Bio Mom Wants Contact with my Adopted Stepdaughter

03-28-2012, 08:05 AM

Long story that I'll try to make short. I married my husband when his daughter was 2 years old. We shared custody with his ex for 8 excrutiating years of the child not wanting to spend time with the ex and the ex eventually declining visitation altogether. (She was not a very nice person) The ex then signed away her parental rights and moved away and I adopted my stepdaughter when she was 10 years old. Now our daughter is 16 and the ex is contacting me, wanting to get in touch with our daughter. I feel for her, but our daughter has never asked a single question about bio mom nor has she expressed any interest in seeing her. At this point, my husband and I are not sure if it would be wise for us to even bring this up with our daughter. We do not want to do anything to upset the balance of her life right now especially during the teenage years. However, we do not want our daughter to be upset later in life thinking that we denied her contact with bio mom. What to do?

03-28-2012, 08:38 AM

Depending on her level of maturity, I'd either tell her now that if she wants to contact her birth mother you have the contact information for her - or - wait till she's 18 and tell her then. At 18 the woman can legally contact her directly so it would be out of your hands anyway. I wouldn't tell the bio anything other than you'll see if she's interested or you want to wait till she's 18.

03-28-2012, 10:38 AM

This is a hard one, I have 6 adopted children so I understand your feelings. When we have had similar things happen I would tell the child in question, and if appropriate ask them what they would like to do. I would not want then to be upset or disappointed as an adult or feeling that I stopped them forming a relationship with their birth parent. Most times the children have said no to an access vist. Good luck with your decision.

04-04-2012, 10:42 PM

I'm not a parent, but as a kid myself,

Hiding emotionally fragile information like that could cause some SERIOUS friction if she finds out you deliberately hid it from her. The biological mother might even use it as leverage to turn your daughter against you later on.

She's growing up and the teenages years are the years when my parents prepped me into thinking for myself and making decisions for myself. Choosing what's best for your child is might not be the best thing to do in the rebellious teenage years.

07-31-2012, 09:50 AM

I would tell your stepdaughter that her biological mother wants to talk to her. It should be her choice as long as her biological mother isn't abusive or into bad things that will affect your stepdaughter. If your stepdaughter declines then that would be her choice. She will probably want you to leave it up to her anyway, being that she's 16 and we all know 16 y.o's love to make their own decisions lol. She may feel as if you treated her like a child, she may actually wonder about her real mother and if you take the chance of them talking away from her, she may resent you.

12-06-2012, 10:08 AM

Hello I myself have adopted though the situation is different I adopted my sister-in-laws baby at birth she didn't want another child. But I think you should talk to the bio mom more and feel her out, see if she's stable enough to have back in YOUR daughters life. After all you are her mom you have that right and then if you feel she's alright now talk to your daughter and see how see feels about it. Then go from there. Thats what I would do if I were in your shoes. I wish you luck and hope it all works out.

Bio Mom Wants Contact with my Adopted Stepdaughter

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