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  • How can i deal with guilt --hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

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    Old 09-22-2014, 08:46 AM   #1
    THROWITAWAY
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    How can i deal with guilt --hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    i am a natural rescuer. i have been rescuing a very-likely-to-be hoarder for years. but now this person's hoarding is starting to become obsessive. i am concerned and if i walk away i am leaving someone i love very much in the lurch. this person is financially very precarious.

    morally i feel that it is not right to not help this person, but at the same time i have to be true to myself....or do i?

    i guess it is how loved ones of drug addicts feel.

    i can't continue to rescue this person or both of us will sink.

    any advice as to how to deal with guilt. it is already here and i have not actually stepped away yet.i have warned this person that if things get worse i will have to go.

     
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    Old 09-22-2014, 08:53 AM   #2
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt--hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    don't put this persons (or anyones) needs above your own.......
    if you sink you will be no help for anyone, including yourself....
    you have to do what's best for you.....

     
    Old 09-22-2014, 08:59 AM   #3
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt--hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    i can be of help but it would only be a quick fix. and temporary. as all the other times i have rescued this person.

    i am worried about the morality of the whole thing. since i have enough money to do more for this person, i feel i am being selfish.

    your advice is sound but when it comes to morality logic is not always the way it should go. i may go see a priest if things get bad. i will feel the pain as if it were my own. it is a lose lose situation.

     
    Old 09-22-2014, 09:06 AM   #4
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt--hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    money won't fix the problem.......
    I too have this same situation....I (used to) try to rescue people. The latest "project" has not improved even with my help.....I could continue to hand out money for all of his "needs" or I can stop and let him grow up on his own......I can hand out money and then drain my finances.....for what? will it really improve his situation? NO it will just ruin mine.....
    I have to say no and you do too.....
    so you have money.....why? because you earned it or acquired it somehow and didn't pizz it away.....what's his excuse why he doesn't?
    stop feeling sorry.......he isn't worth it.

     
    Old 09-22-2014, 10:27 AM   #5
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt--hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    rosequartz,

    money will temporarily but you are right, it won't really fix the problem. this person has made very poor life decisions. i think menatlly ill maybe.

    this person does not face problems but puts them off until painted into a corner.

    i hope i can deal with this because of the moral issue for me is big time!

    i want to be morally a good person all the time. sometimes what is convient is not always the logical moral thing to do.

    i don't have a lot of money rose, but i could help get my ocd buddy out of the latest scrape.

    i fear the day will come when i can't visit--when things get too bad i warned that i would not be able to deal with it.

     
    Old 09-22-2014, 07:03 PM   #6
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt--hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    I know you want to help, and I'm not talking about what is convenient....I'm talking about the big picture. You can't save people, it's something that took me over 50 years to realize.....you can't help people who won't help themselves. You said yourself that if you continue to do this you will sink....you know it.....don't let it happen. Don't make the same poor decisions that this person made....you see yourself headed for a brick wall....do you accellerate or do you brake.....it's up to you.

     
    Old 09-23-2014, 04:40 AM   #7
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt--hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    Rosequartz you are very blunt. Maybe that is what i need. I am very conflicted. I know i can't cure anything. I am just putting off a crisis.

    It is dealing with the guilt. For me it is a moral dilemma. It's about my conscience.

    How did you deal with your guilt? Did you have guilt? Can you look at this person and not be tempted to do something?

    Can you give me advice about dealing with this part of the problem.

    Last edited by THROWITAWAY; 09-23-2014 at 04:41 AM.

     
    Old 09-23-2014, 08:04 AM   #8
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt --hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    it's hard for me because my mom raised me to always help people......my mom has her own issues and that's part of why I struggle with co-dependency. She will put the other persons needs before her own in every situation, guaranteed.....I learned to do that and just in the last few years I've realized that is a mistake. It's hard.....I still help this person, with gas, food, cigarettes, and not as much as before.....money. I have paid for car repairs, glasses, shoes, etc and after a while I get resentful because this person is one of the most ungrateful people I know.....I recently have decided that he is a sociopath and that is how he operates.....one of the signs is a parasitic lifestyle. I helped him for over 5 years now and in the beginning I didn't realize he would never get on his own feet......it's always one more thing, so I have pulled back and started saying NO for my own good. I suspect you will need to do this too. These types of people target people like us, people they know they can manipulate with guilt......that's part of what helps me say no......I don't like being manipulated

     
    Old 09-23-2014, 08:30 AM   #9
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt --hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    I don't think that this person is ungrateful. Nor is a sociopath. But the capacity for emotion is not that high. It would be likely i would not feel so guilty if there was ungratefulness. Selfishness is a factor but this person is barely making it. And makes life more miserable with the junk. How long did it take you to recover from the guilt? Did you ever? I don't feel targeted tho.

     
    Old 09-23-2014, 08:36 AM   #10
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt --hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    yes your situation is different.....a hoarder does have issues, but they are not deliberately trying to take advantage of you.
    I still feel guilty sometimes and that's what makes me continue to help, albeit less than I used to....but I feel resentment too
    Can you get someone involved? a family member of the hoarder? social services?

     
    Old 09-23-2014, 08:42 AM   #11
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt--hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    I am trying. It i not easy. I have not yet been faced with ignoring a crisis. That is going to be scary. I know one will happen. What will God think? I worry about doing the right thing but if we both sink yes. Then what good will that do?

    Last edited by THROWITAWAY; 09-23-2014 at 08:46 AM.

     
    Old 09-23-2014, 08:47 AM   #12
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt --hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    I've always heard that God helps those who help themselves......
    don't worry about what God would think.....I'm sure he would be in agreement!

     
    Old 09-23-2014, 08:59 AM   #13
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt --hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    Rose, i feel no resentment...but i am tired of this. I worry about him but i have told people in my family that i am getting concerned. And that i need to get emotional support so i can face what i have to. I may talk to a priest about this as i want to do the right moral thing. This person does not help themself. But i think has problems facing anything. This person just wait until things happen. I could never live that way. That is one reason this situation exissts. But on the other hand this person mite have had a nervous breakdown without this attitude. I do know if the tables were turned i could not count on any help as you can't get blood from a stone.

     
    Old 09-23-2014, 09:11 AM   #14
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt --hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    yes I can understand that you are tired, and there is just no end in sight.....
    this person and their problems will take you down if you let them....that's why I'm saying it's time for you to be "selfish", and not in the usual sense of the word.....just start doing what is right for YOU.....you can't save the world.....try to get social services involved and then wash your hands of it....
    it isn't going to improve and you have your own life to live....you can't live someone elses life for them, you can't take responsibility for someone elses life, they have to do SOME of the heavy lifting.....

     
    Old 09-25-2014, 07:43 AM   #15
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    Re: How can i deal with guilt --hoarder in my life-- when i am at the end of my rope?

    I would not get ss involved. It would be a very upsetting thing. I have respect for the fact it is not my decision tho i do make decisions to volunteer help i do wish that this person would decide that it would be prudent to get help.

    Rosequartz you are right, but the pain that i feel is alleviated by helping if only until the next crisis. I know that in the end i lose, but i find the pain so strong. I am being selfish in a way. I want to not feel the guilt or pain

    maybe i am coming to a painful conclusion. I am damned if i do and damned if i don't.

    I need to talk to a priest as it is a moral issue for me. I am god fearing person....i think if someone in religious authority assured me to do this then i would not feel bad.

    But i must be reaching my max as i am sort of afraid to go to a priest, they may tell me i should do whatever i can and i wll lose everything. In the end god is the most important being there is! But the fact i am afraid of what a priest mite tell me, makes me hesitate. I guess that is a good sign.

    I have decided not to offer anything. If i am asked, i would have to decide. And it could not be a lot. I feel i am enabling a situation. It would be more quality of life if this person would decide to get help....it has to be voluntary or it woun't work. Just like alcoholics. They have to reach rock bottom which isn't reached but i think it could happen soon.

    Being a natural rescuer it is foreign to me to let someone dorwn. Heartbreaking. But i am getting ahead of myself as it is not that bad yet.

     
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