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Light at the end of a desperate time.

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Old 02-10-2018, 10:41 PM   #1
pain buddy
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Light at the end of a desperate time.

Hi everyone.
My mum passed away at the end of October 2017 unexpectedly.
She was having trouble breathing and she begged me not to call the ambulance.
Begged me so much we were both in tears.
Eventually she gave in and she was taken in with a chest infection only to find out she was riddled with cancer and there was nothing they could do.
Mum was given 3 months and we set up all the end of life care but the day before she was due out she took a turn for the worst and passed away after 2 weeks in hospital.
I blamed myself for getting her into hospital and have questioned my actions a million times.

Would she have lasted longer being at home?
Did she know she was ill thatís why she didnít want to go in?
She was a nurse in her younger days so I expect she knew something wasnít right.
I didnít cope very well and sort medical help to stabilise my emotions.
A few weeks ago it suddenly accured to me that Mum would have been so upset seeing me in this state that I came off anti- depressants and also felt so selfish as my husband lost his dad a few months ago too and I was just dumping all my sadness onto him.
So I am off medical help and doing pretty well.
I have my good and bad days but control my bad days a lot better and try not to get upset in front of my husband.
Now I am at the stage where I am glad she went when she did.
She would have hated being at home bed ridden and in pain 24/7.
Watching her deteriorate everyday would have been devastating for both of us.
Itís not easy.
She is the bravest woman I know
Every day I miss her so much.

Thank you for reading.

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Machaon (02-11-2018)
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Old 02-11-2018, 10:28 AM   #2
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Re: Light at the end of a desperate time.

Deepest condolences to you and your husband! I can understand exactly your feelings, guilt and resolve.
I wish you continued healing.

It's all a matter of perspective!
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