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Help for my mum who is clearly very unwell but wont take help

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Old 12-28-2004, 08:27 AM   #1
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mrtrotty HB User
Help for my mum who is clearly very unwell but wont take help

Please, I would like some advice on the health of my mother

Age: 60, lives in southern Uk with my father (64)
Health: clinically obese, smoker, diabetes, not mobile and cannot stand or walk for long at all. Dependent on alcohol, and drinks large quantities of gin / beer generally in the evening

Tendency to be unstable, had a nervous breakdown after giving birth to me (35 years ago), had ECT treatment but never sure if this helped or solved her problems.

Has just "come out" that she was sexually abused but a family / close friend member at the age of 8, over a period of time. The person is still alive and part of our network, but of course my mother has not seen the person for some considerable time.

We have noticed my mother has got worse over the past 6 years or so, first by gaining a large amount of weight and cutting herself off more from the world. Since she retired from work 3 years ago things have got even worse and she is drinking heavily in the evening (never admitted to me and my sister) but my dad sees it all. She also has diabetes but she doesn’t seem to worry about what the drink could do on top of the diabetes.

She is not washing, dressing or looking after herself pretty much every day.

Problem is that she puts on a very brave face to all around her (apart from my Dad) so she is pretending to the world about how she really feels. She also gets quite aggressive to anyone who tries to talk to her about her problems or how she feels, so generally everyone avoids the subject for the sake of a peaceful life. In the meantime, Mum gets more unwell, day by day.

So how do we get around that ??

My Dad is at the end of his tether and he is going through mental torment from my mother, who is mentally abusing him after she has had a drink or two. He has spent many a night sleeping in the car to avoid more grief. We know it is due to her problems but she will not seek help or let anyone seek help for her. Doctors have told us that it must come from her.

The last 3/4 days have not been good and she has been in bed for all of them, complaining of some back and side pain that she cannot get rid of. Doc says she should seek further medical advice but mother won’t accept this and just lies in bed.

We don’t know what to do.... do we let her just carry on which is certain to lead to an early grave! - Doctors say they cannot do anything unless my mother asks for it.... Its all-quite ridiculous...but we don’t have the answers.

Dad is a nervous wreck and I also fear for his health. He would genuinely leave her tomorrow if he could but he has no-where to go. He is lost, confused and unhappy.... that goes for my mum too.

Can anyone help in knowing what are our possibilities? Could we force her to seek medical treatment, or does anyone know a support group in the UK that might be useful for my Dad.

All help would be greatly appreciated

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Old 12-28-2004, 11:05 AM   #2
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Re: Help for my mum who is clearly very unwell but wont take help

I do not know how/what is o.k. in the UK, but if your mom is not mentally capable of taking care of herself, the courts might appoint a guardian. The guardian then would legally have the power to take her to a doctor or hospital for proper medical care whether she agreed or not. In other words, she could be hauled off to proper place for care.

She needs professional care.

Old 12-28-2004, 12:46 PM   #3
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Re: Help for my mum who is clearly very unwell but wont take help

HIya mrtrotty,

I am not a medical doctor and therefore only give my own thoughts on your situation.

I agree with the previous reply. I do in fact live in the UK and know that if a person is mentally unable to make a decision for themselves (in your Mum's case because of her alcohol intake) or you actually think they are a danger to themselves or others (your Father mainly) you can ask her GP to take the appropriate steps to get your Mum sectioned. Having a problem with alcohol is a disease, and unless something is done by the GP and mental health agencies, it can lead to her eventual demise.

It sounds very cruel, but for her own sake and so importantly for the sake of your Father, I think it is something you should seriously consider. You obviously love your parents very much, and this is something that you need to discuss with other members of your family, but I feel it will be the best course of action in the long run.

I do so hope that your family situation improves for your parents and yourself.

Best regards


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