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    Old 10-16-2010, 07:56 PM   #1
    Join Date: Oct 2010
    Location: raleigh, nc
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    jcrosser HB User
    Exclamation my mother is schizophrenic-- looking for support

    i am 28, feeling too old to still be dealing with my relationship issues with my mom... but i am. my mother has been in and out of hospitals my whole life.

    meanwhile i have been feeling ashamed of her and scared i would turn into her, hating her and hating how she would yell at everyone in my life (father, grandparents, aunts and uncles) and make me feel like she was either jealous of me or like she somehow failed me as a mother (obviously i didn't turn out the way she would have liked).

    i am now thinking that this broken relationship has something to do with fears of intimacy in my life and low self-esteem. i feel like failure, and i am afraid to be alone. yet i can't seem to just let people in very easily. i clearly remember the feeling of being abandoned again and again by my mother and making the decision to cut her out of my life so i could hurt her like she hurt me and like i know she hurt her own parents.

    i know it's not her fault, but i am sick of saying "it's not her fault" what about me?? it's not my bleeding fault either!! i am so sick of bottling things in and walking on egg shells for her.

    later in my teen years and into my mid-20s i developed a terrible eating disorder-- bulimia. i think it highlighted the confusion of needing to fill some void of having a mother, but wanting to control it and rip it out of me, like i wanted my mother but also wanted to get her out of my life. i HATED her.

    i have stopped purging but i still have bouts of binge eating. i still have a terrible relationship with my mother but i want to know how to get it to a good place.

    anyone have any suggestions on how to have a better relationship with my mother or at least forgive her and everyone else in my life for not recognizing how freakin hard things are?

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    Old 10-16-2010, 08:20 PM   #2
    Join Date: Jan 2010
    Location: Akron OH USA
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    Songcanary HB User
    Re: my mother is schizophrenic-- looking for support

    Wow, I had the same experience as you, believe it or not. Although now I am twice your age. If I had it to do over again, I would have sought professional counseling early on. But I was definitely not interested at the time because my mom sucked up all the counseling for this family and also, I didn't want to become like her, so counseling??? No way. I bucked up and put up a strong front. So of course, no one, not even the occasional doctor, suspected that I had any manifestations from this psycho mother of mine. BTW, my dad was no day at the beach, either. Anyway, just a few years ago my hubby and I had marriage counseling and it was SO helpful. Looking back, I can see what a relief it would have been to just plain TELL a counselor my story. They really do have helpful suggestions for maintaining your sanity in the wake of dysfunction. I got a good referral from my PCP. Also keep in mind that chronic stress will wreak havoc on the body and it might take a while, but it will happen. I learned this the hard way, ending up with chronic high cortisol, adrenal fatigue, prediabetes etc. It can really take you down, and I was a VERY strong person physically and mentally before it happened at age 50. Please don't let it happen to you, I would highly recommend giving counseling a try. Best wishes!

    Old 10-16-2010, 09:51 PM   #3
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    Re: my mother is schizophrenic-- looking for support

    There's no shame in seeing a counselor. In the worst case you have gotten everything off your chest to someone who can actually understand everything you are going through, at the best he/she can guide you through the possible minefields of trying to reconnect with your mother. It's the sad truth about an illness of this sort, it can really cause more damage to the people outside than to the person its inhabiting, don't go it alone.

    Old 10-17-2010, 08:16 AM   #4
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    jcrosser HB User
    Re: my mother is schizophrenic-- looking for support

    thank you for these posts. i am surprised but i am tearing up just reading them. it's like such a weight lifted to have someone tell me i should seek out counseling and to hear that other people have had similar experiences.

    my dad, whom i lived with throughout my life was also not ideal. however, not nearly as bad as some of the others who have posted stories. he was just very reclusive and not supportive or attentive to my emotional needs. mainly, he just smoked pot, overeat and watch tv every night while i would spend all my time locked in my room. an only child, doing my homework. either that, or i would spend all of my time at various friend's houses pretending i was part of their family.

    anyway, i am going to look in to getting help. my husband and i don't have much money right now, so i might stick to this for a little while.

    again thank you so much for your posts.

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    Kaseyjcf (06-24-2011)
    Old 10-17-2010, 08:53 AM   #5
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    Re: my mother is schizophrenic-- looking for support

    I am an only child too. And I also spent much of my time blending in to my friends' families. Thank goodness for their very souls. Don't you worry, things will get better because you are reaching out. I am here whenever. Rant, cry, pound fists, run a mile or do whatever it takes to help release this crazy tension of feeling burdened. Try not to take it out on your hubby like I did quite often, he didn't deserve it. But he was the closest target. You are not alone in this so keep me posted, I feel like we could be long lost twins! Take special care.

    Old 10-18-2010, 08:48 AM   #6
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    Re: my mother is schizophrenic-- looking for support

    thanks songcanary, it is good to know there is someone to talk to. i appreciate your support more than you can imagine

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    tinkerbell45 (06-19-2011)
    Old 05-26-2011, 01:45 AM   #7
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    Re: my mother is schizophrenic-- looking for support

    I dont know if you still check this post - but ur story is so similar to mine, i wanted to share with u my story and what i've posted about what i go thru with my schizophrenic mom:
    my mom is also schizophrenic. MY family story would make a great movie it's so crazy.. Here a quick recap of my mothers life:
    My g-ma left her boyfriend (dad of my mom & aunt) while pregnant with my mom and aunt.
    She married another man before they were born.
    Mom was born an identical twin.
    Step-dad adopted them at birth.
    My mom and her twin sister were molested by their step dad from when they were born till they were 12 or 13.
    My mom & aunt told their mom about the molestation and my grandmothers response was "what do you wanna do, live on the streets?"
    My mom n aunt never met their biological dad. My g-ma kept him away from them. He was schizophrenic and committed suicide when my mom n aunt were about 12yrs old.
    My mom married young to a man that was NOT a good honest guy, he was into drugs and illegal stuff. He FORCED my mom to have 4 abortions she did not want. Then my mom and her twin sis got pregnant at same time. This time my mom refused to abort. She gave birth to my sister.
    When my sister was 3 yrs old - my mom's husband committed suicide.
    3 years later my mom married my dad.
    my moms first husband and my dad share the same first name - David.
    I was born a year later.
    2 yrs later my moms mom died of caner.
    When I was 3 my mom got into a BAD car wreck. Woke up in hospital and was asking for the 1st David.. she didnt remember david was dead - that she was now married to new david or that she had me!
    My mom recovered and led a fairly normal life until i was about 12 yrs old.
    My mom's step dad died.
    We moved into his old house.
    My mom began to act VERY differently and to thing crazy things but hid it from everyone (except me).
    For the next 2 yrs my mom and her twin sister led a crazy life of paranoid delusions. I could go on for PAGES about the things they said and did, but basically they believed that the IRS was after them and everyone would go to jail as soon as it "all came down". Everything was tapped, the phone, the house, the yard, our cars ... my mom n aunt would drive to remote locations to talk - or write on notebooks back n forth to communicate.
    My mom n aunt hid their ideas n actions for everyone.
    I didnt fully understand what was goin on. I just knew i no longer had a mother ... and i thought my dad KNEW what was going on with her, so i never said anything.
    My mom would cry a lot - had episodes of talking to invisible kids (the ones she'd aborted years earlier) She'd ask me if i saw them, but i never did. She would lay in closet floor and cry for hours.
    Asking my mom to take me to the mall or to fix a TV dinner could set off an angry episode of rampage, screamin and yelling... I learned to just leave her alone.
    This went on for a few years, and finally i remember my mom saying she needed to kill me and my dad to protect us, so that we wouldnt go to jail with her.. and i think my dads sister heard and told my dad. This was the first time my dad realized what was going on with my mom... i thought everyone knew, and i wondered WHY did my dad leave me with this crazy person so he could go to work? Did he not realize what life was like with her? He didnt. Once my dad had her committed to a mental hospital when i was about 14 and my mom spent the next several months in and out of hospitals with parnoid schizo. diagnosis and other mental health problems, trying to get the medication right. She was home for good by the time I was 15 and we moved to a new house. But my mom was never the same .. she never came back. The medicine DOES HELP her, dont get me wrong.. I firmly believe she would have killed me and my dad to protect us if she had not been committed. But the meds cause her to be a differnt person .. she is still paranoid and still psychophrenic.. it's just not as bad as it used to be. She still has delusions and theories, some of which she keeps to herself or just her twin sis know about... I get about 15-20 calls a day from her to ask stupid unimportant questions or to be reminded of random things that are a month away etc... I have little patience for me mom. I'm not angry at her. I'm not resentfull towards her. but she has caused me a lot of pain in my life. and still does to this day. every xmas or holiday, if my kids and i are around longer than 1 hr i will be asked to leave because we "drive her crazy". She doesnt like it if i disipline my kids and i get called a bad mom .. by her!!! how ironic! So i just keep my distance from her, I dont call her or reach out because I know I'm dealing with an illness not a person and i dont wanna get hurt anymore.
    I'm now a 29 yr old married mother of 2. and I'm a darn good mother too! I carry a lot of sadness that I never had the kind of mom that I could talk to, shop with, bond with, I mourn the mother I wish I had. I try to be that mother to my two small kids.
    Just know that you're not alone!!
    I'm very fearful that I will develop schizophrenia
    I really feel for you and know what it feels like ... i also, i grew up with a schizophrenic mother, so the pain of wanting someone to be there for you like you are there for then, then their inability to do so still stings .. I would ask myself.. do I just keep turning the other cheek ???? Do I just let myself be a doormat to these people who are "users" ... I feel like the "right" thing to do or godly thing to do would be to turn the other cheek, but at the same time, WHY is it OK for me to allow myself to continuely be hurt and emotionaly abused by someone?? After YEARS of dealing with my mothers illness i realized schizophrenia is A LOT like a drug addict .. you have to realise that you are dealing with an illness and not the person that USED TO BE THERE!
    I used to cry a lot when i was a teenager when i wanted mom, a regular mom like my friends had, a mom to talk to, shop with, bond with.. and i just didnt have that.
    I realized as an adult now , that my mom is just NOT CAPABLE of being any different. She's not able to be the kind of mom she would be if she wasnt ill.. There is a level of compitance (sp?) and ability / mentally, that just is not there. And I realized that as much as i love my mom, as much as i love some of my friends .. it's still not ok for me to allow myself to be subjected to pain everyday. It's not ok for me to allow myself to be abused.. it affect me emotionally which in turn affected my marriage and my own ability to mother my own kids.
    In my heart.. i DO TURN THE OTHER CHEEK!!
    I am not vengeful or wanting revenge or spiteful or bitter or angery at my mom anymore.. i forgive her completely! She's incapable of being any different so i have to STOP HOPING for a change that just isnt possible!
    And i have to protect myself and my family for the pain having her in my life causes ... just move on..
    That's my story anyway - it works for me
    I'm here for you anytime u wanna talk!! <3>
    ~Jesus Loves You!~

    Last edited by heather416; 05-26-2011 at 01:51 AM.

    Old 06-03-2011, 08:26 PM   #8
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    Re: my mother is schizophrenic-- looking for support

    I'm just saying to deal with a mom like this, God and prayer, and talk to counselors or even pastors in a church. They will be happy to help you deal.

    Last edited by Nicole85; 06-19-2011 at 09:24 AM.

    Old 06-18-2011, 01:08 PM   #9
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    Re: my mother is schizophrenic-- looking for support

    Hang in there jcrosser, can't really give much better advice as i've been the Schizophrenic one in this situation. Meds have helped alot, diagnosed 14 with psychosis often until 18. Found the right drug and haven't been in hospital since then (now 27). When she was hospitalized did they give anti-psychotics? If so i'm guess she just decided to stop taking them?

    But bipolar is also alot more about moodswing, severe ones, like one hour she is happy, then all of the sudden she hits depression or whatever emotion decides to pop up in the cycle.

    Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-18-2011 at 06:31 PM. Reason: Response to off-topic question removed.

    Old 06-18-2011, 10:20 PM   #10
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    Re: my mother is schizophrenic-- looking for support

    I started reading your post and a few lines into i had tears rolling down my face..i could feel your heart breaking as you reached out to us to tell your story.I could never even begin living with all of that but i do know GOD puts no more on us than we can handle and i can say my sister you are one tough cookie!!!! TAK CARE!!!!!!

    Old 06-24-2011, 08:37 AM   #11
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    Re: my mother is 25,00 schizophrenic-- looking for support

    Hi, First of all let me offer my prayers for you. I have had to deal with a schizophrenic in a supportive manner as my son's wife has a mother who is paranoid schzophrenic. It is so hard for my DIL as she has no sibblings and her dad committed suicide when she was an infant, not even a year old. She has no family support whatsoever, was brought up by foster care and grandparents (mom's side) who made it clear she was unwanted. Her mother has given her a lifetime of pain and confusion, when she was with mom living in poor conditions or homeless which is when court took her from her mom and placed her with grandparents. Her grandparents passed away, 1 year ago and then the other 9 months ago. Her mom inherited about $25,000. (DIL inherited nothing) and has already spent the whole thing. She is a hoarder and impulsive shopper and so you can imagine where the money went. My DIL just does not want to cope with again her mom constantly calling asking for money for cigarettes, and other things. My son and his wife are barely making ends meet and trying to raise their 2 sons. She calls me for advice as she has no one else to turn to. How can I help my DIL and what advice would be best. She doe not want to see her mom homeless but her mom is so volatile that she could never take her into her home with her children. They are afraid of her. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading Kase

    Old 07-07-2011, 05:21 AM   #12
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    Angry Re: my mother is schizophrenic-- looking for support

    Hey, I'm also 28 and my mother is also schizophrenic. It's like the nightmare that never ends. My mom became schizo when I was 15. And she became homeless when I was 18, and I thought she was dead. But she wasn't. And I hate to say this, but I wish she was dead then. Because I still had good memories of her at the time. I think I would have turned out healthy if she died then. Now, I just have awful memories. I also started acting out, by drinking a lot. Which is horrible because now thats another miserable problem. Oh and now my older brother is developing symptoms of schizophrenia.

    And I definitely understand where you're coming from. Like, they cause so much pain in their daughters. And they don't seem to care. Actually, I think my mom doesn't really love me anymore. She will say it. But I know she doesn't. Its almost like amnesia, where I'm a stranger to her, and she's pretending.

    Its a nightmare. It's horrible. I have no mother. I have no brother. And I have a periodic drinking problem.

    Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-07-2011 at 11:04 PM.

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