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    Old 12-24-2007, 08:00 AM   #16
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    Originally Posted by lintek45 View Post
    I'm back.
    I'm glad to hear you feel safe enough to discuss what's bothering you Jenn. I'm here for you anytime. I too understand the situation you're in because I too left my husband because of his drinking. he wouldn't stop. He wasn't bad in the beginning of our 18 year marriage and before I knew it, he was hiding it down in the basement and everytime he ran out, say for a pack of cigarettes, he'd take five hours to come back. I'd be fuming by the time he got back.
    it was the hardest descision of my life to leave.
    after all, I felt safe in what I thought was a secure life. I was a housewife raising four children since the age of 22. I dindn't know how to even begin my life after leaving him. he balanced the check book, took care of the car, like getting the oil changed, and getting the car inspected. boy did I pay a high price and looked like an idiot having to explain to an officer who ticketed me and told me my inspection was past due by 8 months. LOL

    and guess what? My second partner whom I'm now with for six years, maybe seven, I don't remember because of brain fog, is an alcoholic too. here I said I"d NEVER be with another man who drinks!!! never say "never".
    Thank GOD he's stopped now for almost a year.
    so you and I seem to have similar lives.

    oh, and please don't ever blame yourself for his drinking habits.
    they tend to make you feel that way. it's not your problem that he drinks.
    he CHOOSES to drink and not because you're sick. That's just an excuse they make up so they can justify why they drink. They all have excuses and dont' want to take the blame. it's a physcological game they play but don't even know they're doing it. if that makes any sense?
    God knows I've lived around men who drink. my father was an alcohlic and stopped when I was ten, then died when I was 18. 3 out of four of my brothers wound up becoming alcoholics and not any of my 3 sisters.

    Now that I'm older, I can easily say and make up my mind that I won't waste anymore of my days on someone who doesnt' give a darn about themselves or the people around them.

    To change the subject, I had no idea they ck your blood levels to see if you're taking the rx's. that's something new I learned.

    sometimes as I'm sitting by myself reflecting on things in the mornings when I wake up having my coffee or trying to read a book and all these thoughts are interfering with my trying to concentrate, I ask myself if I'm really ill enough to be able to ask for assistance. I say to myself, geesh, I should just find a job and forget about the disability. there's people who are worst than me.
    for years I've been telling myself I"m normal and yet I just can't make it in the working world. that's why I finally have to give in and get on disablity. I did't want to orginially. I had the opportunity back in 1998 when I tried to end my life. My therapist had the appt all set up for me. but I cancelled it.

    I don't like the confusion and all this wondering and the anxiety it makes me feel by wondering if I'm going to get disability.
    how long do you have to wait if you're turned down to re-apply?

    I hope your holiday goes well and that you're able to endure your pain.
    some days are worst than others and I'm not overly thrilled the holidays are here. it's difficult and exhausting to have to entertain my family. I wish I could just not celebrate it. but my kids would be devestated.

    wishing all of you a happy and pain free holiday and new year.
    I guess I'm not asking for too much, am I?
    Linda, We are so much alike and I am very happy to have met you here.... You don't have to re-apply... Your attorney ask for re-consideration and what happens from there is you will then get a date with the Administrative Judge Law. What I have to do is anytime my meds are changed, I call my attorneys office and advised, or if I have to see a new doctor. This way, my attorney request new records and forwards them to the SSD office as we await the hearing with the Judge. I receive a letter about a month ago from SS stating that they would notify me 20 days before the hearing. Then last week, I received another letter from SS stating what I should expect at the hearing. It also said if we had additional information we wanted to send in that we should do so, if we wanted to subpeona (sp) someone to send the request in, if we wanted to see what records that they have we could request those and so on and so on. I get a copy from SS of everything that my attorney gets.

    I called my attorney's office and asked if it were getting any closer and she said yes but that it meant anywhere from 12-14 months from the time we requested a re-consideration. I then received the letter from my attorney stating that it would be anywhere from 9-11 months from now due to the hiring freeze. If you look at the other post where Blue responded, that is what I am looking at now.

    As far as my husband now, I feel like I am stuck.... the only good thing right now about the marriage is the health insurance and that is pretty sad that I say this. What I am about to say, I tell no one except my therapist.... My husband gets paid every two weeks.... When those two weeks come around the bank account is already overdrawn 500 dollars and that is because that is all it can be overdrawn.... My car payment has not been paid for November or December but his had and is now paid off. The alternator has been out in my car for close to three months now and my husband has made no attempt to get it fixed. My dad was in town at one time to get it looked at but my husband had not put the battery charger on it so my dad could do nothing. Now, get this, my ex-husband is getting it fixed for my Christmas present. Now I don't want anyone to get any ideas, as we are just good friends as we have kids together.

    My mom and dad gave me money so that I could do Christmas shopping for my two kids, the rest of the shopping I had to do with $300 before my husband got to it. I just got 12 trigger point injections on Friday and had to go shopping on Saturday. My husband told me he had to work.... he didn't end up working but he cooked a ham and then drank all day. He cooked the ham because his kids and grandkids were coming over yesterday. I had to then cook all day yesterday with knots in my neck. Yes, I was PI**ED. As my husband said he was going to get cigs and came back with a bottle of whiskey and drank all day. My oldest son had to go to work last night at 8:30 and I let my youngest son go spend the night with a friend. When I was leaving to take my son to his friend's house, my husband gave me a dirty look. Like, I know you are hurting, why are you taking him. I just gave him a dirty look back. I almost didn't come back home but my meds were here. I had thought about having a major talk but I know better than to have a civil talk with a drunk. I wasn't gone 30 minutes and when I got home my husband was passed out on the couch, he didn't here me come in.... I left him on the couch, took my meds and went to bed. When I got up this morning, he was gone to work.

    I am going to the lake in the morning to see my mom and dad and there is not even any money in the bank for gas money.... I am thinking about staying down there the rest of the week but I don't want my kids to be stuck with my husband. They can always stay with their dad. Its just the ride home from the lake. However, their dad is going to the country which is only an hour from the lake so I could always take them over there and have him bring them home which would really Pi** off my husband.

    I am sorry to burden all of you with this however, I really needed to get this off my chest today.

    I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and a pain free holidays. May peace be with you all. Love, Jenn.

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    Old 12-31-2007, 09:13 AM   #17
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    Hey Jenn,
    I was typing back to you and I lost it. hope it's not posted twice.
    I wrote in the last one that I was sorry on replying to you so late.
    I haven't been getting on my computer like I used to before we moved here to his parents house. He gets on it first now in the mornings because he gets up first. so instead of the computer, I read my book instead and by the time he gets off of it for me to use, I"m too tired to get on.
    that's why I haven't been checking my mail.
    I also told you too that I LOVE reading your letters and I want you to write till your hearts content. it's good to get this burden off your chest.
    I also said that sometimes when you're in a miserable, unhappy marriage, it's better to just get it over with rather than let the years drag on and you dont' want to lose any precious years of your life.
    you'll look back and wonder where all the years went on of your life and you'll age quicker and your health could even get effected stress wise if you're unhappy. it will show on your face and your health.
    a psychiatrist told me that divorce effects all children differently. some can handle it and some can't. and that we're not to feel guilty thinking we're the ones that screwed up our kids.
    you are not being treated well at all. what happened to the vows he took when he married you? he should be taking care of you, loving you, spending quality time with you and your children. not sleeping on the couch drunk, while you turn into bed and go to sleep with no one to talk to about your worries or troubles. it's not right that he's doing this to you.
    you can get medical insurance on your own if you ever get divorced. don't worry about that. it will get worked out.
    you can get on medicaid. it's not that difficult to get as we think.
    you qualify for it.
    what state do you live in?
    how old are your children? maybe they wouldn't be affected by a divorce if you choose to go in that direction?
    I CAN'T believe he left you in pain without your med's.
    what a mean, careless thing to do to someone we love. let alone doing it to anyone in general.
    I'm sorry you suffer financially. I know what that feeling is like. especially when my unemployement was in the pending stage and they stopped sending me weekly checks. I had only collected two before they stopped them.
    I waited weeks and weeks to see what they determined and no one contacted me, so I contacted them. and good thing that I did. because sitting there were checks from October till December and the representative didn't know why no one sent them to me being it was approved.
    It was like a blessing from heaven. I jumped for joy when she told me the good news.
    people have NO idea what some of us go thru. some hide it very well on the outside, but inside they're hurting and wondering where the next payment is going to come from to pay their car loan that's two months behind, or where is the money going to come from to put gasoline into the car?
    no more getting a slice of pizza if we get a craving for it or chinese food because we have to be careful where ever single dime goes.
    it wasn't always this hard. But then when these hard time are here, I have to remind myself they dont' last forever. they really don't. it just seems like it will stay that way forever. like when someone is in pain. you're afraid it'll last forever.
    we have the strength within us when the time is needed for it to be used.
    one is never defeated if we try. it's when we don't try is when we're defeated. right?
    keep your chin up, keep your eyes straight ahead of you and don't look back.
    don't stop to dwell on the negative and keep your faith.
    It sounds to me you won't have to wait years to get an answer from SS.
    you have a good lawyer and you're doing all the right things.

    How was your Christmas? and how is your pain level doing?
    mine was absolutely the worst it's ever been due to the straight two in row days that I had to prepare food, wrap presents at the last minute, clean and prepare the rooms for company and then to have to clean up the mess when the meal was over. then have to wake up and do it all over again for my companions mother and family that was coming over. I didn't go down stairs to get into bed till after 10pm that night.
    every muscle and joint was killling me. it hurt to put my feet onto the floor when I got out of bed. someone told me to get a RA test performed being I'm all of a sudden getting pain and stiffness in my fingers, ankles and feet.
    I had a test done a year ago which came out negative so the rheumy dr told me he didn't think he should perform it again and thinks I dont' have it.

    I'm definetly going to redo the test when my medicaid arrives and if I'm approved because i"ll be seeing a new rheumy doctor. I also want other testing performed on me. like an MRI like the radiologist who read my xray suggested to do but no one has done it because they said they know how the insurance companies work and that I'd have to do physical therapy first before getting an approval for an MRI from the insurance company I had then.
    but being I'll have medicaid, maybe they do it different.
    I feel like i have something else going on in my body. I was right when I had the assumption that something was really wrong and we discovered my vitamin D level was so dangerously low and for how long, we'll never know.
    I did know the new symptoms started about two years ago. so it could've been that long I had it so low. my blood pressure was dropping so low and I couldnt' understand why. you don't just have high blood pressure for years and then out of the clear blue sky have it do way way down as if I was going into shock almost.
    yet my dr didn't seem to listen to my pleas of not feeling well and he didn't further pursue why my blood pressure was dropping so low and why was I feeling worst and progressivly getting more pain?
    I'll never ever forget this. that's another reason why I keep repeating myself about this subject. because it just blows my mind to see how many people go misdiagnosed for years becasue the doctor is not taking the patient seriously when they speak to them.
    it's almost like they don't really listen and don't really care.
    either that, or I'm not showing the doctor I'm seeing how really bad i"m feeling.
    all I know is that I just want to feel normal again. just to be able to have a day where I wake up pain free and not feel like i have a sinus headache or my eyes are blurry and I wish I can smell again or not feel like i"m in the body of a 90 year old rather than my own 47 year old body.
    don't you wish we can have that this new year?
    that's my new years resolution is to give up smoking. I"m foolish, I know.
    I have the patches sitting in my closet ready to go when the day comes.

    all these things I have to do to take care of my body yet I procrastinate.

    so see? I'm sharing my burdens today too. so don't ever feel bad about doing that. that's what this glorious board is for doing.

    I wish you a pain free and a peacefull New Year.

    all my concern,


    Old 12-31-2007, 01:15 PM   #18
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    Hey Linda, Thank you for your kind words.... It is nice when you can relate to someone on here. We went down to see my parents at the lake for Christmas and I decided to stay for a couple of extra days... That way I take a break from this life and can help my Mom with my Grandma. My grandma can be a real pistol sometimes. She is 91 but likes to act like a 2 year old when everyone is not paying attention to her. It gives my mom a break when I go down there though as I will cook my grandma's breakfast and let mom sleep in as it is the least I can do.

    I had my husband come and get me Saturday afternoon and believe it or not, he drank on the way to get me. On the way home, I told him when we got in the truck to come home that his drinking was getting out of hand. He got pretty mad, had a couple more drinks and then didn't drink anymore even after we got home. Who cares, it wouldn't last very long.

    He then asked me why my ex was messing with my car and I told him that he was going to fix my car for my Christmas and Birthday present as he gets me something every year from the kids. My husband said well it sounds to me like he is trying to get back in. I told him to give me a break that my dad had called and asked him to do a couple of things. He said well I think I should have been told because it makes me feel about 2 inches tall. I said well I didn't know until my son told me the other night and the car is going to one of my dad's friends house. My husband told me that it was his job to take care of my car. I was thinking to myself that had he not been buying bottle after bottle of whiskey, we could have had enough money by now to fix the car.

    I also told him that his kids being here for Christmas on Sunday was a total stress on me because they are so disrespectful including the grandkids. The one in the fifth grade wanted to argue about global warming. He was screaming at me at the top of his lungs as his mother and my husband were in the kitchen getting drunk and his lazy dad was sitting in the living room while all this was going on not saying a word. I told my husband I am not putting up with that in my home. He said if I had known I would have put a stop to that. My house is not that big that he could not have heard it.

    My problem with leaving him other than the insurance is I have no income at all right now. I would have no way to pay any bills whatsoever. That is why I feel so stuck. I try to make the best of it until I find out about my SSD. My psychiatrist is not sure any meds will help the BiPolar while I am in this relationship. My therapist keeps asking for my husband to come in with me. He always says he will and then when it comes time he says well you didn't tell me and I just can't take off work to go. He can take off when HE has something to do. My therapist is pretty sharp.... She said she will start it off by asking how I act at home and then slowly turn it to his drinking. She is pretty good.

    It has been raining alot here and cold which has the fibro flaring its ugly little head quite frequently. I had to call for an emergency appointment with the PM doc for injections two weeks after my normal appointment. I have to go back on Jan 9th for my regular appointment, which will mean more injections.

    I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday this week so I guess we will see what type of med changes or additions he will want to make this week. Its a never ending battle. I am tired of the constant battle with all of this and trying to become healthy both mentally and physically. I refuse to give up though.

    Thank you for all your support. I hope you have a pain free New Year. Jenn

    Old 01-01-2008, 06:59 AM   #19
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    Happy New Year Jenn.
    you're so kind to take care of your grandmother and to help out your mom as well. You're grandmother sounds cute. I'll bet she lives to be 100.
    they say care givers NEED to have some time to themselves because it can be physically and mentally draining to have to be a caregiver to someone 24 hours a day. I'll bet your mom would LOVE to see you more often as soon as you get your car fixed.
    I don't think your husband was even aware he was being selfish by spending the much needed money on your car rather than his booze.
    most alcoholics don't realize it. or if they do, they really can't help their addiction. if one has never had trouble with drinking, they just don't understand the compulsion to drink. they physically need it if they go past a certain hour of the day without it.
    I really had no idea what the addiction was like until I had a battle with a drug addiction and had to get help to stop it because I couldnt' do it on my own. I suffered so much with physical withdrawals, and not to mention I too was very selfish when I wanted to get high and I even felt guilty but still couldn't stop myself. I'll bet your husband feels some type of remourse about his problem.
    otherwise I don't think he would have agreed to go with you to therapy.
    give him notice ahead of time like he told you he needs. THEN see if he backs out of it or not. this way he has no excuse to make why he didn't go with you.
    he seems to want to cooperate.
    how many years have you been married to him now?
    plus he sounds like he's jeoulous of your exhusband and sounds afraid of losing you. he still loves you I'm sure.
    marriage or relationships in general can be difficult because the woman and man are both individuals. we can't rely on the other person to make us happy. we shouldn't depend on anyone but our own selves for anything. otherwise we will bound to get dissapointed.
    it's difficult to not do, because I know, I do the same thing. I've been trying to work on this particular area of my life for many years now.

    it's hard to be an independent woman when we don't work and we don't make our own money or have our own medical insurance.
    I want to be self sufficient but sometimes we can't be.
    I understand your predicament.
    I need to make an apptn too to see my psychiatrist again. I really loved working with her. she is so cool and down to earth. you'd never know she's a psychiatrist. most psychiatrists are cold and in a hurry to get you in the office to write you a script and get you out. they hire the therapist to do the talking with the patient. but mine was not like that.
    we sat on the internet one day together looking up something about medications to put me on. PLUS she was so concerned for my health when I was losing so much weight and we didn't know why. she even wrote a letter to my family dr to show him it was not related to any mental condition and she wanted him to do further investigation about my health.
    at least I wasn't going crazy. I really thought that at one time because when doctors can't find a diagnosis in a patient quickly, they tend to push it off on the womans mental health, because we're a woman.
    I remember years ago when my kids were little, that my dr blamed it on my little kids the reason why I felt nauseus and was losing weight then too.
    I wound up having the H.pylori bacteria in my stomach. I had to be put on antibiotics for a month! you can't blame that on stress of being a mother for crying out loud.
    I will never ever forget that. it humilated me and made me feel like I was being a hypocondriac when my dr didn't believe i was really sick.
    you get horrible symptoms with the bacteria h.pylori.
    now they don't have to make you swallow a tube to go into your stomach and do a biopsy. they can do do it a breathalizer test or by taking blood now.

    the wonders of medicine.

    I really hope it goes well with your dr on friday. I know my bipolar has settled down drastically just by being on zoloft. It's a miracle drug as far as I'm concerned. I asked my psychiatrist to put me on it, becasue all the drugs she wanted to put me on were horrible psychtrophic drugs or anti seizure meds. they all made my head feel weird and made my constipation even worst than I already have.
    I was told I have IBS just a few months ago but had no idea that IBS and fibro go toghether.
    did you know that?
    oh, it's been raining and over cast here in NY just about everyday for 2 weeks now. I'm wondering if I'm living in England? I don't remember it ever being so wet here like it's been and yes, I agee, it does effect our fibro and my arthritis too.
    my spine has been acting up alot since I stopped taking my vit. D. I'm wondering if my levels are dropping again.
    I need further investigation into this deficiency and can't wait to get ontop of it when I get my medical coverage. (IF i get the medical coverage)

    let me know what type of med's your dr is recommending for the bipolar when you go. I'm very interested in finding out.
    have you ever tried lithium?
    i have. that's all I'm going to say because I dont want to put anything negative into your brain before you try it if you haven't had it yet.

    let me know how you're holding up today.


    Old 01-02-2008, 04:50 PM   #20
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    Linda - I have been on every drug you can imagine for BP.... For over 20 years I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and severe depression so the meds they had me on didn't work and now they are having a hard time getting meds to work for the BP. You name it, I have been on it other than the lithium.... cymbalta, depakote, buspar, prozac, the list goes on and on. Right now he has me on lamictal, seroquel, xanax, ritalin and sleeping pills as I don't sleep very well. On top of that I take topamax for migraines, then for the fibro, hypermobility and other problems I take, lortab, mobic, neurotin, methocarbamol (sp), muscle relaxers, multi vitamin, and fish oil. I think that is it for now for a grand total of 26 pills a day.

    My husband drinks because he likes the taste of whiskey, or so that is his excuse. Sorry but I don't have a lot of sympathy right now for him. He makes sure his car payment was made, his cell phone gets paid and he eats lunch everyday while I don't even have enough money to go to the grocery. He spends close to $175 a week in gas which another guy rides with him and gives him $50.

    He knew I wouldn't tolerate the drinking before we met and everything was fine until I got sick. If he has issues with it then he needs to deal with them, not with the bottle.

    I just sat and wrote him a six page letter and he will probably be pretty mad when he gets done reading it. As far as giving he advance warning for going with me to my therapist, I tell him a month in advance, then a week in advance, then a couple of days, and then the day before and then the morning of the appointment he can't make it.

    He already has the bank account overdrawn $500 and he gets paid tomorrow and the rent is due. This is how it is every two weeks. Probably $200 is overdraft fees. I can't deal with this.

    We have been married two years now. I am getting angrier and angrier by the day. I am about ready to explode. My shrink said he didn't know if there is any meds out there to help with the way the situation is at home. How about that. So how is that supposed to make me feel.... I told my husband in the letter that I just wrote him that too.

    I also told him to think of the worst pain he has ever had in his whole life in any part of his body.... now think of it being in every joint, muscle, tendon, every nook and crany and multiply that pain by one million.... that is how I feel every minute of every day physically and mentally and I never complain to anyone. He knows I come to the boards to talk.

    He also told me I talk to much to my mom and dad. They don't even know how bad the drinking problem is yet. I dealt with an alcoholic for 20 years before.... Been there done that.... I can't and won't waste my time again.

    He tells me I have my meds that this is his meds.... That really hurt and I won't even let him know it. I build walls.... Steel walls. It's starting to get pretty high.

    Sorry for venting... had to get it out. Thanks for listening. Jenn

    Old 01-02-2008, 05:20 PM   #21
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    Jenn, Sweetie, please go to Al-Anon. I know the stress in my life because of my "dear ones" who drink and use drugs makes the fibro worse. You can't take much more of this... I can "hear' it in what you write. You need to take care of yourself right now...not have to worry about your husband and all the bills.

    Is there any way you can take a break and go to your parent's house for a few weeks?

    I'll pray for you... I wish there was more I could do. Mary

    Old 01-03-2008, 05:15 AM   #22
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    I have bipolar disorder and i take wellbutrin, abilify, and lamictal. It took years to find that this is the combination that works for me. Maybe it will work for you too.

    My husband is a sick alcoholic too. I try to show him as much love as i can. Love is the answer. I don't ***** or be a martyr. i just be me. Al Anon is a great program that is for the person who lives with the alcoholic and it works even if their alcoholic never gets sober. It works it really does. The negative stress and feelings cause flares too.

    I kept my holiday very simple. We gave $50 to each of our kids and bought my parents a gift on line. We bought a $5 xmas tree and put it on the mantle. We ate at my parents. I didn't flare.

    I hope that you all feel better soon. I know i had to drastically change my lifestyle but it is way worth it.


    Old 01-03-2008, 06:05 AM   #23
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    i was married to an alcoholic for 13 years. he drank only when i was visiting my mom. at least i think he drank then. i have no idea. when we got together i gave him a choice, me or the booze. he went back to the booze as soon as i left him.
    then we move on to 16 years with a functioning alcoholic who was also diabetic. that is a story too long to go into. ended with him being taken to jail. nobody threatens me.
    my birth dad was an alcoholic also. gee, see the connection? i did.
    the man i visit now is a non drinker like me. what a relief. it took me alot of years to realize no amount of love cures a drunk. you can choose to live with one or not. for myself i decided not. figured out i am worthy of more.

    Old 01-03-2008, 08:20 AM   #24
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    Originally Posted by bikerbabe View Post
    Jenn, Sweetie, please go to Al-Anon. I know the stress in my life because of my "dear ones" who drink and use drugs makes the fibro worse. You can't take much more of this... I can "hear' it in what you write. You need to take care of yourself right now...not have to worry about your husband and all the bills.

    Is there any way you can take a break and go to your parent's house for a few weeks?

    I'll pray for you... I wish there was more I could do. Mary
    Mary - Thank you for your concern and to all the others.... I wrote a six page letter to my husband yesterday relating how I felt and he told me I wasn't being fair to him. Oh well.... He told me I have way to much time on my hands to sit around and think of things to write.... I am much better at writing than talking because I tend to get confused (fibro fog) and then the anger and aggitation from the BP comes out.

    I have been to Al-Anon many times to many different meetings at different places.... They tend to depress me way to much and I started to feel if they didn't want to get help then why invest so much of my time. I know all about the alcoholic who "quits" drinking and then has the same problems only they are a "dry drunk". My husband told me last night he would quit drinking. I know without treatment, he will still be a "dry drunk"... But hey, he is under a lot of stress also... and I have my meds that cost alot of money and I have a mental illness along with physical problems so he doesn't expect much out of me. I do as much as I can sometimes overdoing it. However, "he understands all that" yet refuses to learn about the BP.

    Thank you to all for your kind words. I could go to my parents for a few weeks however, I have two kids here that I wouldn't dare leave here with him. Have a pain-free day my friends. Jenn

    Old 01-05-2008, 06:42 AM   #25
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    How are things going Jenn?
    Did hubby read the letter yet?
    I hope things get easier for you when you get on SSD.
    when you applied for it, did you put down the physical as your disability? or did you put down the bipolar disease first?
    I say this only because my exhusband who is on SSD couldn't function physically because his neurological system is messed up and from what, they dont' really know. he walks like he's walking on egg shells, and his ability to write was effected, and he has chronic depression. the man has been on everything possible as far as mental health drugs and nothing seems to work for him.
    he filed for disablity for the physical part and they denied him. he then was in the phsychiatirc ward when his dr told helped him file for his mental disability and that's when they gave it to him.
    he didn't have to wait long either.
    that's why I was wondering what you put down as your disability.
    it's hard when you have multiple things effecting us because i didn't know which one is worst than the other?
    I just finished filling out the 18 page questionere they sent me the other day and i"m relieved to get that over with. I cringed when I saw a letter from them in the mail. I have had 15 jobs since the year 1998. that's pretty sad isn't it?
    that's not counting other jobs I had before I was married. do others with bipolar disease go thru alot of jobs too? or is it just me?
    do people with bipolar have a hard time keeping their mouths shut when something up sets them? espeically if someone does something rude to them or speaks rude to them?
    is that considered an anger problem vs bipolar?

    I have all these questions running thru my mind and it's making me so darn nervous. I finallly will be going back to therapy once a week. the old place I went to called me to see if they'd have my permission to speak with SSD being they called there about me. plus my address didn't match up with the one they said I lived at. so the director called me and I told him I give him my permission to give out info. plus my change of address.
    I had to leave the house we were renting due to my losing my job. we couldn't afford to pay the bills and pay the rent. the rent alone was $1,400.00 a month and the place was like a delapidating cottage. talk about mold problem. I actually thought at one time the house is what started making me sick because of the mold problem. the walls in my closet where my clothes were hanging was all wet and I thought maybe a pipe was leaking. we cut a hole in the wall to see what was behind it and we found out there is no insulation. only the big cynder blocks that was painted with this black tarry stuff. the walls in my bdrm would always peel and not because the former people painted the walls with an oil base paint. it was because of the dampness of the sheet rock. it was utterly disgusting.
    we lived there for six years and we didn't leave because our land lady never raised our rent in the six yrs we were there. we never complained to her and never asked for new things, which it needed desperalty.
    her husband is deseased so she takes care of this property herself.
    we had a dog and two cats and do you know how hard that is to find a person who will rent a place to you with animals? very very rare and difficult to find.

    anyway, I often thought that the mold problem is what got me sick. but I guess not.
    everything seemed to hit me all at once. do you also have a problem with your blood sugar? hypoglycemia, not diabetes?
    my fiance's mother said the other day to me something that really hurt my feelings. she asked me if there isn't anything that I don't have?
    she was just diagnosed with having the bacteria in her stomach, called H.pylori, and I told her I had that back in the 80's. that's when she made that comment to me.
    I can't help it if I'm afflicted with so many different types of illnesses.
    it's as if she THINKS I want to be ill. how absurd is that?
    that's the impression I got anyway.
    It doesn't help me on days when I'm having a flare up,. I feel I'm not allowed to verbally ever say I hurt or that I need extra rest on that particular day.
    I wish with all my heart that i could have our own place again away from people like her.
    people who dont have fibro or arthritis don't understand what its like.
    I find that very frustrating and wish they'd talk more about this illness to the public. they need to make more people aware of it.

    two representatives that work at social services office when I was applying for medicaid asked me what "fibromyalgia" was when they asked me if I have any medical conditions. can you believe that medicaid office never heard of it? how many people do they see each day five days a week for how many years and they never once had anyone come in there with fibro?

    I began to wonder then how many people are diagnosed with it?
    It's not rare, is it?

    welll enough of my rattling on.

    I was happy to see other woman speak up of the similar situation of our spouses being alcoholics and what they did or how they dealt with it.

    I also can't believe your husband said he'd quit drinking. that is great news.
    lets just hope he means it, right?
    I wish you the best Jenn and write anytime you're up to it.


    Old 01-05-2008, 08:54 AM   #26
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    Yes, hubby read the letter and told me I wasn't being fair to him... Said I had to much time on my hands to sit around and think up things to write.... I explained if he wanted to go through my journal, feel free. I also found another letter I started back in September to him and told him about that. I also explained that when he had surgery about 4 months ago (appendicts, he was crawling the walls after two weeks) so if he thought I was having a good time, he was way off base.

    When I was working, I was a Type A Personality really bad, working anywhere from 12-16 hours a day and then bringing home the laptop every night. So no, I wasn't lazy. To sit in this house day in and day out is really hard for me.

    I am in major fibro fog so if I jump around I am really sorry however, the mold problem you were having at your old place played a major role in your health issues. I am a firm believer in that. My oldest son who is now 20, almost didn't make it to his first birthday due to GERD and asthma. They ended up doing surgery at 11 months, he was on close to 20 meds a day, was sent to a hospital across the country and I can tell you, mold can do alot of damage. My grandmother ended up in the hospital due to mold in her house also. Don't think it can't hurt you. They have to have specialist come in to clear that stuff out and sometimes it isn't worth it due to the cost. I am not trying to scare you but they had to drain my grandma's lungs due to the problems she was having just from mold.

    When I filed for disability, I listed both the mental issues and physical issues. I went to their doctors and the GP just about killed me with his exam. I was in tears by the time he got done and then in bed for close to a week. I called the adjuster on Monday after the appt on Saturday, then she had her Supervisor call me also to no avail. He advised that I was fine. He even asked about my BP and the sexual promuscity and all that goes with BP. The psychiatrist that I had to see asked math problems and who the president was. It wasn't pleasant with either one and they both confused me.

    As far as my job history in the last 15 years before I filed, I was at one for 9 years, left that one to go work for one of the sons new businesses, which I worked at for 8 years, which was not a good experience and sent me into a manic episode, which I did not know what it was at the time because I was diagnosed as severely depressed and generalized anxiety disorder. However, hindsight is 20/20 and now I know that I was in a major manic episode. I was seeing a psychologist every week and he didn't see the BP. As far as the anger, it didn't start until about a year ago.

    I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and I am getting pretty frustrated with him. He upped my lamictal but told me he didn't know how much the meds were going to do and how much he could expect from then considering the relationship I was in. I explained that I was working on it and was seeing my therapist who is in his office and didn't understand what else he expected of me. I told him that my pdoc explained that the fibro was getting worse in my elbows and knees. What does he want me to do when even if I decided to leave, where would I go. I refuse to leave my kids.

    The rent hasn't been paid and I said something to my husband this morning that I didn't think there would even be enough money to cover it with our overdraft. He said make the check out and I will figure something out later. Famous last words. There is no food in this house. On top of that, my car payment still hadn't been made for November and December and they called last night. They wanted the car or two months of payments. My 20 year old overheard the conversation and took the car payments to them. I felt horrible. The kid works his butt off only to have to spend the money on my car payment. I know once I tell my husband, he will raise hell once again. We already owe my son close to $4,000. I am sick to death of having no money.

    You ask about the anger... We have a health savings account that we have a card that has been reloaded for the new year... When I went to the doctor yesterday, it wouldn't work, which meant I had to pay out of pocket, which I really didn't have. I called my husband and he said I'll ask HR. I said well I have to turn my phone off now, but I wasn't that nice as the card worked the night before. Once I got out of the doctor's office, he said all I could do is call the number on the back of the car. When I got home I called it and she advised that she could only answer general questions due to the HIPPA laws because it was in his name. She finally told me their system was down. I asked when it was going to be back up as I needed more meds. Well we hope this afternoon was her response. So I asked when I could call back. Well I don't know. So when my husband called back, I went off. He said I was taking it out on the wrong person... I said welcome to my world of BP. He said you need to calm down. I said will that will work with a bottle of my cocktails, and he hung up.

    Once he was home, he said nothing to me and asked if I had called back. So I called back and she said I can't talk to you about anything your husband will need to call so I said he is here. I was furious and was taking the phone to him and yelled a few choice words. He was all yes honey to her on the phone. I said all I want to know is is the ******* card going to work. Evidently, he can fill out a paper so that they can talk to me. He told them to email the paper. I explained that I cannot deal with this card every week.

    I have rambled enough. Sorry, Jenn

    Old 01-06-2008, 09:21 AM   #27
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    I was thinking...... you have nothing with this man, meaning: he takes all the money and doesn't even think of your needs and your responsibilites of paying the car loan and worst, not having food in the house.
    they say a person needs 3 things to feel secure and healthy minded, which is: shelter, food, and clothing. without these basic needs, one will feel insecure and lost. I know, I've been there a few times myself but not for a long period of time. the times I was in it, I really understood the meaning of poverty and how miserable and depressed I felt as a human being. we NEED to have those 3 things in order to be healthy and at peace.
    what difference would it make if you weren't with him anyway?
    you dont' have anything now.
    you'd have more if you were to seek help for woman who have children and they'd place you in an apartment of your own. I'm sure there's a waiting list, but if you start the process now, you'll at least be taking some action to better your life.
    believe me, you will at first feel alittle lost not having your normal regimine or routines even though you're unhappy and miserable. Most woman stay even though their unhappy because they feel at least it's normalcy in their life, which really that's only an illusion.
    I hated being alone when I left my family. I did it the wrong way and believe me, there's not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened. the guilt eats me up. my kids forgive me now, and even say they realize it was good I left their father. they're all back in my life now and I'm forgiven but I can't seem to forgive myself for the way I did it.
    at least you can plan it. I didn't plan anything at all other than how to get out of that house and away from my husband. I must have been temporay insane at the time because of how I did it. I'm thinking because of the Bipolar and I must have been very sick then, because I know with all my heart now, that I would never do anything that would jeopardize hurting my children or anyone that I have loved, like my ex husband. I'm sorry I hurt him.
    we get along now, but it took many years to get to that point.
    I've made ammends with God and feel I should't be punished by others when they see me. people used to give me a certain look. it's small town and gossip gets around like wild fire.
    I suffered the humiliation of it all. That was my punishment and I had to take it.
    so now I see that you're in a similar situation and I wish with all my heart that I can help you. I've always had this deep desire to open a building of apartments to help woman with or without children, who need a chance to get on their feet and start over again in life, but without the person who they're trying to get away from. I'm sure they have some sort of organization where you live who you can call and get some information.
    there has to be something. an answer. especially being your ill and have children. the government gives out all these funds to organizations.

    It's just a thought.

    you sound like you're really hurting and that you need a big hug and a friend you can confide in. I hope your therapy sessions work out for you and that you're able to pour out your pain and your anger. otherwise it will build up and can effect your immune system. you dont' need any more flair up's than you're already having.
    wish you were closer so I can help you.

    my heart goes out to you,


    Old 01-16-2008, 10:49 AM   #28
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    I am sorry it has taken so long to respond... Haven't felt much like getting on here. I mean I have been on here but trying to help other people and trying to ignore my own.... I am sorry to you all....

    My 16 year old had a basketball game on Saturday and my husband didn't even go.... Didn't say why he just started taking down the Christmas tree. Last year he never missed a game. I didn't let it bother me because both myself and his Dad were there. Plus one of my son's friend had spent the night and he went also. When we got home from the game later in the afternoon, I asked my husband if he wanted to go out to eat on some gift cards we got for Christmas. I only asked because my son was going to spend the night with his friend and my other son had went to the lake to see my parents. So after dropping off my son and his friend at his house, we went to eat. Not much was said at dinner. He was watching a tv most of the time. We ordered steak and steak doesn't agree with me most of the time so he knows I need to get home pretty soon after eating. So I finally told him that the steak wasn't agreeing with me and could he hurry up. He finally started eating and we left.

    On Sunday we sat around watching tv and my youngest son called to be picked up. It was pretty cold and my husband knows how bad the cold affects me however, did he even offer to go get him, no. I won't even ask him. I take my son to school every morning in this cold weather while he sits here and drinks coffee. I don't expect much out of him when it comes to my kids anymore. He thinks I am to easy on my kids. He wants me to get on my son for grades and not let him drive when he can only drive with me.

    Now get this, his daughter only has a third grade education.... She was being home-schooled, yet when I checked her records, The education department said that she never turned anything in since the third grade. Now how sad is that. So she is a waitress and I am not saying there is anything wrong with that but I would think you would be furious if your wife wasn't doing the home-schooling and he knew she wasn't... but he wasn't getting in the middle of it. The girl is now 18 and I have explained that she needs to get her GED... However, I don't think she can do it without alot of help. His ex-wife died back in October and can you believe he is still paying maintenance. It is supposed to be over after this paycheck. No wonder I am so stressed out and go off at the drop of a hat. His 18 year old and 2 step-daughters are still living in the house, 6 bedrooms, 3 baths, how nice is that. On top of that the property settlement is still not done which should have been done over 3 years ago... His ex-wife opened a credit card and signed his name, it was to be paid off and I found out it wasn't and now with the extra charges, can't think of what it is called, it has almost doubled. Her attorney never paid it off. So they are supposed to put a claim on the estate. His attorney says we need to wait until the maintenance thing is done. I am sick and tired of all of this.

    I have rambled enough and need to go pick up my son. Sorry but the fibro fog is thick today. Will talk to you all soon, Jenn

    Old 01-17-2008, 06:25 AM   #29
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    sorry you're not having a good time of it Jenn.
    things will get better on it's own time. it usually does and it seems though when you're in it, that it will never end. but it does, I promise you that.
    I forget now the things I had to endure when it was difficult. when you're in it, it seems like it will take forever to end or that it will never get better.
    life has a way of managing all by itself sometimes. it's hard to say don't fret, because one can't do that when you're mind is on so many stresses such as bills and owing money.
    are you considering going to a therapist and maybe getting on some type of medicine for your stress?
    did I already ask you this?
    it worked tremendously for me and I fought it for years. I didn't think I needed the medication, plus the idea of having to go to therapy was not the greatest plan for me either. but I have to say 3 years later now, I am a much happier and less stressed out person I was before.
    I am able to manage things that come my way easier without falling apart. there were times I just wanted to die. I used to fantasize about how I'd do it.
    there was this heavy dark veil over my eyes, like I was walking around like a zombie.
    about a few weeks after being on prozac, or paxil, I dont' know which one it was now, but all of a sudden I was able to see the little things in life again that were so amazingly beautiful. the chirping of the birds were loud enough fo me to hear them, I basked in the heat of the sunshine, where as before, all I wanted to do was go out to do what I had to do and get home as fast as I could.
    I began seeing the beauty of the outdoors again and I could feel the warmth of Spring coming and everything started to blossom. including my spirit.
    I felt dead and then all of a sudden I became alive again.
    that was my experience and I never want to go back to that horrible position I was before I started my m edication.
    I don't want you to take it as an insult that I'm suggesting therapy and medication. I'm only trying to suggest to you what helped me.
    believe you me, I had reasons to be stressed out too. lack of money and a job, bills galore, my kids were doing drugs and not coming home till the early mrning, one son I had to tell him to go and live with his dad because he wasn't abiding by our rules and we were very leinent. we were not strict in the least. so it wasn't like I was asking him to do everything.
    he refused to work, refused to help around the house and wouldn't even empty the garbage for us. it was the hardest thing I had to do was to tell him to go.
    plus my fiance was drinking heavily and making our lives impossible. god forbid If I said anything about his drinking. I'd find holes in the wall and my precious things broken. so I learned to try and keep my mouth shut when he drank and just go into my bdrm and pray that he didn't get mad to get him off on a mad rage.
    it was horrible. I remember crying in my car when I was alone and praying to God that he would help me.
    well he did. it took time though but he or it, definetly helped me.
    a total turn around for that matter.
    that's why I say that life has a way of working itself out. I learned how to detach myself from the situation so I wouldn't become directly effected by it emotionally. it was the hardest thing I've had to learn, but you do it for your sanity's purpose.

    good luck Jenn, and it was good hearing back from you.
    hang in there.


    Old 01-17-2008, 06:35 AM   #30
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    Re: Newly diagnosed with fibro

    I was just diagnosed with fibro in August. I've been in pain that had gradually gotten worse for 5 years. It began after I delivered my first son. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that I have this for the rest of my life. During flare-ups my leg pain is so bad that I'm limping around my house trying to take care of a 5 and 3 year old. It's just too much sometimes. My current flare-up started after I had a great time playing with my boys outside and then sat on my neighbor's concrete front steps that next day for about an hour. For some reason, when I sit on hard surfaces for too long, my pain acts up. I don't understand? I'm reading as much as I can about this condition but there are still so many unanswered questions in the medical community. I find it so frustrating that I can't do "normal" activities without paying for it later. I started on Cymbalta about 6 weeks ago and I thought my pain was getting better. I had previously been on Lexapro for post-partum depression so I had to wean off of that. It was no walk in the park with the withdrawal side effects. With this most recent flare-up, I don't know if it was worth it.

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