Re: Depressive Wife - Unable to forgive her for the hurt.

    I am currently going through a bad situation with my husband, so I hope that my insight can help you. I can tell you that I feel terribly hurt and have tremendous anger at this man. I explained to him that every time I see his face, it is a reminder of the hideous things that he has done. Even when the cellphone rings and I see his face in the caller ID window, I want to throw the phone. I told him that I needed space/ time away from him so that I can calm down and discuss things with him with a more rational mind. At this point, I want him to hurt as much as I, and that is not me and will certainly not help things. Our marriage is over, and cannot be repaired with counseling, but I am planning to seek guidance.

    I would suggest you give your husband time to cool down and think things through. I would suggest you set aside alone time when he is ready and talk. He deserves the truth, even if it is embarrassing or painful. Marriage is all about truth and trust. Until then, keep in touch, but don't pester. Write an apology and re-write it until it really conveys your feelings. In this letter, remind him of the good times. He probably is forgetting that and only concentrating on the bad right now. Explain what you are doing to correct the problem so that it doesn't happen again and your current progress. He will need to chance trusting you again- putting his heart out there. Offer to give him the written apology but do not insist. At least you will have it down on paper. You can refer to it in phone conversations if you need to. It is hard to say what you are feeling when you are so emotionally caught up in everything.

    Your husband will need a sounding board and it can't be you. An objective counselor would be better than an involved family member or friend.

    I would suggest you make every attempt at getting yourself better- not because of your marriage, and not because of your husband or family, but for you. If you tell him you've changed your ways, it better be true. Truth- remember? People can't make other people change their ways. Only they can!

    If you do get back together, give every opportunity to show you are trustworthy. Do not disclose anything. Be an open book. You have to earn that trust and he must feel comfortable that you are trustworthy for things to work.
    Good Luck!

     
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