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  • MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

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    Old 05-11-2006, 09:24 PM   #1
    curlew
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    MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    I'm not sure where to start. Firstly, my sister and her husband have been living in a country town for the past year. They were coming back for 2 weeks for a holiday. A week before they were due back, my mum was informed her mother was dying. She died 2 days before my sister arrived.
    To cut a long story short, my sister picked a fight with my mum the first day she was back. She said the most horrible, nasty, cruel things showing no compassion. My mum had said nothing wrong.
    My mum arranged the funeral time to suit everyone (it was only a small gathering).

    My sister had said that her and her husband had booked a flight to Sydney the same day as the funeral, but would be going to the funeral as their flight was at night.

    They were staying with his parents (a couple of blocks from us) and would not contact mum and I after the fight. When I would phone, her smartalec husband would say she doesn't want to talk to me. Days went by until the day of the funeral. On the way, I decided to phone his parents house. His mother answered and said they were on their way to the airport. I asked what time their flight was and she said midday. The funeral was at 11:30.

    I wondered if she mistakenly thought the flight was at night and told her husband the time of the funeral and he said - No, the flight is at midday. And she ended up picking a fight with mum to get out of messing up their travel plans and not upset her husband.

    My mum has been a bit of a difficult person sometimes, but nothing deserving of this treatment.

    Also, she didn't care less about my Grandmother.
    With all that going on, we still had a lovely service.
    Thank you for any advice.

     
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    Old 05-13-2006, 09:10 AM   #2
    rw82
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    It is so sad how families can become when you really need them most. Believe me I know !! I didn't speak to my sister for almost two years.

    Just be there for your mom and try not to stress over how your sister acted, she probably isn't. You were there and that's what counts.

    Take care

     
    Old 05-13-2006, 08:00 PM   #3
    kpoe
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    Weddings and funerals bring out the best and/or the worst in people. No matter what the issues are with your mum, no one desrves harsh treatment, especially during times of death. I agree with the above -what counts is that you conducted yourself appropriately.

    Try to give-up on the idea that you can somehow talk sense into your sister to change her behavior. You have no control over what she thinks or how she behaves. No matter how much you try to reason or rationalize with her, at the end of the day, she is the only one who can control her own behavior. And that should be on her conscience, not yours.

    You did very well at attempting to reason, but she declined to work it out. She now owns that behavior.

     
    Old 05-13-2006, 08:53 PM   #4
    curlew
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    Yes, you are both right. I did what I could for my Mum and I cannot control my sister's contemptable behaviour.
    Thank you both for your advice.

     
    Old 10-27-2006, 06:32 PM   #5
    susan kay
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    hi i have a question how do i get past the fact that while my sister was here for moms funeral she left with more than what she came with? i know its just stuff but its moms stuff i have a hard time even going in moms room let alone rummaging through her things. am i being silly? she lives in cail. and i am here next door so what do yall think ? thanks susan kay

     
    Old 10-28-2006, 08:11 AM   #6
    rw82
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    You are not being silly. You are trying to grieve for your mom. I completely understand how you feel. I never went back inside my mom's home (and it was sold shortly after her death). I live out of state so I came back home until the day of the funeral, two days later. That was almost 11 years ago now.

    The only thing I brought home with me was the tweety bird blanket that I had given mama in the hospital for a Christmas present. Mama loved tweety bird and she was using the blanket when she died at the hospital. My first reaction was I can't take this, someone else can have it. Thank Goodness my husband encouraged me to keep it. It was something special to mama and the only Christmas gift she received that Christmas.

    Maybe your sister was able to go through your mom's things so quickly because she lived out of state. But I like you, would not have been able to for some time.

    Everyone handles the loss of a loved one differently. You will go through so many, many feelings at this time. Try not to let your sister's actions burden you, for whatever reason she has already taken some of your mom's things.

    Take care Susan,
    Anna

     
    Old 11-16-2006, 07:39 PM   #7
    susan kay
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    hi my sister called me yesterday for my birthday SHE EVEN HAS MOMS MOTHERS RING SHE DIDNT EVEN ASK ANYOF US ME OR RANDY IF WE WANTED TO KEEP IT HERE. SHE TOOK MOMS MOTHERS RING AND DIDNT EVEN ASK!!!!!!!!!. SHE HAS SOME OF MOMS CLOTHES WHICH IS FINE WITH ME BECAUSE I AM A SIZE 10 AND SHE IS IN WELL ITS IN THE 20'S THATS ALL I KNOW BUT SHE TOOK MOMS MOTHERS RING. I KNOW LET IT GO BUT GOOD GRIVE SHE DIDNT EVEN ASK. SUSAN KAY

     
    Old 11-17-2006, 06:31 PM   #8
    kathryn+2
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    That's one of the hard parts about dealing with the death of a parent. Who gets what etc....somehow my sister -in law ended up with my moms diamond engagement ring... at first that bothered me ,not because it was a diamond ...i'm probably one of those few women out there that doesn't even like diamonds...but it did bother me because my mom wore it all the time and it was something meaningfull to my mom.. I have my moms gold band that i wear next to my own ..so at least I have that. When it came time to divide up the stuff ..and it took me 2mos before I could even walk into my moms house....I really didn't care about most of it. I wanted the spode dishes handed down from my grandmother ,and a few other family antiques,but that was it. One thing I never would have done though is take something without clearing it with my brother first. I can understand your sister wanting to take some things back with her as she lives so far away..but not checking with you first doesn't seem right to me. I know I really hated all the who gets what "stuff'. All i wanted to do was grieve without all those other emotions coming up like anger and resentment...it's rough,and does take a toll.( i also lost weight (20lbs) without even realizing it.) Here's something my mom liked to say that i've made my own mantra ...."this too shall pass"..hang in there.

     
    Old 11-19-2006, 04:26 AM   #9
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    Susan Kay,

    We all have family members that shows there true colors when something like this happens. They will be greedy ones too. What goes around comes around is what I have always been taught by my Mama and Daddy. Try not to worry. It will just make you sicker hun. I've been thru some of the same things with my sister. My Mom was still alive and the day that my Mom passed away, My sister asked me if she could have my Mama's perfume. I couldn't believe it because my Mother was still a live at the time.

    Jan

     
    Old 11-19-2006, 08:28 PM   #10
    susan kay
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    my dad had my aunt [moms closest sister come and get her clothes today. thank goodness i was at work daddy told me to get what sweters i wanted so i got 3 a pink one and off white one with red on the pockets and a solid red one .daddy says the rest will stay as is for now like the jewerly and her t.v. vcr. stuff like that .so that is fine with me you know i just dont feel like fighting over monatary stuff . i wish i had moms bed but he will probly never move that out and i wouldnt even think about asking i think that would not be very nice at all. kathryn as i told cap city girl i met a nurse that was in moms room the moment she passed to heaven she just hugged me and was so nice she told me mom didnt feel a thing . i was going to break and she saw me and i spoke to her and she ask my name and my moms name and told me she was there and she made me feel better. i told her i didnt get to say good by and she said i know you were in your hospital room to werent you i said yes mam i was . she was so very nice i told her thank you and just hugged her and she told me to call dr. mike because i wasnt ant better much . i told her i would. i think god put her there right in produce for me to see her at that moment. write me back yall are such a help to me. o.h. kathryn daddy keeps yelling at me telling me i am looking on the neg allthe time last night i told him daddy i love you but i got to go to my house you are getting on my last real nerve and you got to stop yelling at me it is just us and i do love you but i got to go now you are really getting on my nerves he says love you to by and i says by then when i got home from work today we went church and he showed me a drawing for my plant stand i want so we are going to build it tues. when i am off. and he is going to buy me my very on cordless drill for christmas he wont let me touch his. it is an 18 volt he says its got to much power for you girl i says i want my on drill he says i dont know [ that means yes.]my dad i love him to peices but he gets on my neres some times hes a hoot and a half.!!!!!!!! susan kay

     
    Old 01-12-2007, 09:53 PM   #11
    missbluesky
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    Dear Susan Kay,

    I joined this forum just now and found this post so relevant for me, as I lost my own mother back in July and have had to deal with something so similiar.

    As shocking as the death was for me, it is like salt in the wound when family members - especially a sister - do not show love and support, but rather bicker over finances and material things.

    It has been 6 months now and I am finding the pain subsides more slowly when not having a sister behave as one would expect. No pain can hurt more than this. I am so sad this has happened to you, as well. I do not know how to make it better for you...but only to say that I know your pain and it is so very unbelievable to anyone who has never been through this.

    We like to think that a death in the family -- especially a mother -- will bring out all the love and support and caring altruism one could imagine in the siblings. I have learned this is not so and nothing but time, faith and hopefully other ones close at hand may even begin to approach filling the void these others left unanswered.

    Hoping it is getting better for you with some time. I hope you will let us know how things are progressing. It helps to talk it out.

     
    Old 01-13-2007, 10:34 AM   #12
    shorti
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    hey everyone,
    i understand how everyone feels when it comes to people taking things. my mum passed away nearly 2 years ago. my aunty and her husband were executors of her will. they sold the house and took $170,000 australian dollars. my parents divorced 10 years ago. dad told mum to keep the house with us kids living there and he will continue to work and pay for the morgage. mum was an alcoholic so she was easlily led down the garden path. her sister and father said sell up and move closer to us so mum did. mum didnt work as she was a stay at home mum. dad got custody of us kids back because mum was drink driving a lot and he didnt want us in the car with her. therefore mum wasnt receiving child support or governement help for us kids as we were no longer living there. my uncle who is a businessman with lots of money paid for the rest of the morgage. so now they think the house is theirs. they took my dad to court in the 1st place over the divorce yet they want money for the expense of that concidering they paid for it. they initiated everything yet they want their money back. if only they did what my dad planned, that is mum continue to live in the house that they bought together during their marriage and dad to keep paying for it, then none of this would of happened. its like the pokies, if u take a gamble in life and loose then bad luck. y should my brothers and sister and i have to pay for it all in the end. tomorrow on the 14th jan, its the 2nd year anniversary of their only sons death. im not going to contact them. they should know what its like to lose a loved one. we went to the cementry recently to pick up mums ashes. they were going to bury her without us being there. she was to go in with her grandparents and her father (who is still alive) but her father is also a person who pocketed out of my mums house so there is no way im going to have her be with these people. so i took the ashes without them knowing. they plan on burrying her soon and i know they will go to the cementry and she wont be there and ill be abused. these people care about noone but themselves. 2 days after my mum died my aunty went thru mums jewlery and took my great grandmothers engagment ring. these people make me sick. sorry to ramble on but im just angry and upset.

     
    Old 01-14-2007, 12:29 AM   #13
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    Re: MY HORRIBLE SISTER - Advice please

    Susan,

    One day I was in the bedroom where all of my Mom's stuff was at and my sister came in. I was telling my sister that I was going to make a wall of my Mom and Dad's stuff. I have their marriage licenses, my Dad's Army papers and little plaques that me and my sister Judy had bought for my Mom and when my sister Jackie seen that stuff, everthing I picked up she said, "Oh, I think I bought Mama that." I said well you might of bought it, but I am gonna make a wall of nothing but Mama and Daddies stuff on that wall and she stopped right there. But seem my sister Jackie was never around when my Mom and Dad was a love and didn't even call them and she didn't live 15 minutes away from them. My Mama told me that when she died, that her Diamond Wedding Band went to me and that if I wanted to give Jackie anything to give her her Mother's ring so there is a stone missing out of it and I'm gonna get it fixed and I wil give that to my sister. But she didn't wait until my mama died until she asked for her perfume. Can you believe that. They can show there true colors when something like this happens. But my sister knows she can't bully me that I will get back with her.

     
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