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    Old 04-14-2022, 07:24 PM   #1
    Raetheday's Avatar
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    Raetheday HB User
    Question I need advice, or help, or something like that...

    After having given birth two years ago I started developing the most horrible pain in my knees and my thigh. After three specialist, tons of scans and questions and getting zero answers they accidentally found a mass growing in my femur. It's 10cm,which is definitely on the large side. After more tests they still don't know what it really is other than the general term mass, they don't have any answers for me and it took seven months of being confined to my bed unable to walk for a doctor to finally begin to treat my pain. Which she made me feel like every doctor before her was wrong NOT to help me because as she said "bone pain like yours is truly one of the worst pains."
    I thought okay things will start improving now, boy was I wrong. First this doctor ended up leaving her practice, so I was told to go to a new doctor who took me off the one medication that was working and that left me back on a walker being half alive and truly becoming mean because the pain just left me so defeated. After being off my pain patches for three months I was informed that my previous doctor was with a new practice and would be willing to help me again. Only this time giving me 1/4 the dose I was on. Which honestly I felt I shouldn't complain, she's willing to help so that's a big plus. First month was good, not great but I thought okay, maybe I can manage. Then this month all the sudden my insurance didn't cover my medication, this had happened before I ended up paying out of pocket, which I can't work because of my pain so money is bad, plus I have a two year old so yeah real bad, but I managed to make it work. So my fiance just said, look we will pay for it now and get this figured out. So we did, not thinking anything other than man we need this to be fixed. Two days later my doctor called to set up a sudden appointment, I had assumed she had received my most recent MRI so without much thought went to my appointment.
    This is when hell opened up and swallowed me whole. It was the day before my birthday and I walk into her office have to wait two hours to be seen and the minute she walks in the room I knew something was not right. Accto her, because I paid for my medication out of pocket she would now be taking me off the only medication that midly helps. Because and I am quoting her, ""normal" people would not pay for their perscibed medications, they would willing go through withdrawals"". I don't know who these people are, but why would anyone do that to themselves? She then goes on to say that she believes my doctors are" slow" to help me is because I'm (aggressively annoying). I have terrible anxiety, PTSD and depression I'm the kind of person who tries to take care of issues, tasks and generally everything I can so I don't stress over it to the point of sleeplessness and generally not being able to stop thinking about it. I have not once in my life been told this trait was annoying, it's a coping mechanism. And then she kept talking because clearly my shock, feeling of defeat and uncontrollable tears clearly meant she hadn't yet broken me... She then said that I am the worst kind of victim because my entire personality screams victim especially my tears. (it should be known I cry often, I hate it. It makes me feel and look weak when I cry from anger. I hate my daughter seeing me cry from the chronic cruel pain and I even cry at cute videos of people being kind to each other. I have always been this way, of I could not cry ever again believe me I'd 100% do that). So after that she ended the torture session with comparing me to a patient she had earlier that day who she said was mean and yet she refused to up her medication dose even though she's in pain and she actually respected her. Clearly stating she has 0 respect for me. And ended the whole thing by telling me she had a patient similar to my situation who was on pain medication and well she is probably dead now.
    I know I'm a bit of a soft person especially when I don't see an attack to my entire body coming. Yes she broke me into pieces, offered no remorse, help or kindness at all and managed to make me hate every thing that has happen in my life in the past year and a half and more made me hate the person I am now. Considering my daughter would be better off being raised with me out of her life because I sound terribly toxic.
    I'm trying to set up an appointment with my specialist, to see if she can add in her notes that with my situation, my condition I should definitely be taking the medication that this lady has been perscibing me. And I have to pray that will tempt her into consideration to continue to treat me with the medication she had no problem giving me to the month before.

    I'm not making anything up, this is all facts and I'm still struggling to understand how me paying for my prescription medications that she wrote for me to take means I should no longer be allowed pain relief.

    Now here is where I'm hoping for advice, about five years or more ago I used to smoke marijuana. It helped with my insomnia, my PTSD, my anexity and depression. It also helped my migraines that I've suffered from since the age of ten. I stopped smoking due to a change in address, life and such but now with everything thays been happening and the fact I can't have my emotional issues treated with medications because my pain treatment, I'm really truly considering trying to smoke again instead. I've never failed a mandatory drug screening but if I were to smoke I would definitely not pass. But I'm also the kind of person who'd be honest about me smoking in the first place. So I'd lose any help with pain management. I also do not know if it would actually help my pain, if it even just helped me cope with the pain I still think I'd be better off than where I'm at right now.
    There are definitely risks, and I'm trying to be rational and logical about my next move. Will it benefit me, would I mess up even more. What of it actually helped more than the medication I'm in now that I could very well be removed from next month.
    Help, advice? Any kind of knowledge about this or shared experience? Please, I'm desperate and hate not knowing what I should do next.

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    marijuana, pain, pain medicine

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