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No compassion from spouse

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Old 02-10-2008, 09:13 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida, usa
Posts: 208
sweetjerseygirl HB User
No compassion from spouse

It took a long time for me to be diagnosed with fibro, after years of suffering and no one could find out what was wrong. Now that we know & believe me i know my husbands sick of me complaining, he mostly ignores me, leaves me alone, doesnt check on me when i am laying in bed to see if i need anything, says things like "what do u want me to do?" " Did u take anything?",

Its making me feel more depressed than i already do along with all the guilt that comes along with this condition. I was so mad i was screaming at the top of my lungs last night ? He says he cant take my attitude anymore and asked me if i wanted a divorce last night ? Right when i was finally eating something, always with the bad timing and stupid comments. In reality he's giving me the attitude instead of what i really need.

Most of the time all i need is some love and compassion, just a little attention goes a long way but being ignored is making everything more frustrating for me. He spends more time with the computer or the x-box than he does with me and has been down right mean.

I have been doing a lot of crying lately and i know thats not helping my mental state but he doesnt get it, although he says he has read up on it, its not enough, he doesnt help me enough around the house because he's tired or had a rough week, or he's hurting! Which i know he is a lot from an accident. He leaves more work for me on the week-end, he thinks because im home now i have all this time. Says things like "well your home all week" I just dont know how to handle this anymore.......I really do the best i can, but i know he thinks thats not true.

Last edited by sweetjerseygirl; 02-10-2008 at 09:17 PM.

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Old 02-11-2008, 05:57 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2003
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Backinthesaddle HB User
Re: No compassion from spouse

It is really tough for men to understand. Remember men are fixers and they cannot fix this so they feel helpless as well. I used to blame my husband in the same way you are and think he didn't care and wasn't helping me. Then my bestfriend, who may I add was also tired of my moaning and complaining, told me that "I am not the same women my husband married, he married a strong women who would not let anything get in my way". She was right. I spent days weeks years thinking my husband has changed. He has, and so have I. When I took the time to really let her hurtful yet honest comments sink in I changed. I now do not complain much to him, I do as much as I can and leave him a nice note to ask for help. I am not angry anymore at him. It isn't his fault. Plus my dh also had a bad accident that he has aches and pains over so he too needs some compassion. I work fulltime and take care of my 2.5 yr old on all my time off. I do housework, laundry, grocery shopping, yardwork, cooking and take care of horses and do the best I can to take care of myself. I say this not to sound pompus but to tell you I too laid on the sofa, I too moaned and groaned in pain. I had years of pain. I was just recently diagnosed with FMS. I already was diagnosed with CPS. It is up to US to get up and get moving. I am a huge advocate of "EVEN THOUGH!" train of thought. Please try to let go of that anger for your dh. Treat him kind. Do something nice for him, like bake cookies or cakes. He will turn around for you. Do not complain to him anymore, call a family member or friend or come here. Do not push him away because of your pain. God knows I threatened divorce several times. But it was ME who was the person who changed the most. I now feel compassion for my dh and that the women he met and fell in love with is only a shell of that now. I work toward getting back as much as I can. You will have relief.

FMS is not a life sentence. But alot does have to do with your pain and feelings. Go seek medical and psychological help. Get the right doctor and right medicines. I came into work hurting so bad I could barely walk. After my medicines kicked in I am feeling great. Maybe I am just one of the lucky ones. Maybe I make myself go to much and I will again hit that wall. I know I will hit that wall again. But I see the light on the other side.

Old 02-11-2008, 10:56 AM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida, usa
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sweetjerseygirl HB User
Re: No compassion from spouse

Thank you so much. I know lately im having bad flare ups, i really have been in a lot of pain thats whats so frustrating to me, i keep waiting for him to hand me the money and say "honey go to the Doctor and get what you need." I just need a little relief, so being that im laid off from work and we lost our medical insurance, i have decieded to take my Jeep payment for the month and seek a doctor, if even for temporary relief. Anything right now, thats how bad its been. Im usually so independent, now i have to depend on him financilly, amoung other things for the moment, unemployment is out and finding work is a bad deal in this area right now, so i have to lean on him. I may be one for moaning at times but thats usually when it gets unbearable and my body is flinching. I can be fine one moment, talking with someone and next thing you know im flinching in pain. The usual response i get is whats wrong ? or are you ok ? and i find it to be embarrassing but i usually say im ok, it will pass in a min. Now when i do that in front of my husband, i expect a hug or a cup of tea. I drink a lot of herbal tea, it calms me, thats not a lot to ask. I dont feel like im blaming my husband but i did have to make a point of saying, I didnt ask for this, i just need some relief right now? And yes im angry but more angry about that part of it.

I just need to hear him say he understands because i dont feel like he does and i carry around this guilt all the time, do you know what a relief it would be to hear its ok that you cant do and or keep up with the things you used to. Even when i worked my twelve hr shifts and i pushed as hard as i can, problem is i cant push right now and i need his understanding of this. we cant talk, he usually says something dumb and i go off. What does this have to do with that ?

I believe that laying around with this condition is one of the worst things you can do and exercise, even if in small doses is good. A small walk is a great thing........I love it when i push really hard and get something accomplished, even if i pay for it later. Every once in awhile we need a little help, im not sleeping correctly, i tried to explain what that can do to you, to my hubby, im really really cranky, even he noticed i have no patience with our dogs, and i asked him why do u think that is ? The one thing i find myself saying over and over is i need some relief. So off i go right now in hopes of getting some of the meds that were orginally prescribed to me for the relief im needing.

I think it was really kind of you to take the time to write to me. Im so happy you realized a lot of things and you sure do a lot for someone with this condition, bless you, your not pompous at all, be proud.

After spending almost all day crying yesterday, i found this site last night and your right i will try to leave most of the complaining else where but i still think i need a little from hubby, do u still think im wrong ? I would appreciate your honesty once more.

Last edited by moderator2; 02-11-2008 at 11:46 AM.

Old 02-11-2008, 02:29 PM   #4
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: MI
Posts: 74
kate26444 HB User
Re: No compassion from spouse

Backinthesaddle...what did you find works for you? What medications do you take for your fibro? I'm so lucky that I have a dh who understands my pain. I'm 51 now and have suffered for our whole marriage with this stuff. He knows when I'm in a flare to just leave me alone. I don't feel like talking or doing anything. But, if he comes into the bedroom to check on me and asks if I need anything, I always ask for a hug and kiss. He suffers with chronic pain in his cervical spine too and knows how bad I hurt. When I go into a flare, I've been lucky that they don't last that long. Don't get me wrong...I have pain every day but the unbearable, all over aching pain that hits, doesn't last longer than a week. During that time when I'm home from work, I always make sure the house is picked up, I have some kind of dinner ready for him, and I bake something. You can always make your hubby happy with cookies or cake...that is so true. Doing those things make me feel better too. It gets me up off the couch and keeps depression away. At least I feel like I've accomplished something.

Did you ever consider taking your husband with you the next time you have a doctor's appointment? I often take my dh with me for appointments so that he can give his side of the story about how I'm feeling. It seems to help convince the doctor just how bad my pain really is. Who better than someone who lives with you and experiences what you're going through.

When I'm feeling really achy and depressed, I take my cup of tea and run a nice hot bath with my favorite Bath & Body works stuff, and soak for awhile. It always make me feel good...if even for a little while. Then I do my hair and put on a bit of make-up and put on my favorite lounging outfit. You'd be amazed how happy it makes my hubby to see me looking better...and it makes me happy too. Good luck with everything and remember the next time your dh asks what he can do for you....ask for a hug & kiss. It really works! Kate

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