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    Old 06-10-2019, 06:51 AM   #1
    star78
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    So sad

    A week ago, when I visited my grandmother in the hospital, she was yellow, her voice had faded almost to the point of whispering, and she was noticeably thin but still smiling and commenting on the things she wanted to do when she came home. I had completely lost it upon leaving her room bc I knew she was very sick. I said to my family, "She's dying and unless something changes really quick, we're going to lose her. Several days later (last Tuesday) she had the biopsy. They said she had done well with the short procedure.

    Two days later, this past Thursday, my mom noted that she was complaining more about pain.

    Her urine had been coming out very dark for over a week. Although she wasn't eating and barely drinking, she had multiple loose bowel movements that day. She was supposed to come home but the doctor said her kidney numbers were elevated again and she could have a possible UTI infection. She said she wanted to send her home knowing she's "going in the right direction" so she had to stay there to get more fluids and start on an antibiotic. When they checked my grandmother, they noticed she wasn't urinating and drained liters of urine from her using a catheter. The doc told us not to worry bc with an infection, these things sometimes happen.

    On Friday, my grandmother was noticeably agitated, had trouble getting out words... literally choking on her words. Later that night, she managed to whisper to my mom, "help me" and then went to sleep shortly after. On Sat morning, my mom said out of nowhere, with a strong voice, my grandmother threw up her arms and yelled out, "Lord, take me. Lord let me know when." It was the first time in two weeks that her voice sound almost normal. My mom was distraught and told the doctor she wanted to bring her home. She said, "I don't want my mom to die in this hospital". My mom was with her day and night since the first day she went into the hospital and had spent the night there for the last 6 nights. They got her discharge papers but odd enough, when my mom told my grandmother that she was taking her home, my grandmother said there times, "Leave me alone". My mom explained to her that whatever God's plan is, "I am taking you home bc that's your house that you love" and my grandmother said, "okay".

    She came home Sat afternoon and I said hello to her but she didn't look at me. I could tell she was struggling. She was almost panting and it looked like she could barely breathe. My mom and Uncle had her lay down in her bed on her side and she fell asleep. Around 5am in the morning, when my uncle went to check on her, he noticed she wasn't moving and it was confirmed she had passed away.

    I am a young wife and mom of three teenage kids but I don't think I'm going to get through this one. I lived with my grandmother in our family home ever since birth. Everyday she comes in my apt, gives me the mail, and we talk and laugh. In the afternoons, I sometimes go and watch TV with her. Every night, I put her eyedrops in her eyes. Throughout the week, she cooks meals for the family which is something she loves to do. She has shown unconditional love to us all. She is the most selfless person I have ever known.... always giving to others and asking nothing in return. I can't see life without her in it and I'm struggling really really bad.

    I keep thinking about the second day when she was in the hospital, which was on a Monday, and she asked me when was May 23rd bc she had a bill to pay. When I told her it was on a Thurs, she replied, "Oh, I'll be home by then". I keep thinking about the day she told me she wanted to come home bc she couldn't take it there anymore. She said she would start eating when she came home bc the hospital food was "nasty, nasty, nasty" but my mom knew this wasn't true bc she would bring her homemade meals and she still didn't want to eat. She had 10 small bottles of water in her room on that day bc she wasn't drinking as she should. In hindsight, my grandmother stopped eating as she should months ago. She would knit pick when eating and over the last month prior to going to the hospital, I noticed she wasn't eating solid foods as much and would eat very little. She was also noticeably tired a lot and complained about having to belch a lot/gas.

    So many questions are in my head such as ,"Should we have taken her out the hospital sooner...What if we had her go to a different hospital... What if she didn't have the biopsy" etc and it's killing me. I feel like we failed her. When she spent several days in the hospital the first time, we were so happy when she got out and thought everything was going to be okay. She was walking around in her home, although weak and tired, and trying to drink more water . When we got the call a few days later that her liver enzymes were worse, I knew to myself that something was really wrong and cried watching her leave again for the hospital.

    Anyway, I'm just typing out my thoughts bc I'm filled with grief and just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't see how I can move on without her physically here with us. I'm so broken.

    Last edited by Administrator; 06-10-2019 at 09:33 AM.

     
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    Old 06-10-2019, 09:54 AM   #2
    rosequartz
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    Re: So sad

    I'm so very sorry for your loss of your grandmother. You didn't fail her.....please don't let thoughts like that burden you. Your grandmother knew you loved her, you showed her all the time.

     
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