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Ex Lover has committed suicide

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Old 10-02-2006, 02:50 PM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: United Kingdom, Cumbria
Posts: 3
landygirl HB User
Ex Lover has committed suicide

This is not an easy thing to discuss but am struggling to find anyone I can talk to.
I have been married 26 years am now 45 yrs old and lots of years ago I had a three year affair with a local unmarried man. This ended 16 years ago and I have been happy and faithful every since.
My husband has always been ok about the affair and is very understanding and bears no malice at all.
I live in a very small village so everyone knew about the affair at the time but it is so long ago most people had forgotten and quite a few of my friends now didn't live here then so know nothing.
My lover was a farmer who have lonely lives at best of times and just over a year ago his mother died leaving him on his own for first time ever, he wasn't a mummies boy and its normal for unmarried farmers to live with parents.
Once I finished the affair all those years ago it was finished although he made if clear to me on rare occasion we met and talked that he would have me back anytime but I had made my choice and stuck to my decision.
I hadn't spoken to him one to one for over year although in a small village we met and passed time of day occasionally.
A week ago he took an overdose and was found dead the next day.
The whole village is in shock and horrified as no one knew he was suffering that much alhgouth he had told a friend of mine he was lonely.
My lovely husband has said I can talk to him about anyting to do with the affair but feel I can't. I have one friend who I can talk to but most of my friends don't know about us.
I have had some very weird conversation this last week with friends asking " did I know the dead farmer?" I say yes and how awful and change the subject but I am sure one of them is likely to be told the history at some point. the people who know about us don't mention his death at all.
I am going to the funeral with my friend who has been wonderful and am dreading it.
HOw do you cope with the guilt even though I was the last person who could have helped him and the selfish feeling that he has left me even though I had ended the affair all those years ago.
Any advice gratefully received!

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Old 10-03-2006, 05:45 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,335
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Ex Lover has committed suicide

There are so many things I want to express to you, but am finding a hard time finding the words...
Most of all I want to pay my respects to a woman whose feelings were deep & forever for someone who they had the wisdom to leave in the past.
I've been there. It is a hard place to be. To love someone knowing you cannot be with them. Making that choice.
You had no way that I could see to know what was going on with him. While I understand survivor's guilt I have to caution you about thinking you could have done something.
There are some corner's in life that you can't see around.
And please don't feel selfish for feeling like he left you.

Two years ago I sat at the funeral of a man I had lived with for 3 yrs. He basically died of self-neglect. Suicide by a life of drugs/drinking/smoking.
He was only 48. I sat there in my black suit, holding the turquoise cross they gave me that I had given him 30 yrs before. I couldn't believe he was gone even though I knew we couldn't be together. I felt like an ex-wife.

Never underestimate the bond that you have with someone. I am still unable to look at the same way at the world without John in it.
It takes nothing away from our husbands. It is a feeling & a bond not unlike the one we share with parents and siblings. It just is.

I don't know if this makes sense, I was going to come back and try to write more later instead of all of this pouring out.
I DO understand. I still feel this need to talk about him with someone, and there is no one.

Old 10-05-2006, 02:25 AM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: United Kingdom, Cumbria
Posts: 3
landygirl HB User
Re: Ex Lover has committed suicide

Ruth thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply and explain and it is wonderful to find someone who knows what it is like and what I am feeling.

I appreciate I may not get many replies as people will judge me or not know what to say.

I found out a few days ago he slashed his wrists which was like another huge shock as taking an overdose is a much gentler way to death but cutting your wrists is another thing altogether.

I have the funeral tomorrow and just don't know how I will get through. I was so much a part of him and yet will have no contact with his family. I wrote to his sister, saying she had been friendly to me all those years ago and how devastated I was as she must be - kept it short.

My lovely husband is being so understanding and he himself says he feels very sorry for him as he must have been so lonely etc to do this.

Old 10-06-2006, 03:30 AM   #4
Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: uk
Posts: 14
odina HB User
Re: Ex Lover has committed suicide

Hi Landygirl,
I guess you probally haven't had many replies due to your situation being quite an unusual...I suppose people just would not be sure of how to advise you.

I hope you are ok today during the funeral. It must be a heartbreaking situation to be in. My thoughts are with you.


Old 10-06-2006, 02:15 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,335
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Ex Lover has committed suicide

Landy, do let us know how you're doing, ok?'
It's kind of like sitting on a park bench here... You can talk to whoever sits down beside you.
(I'm already sitting down....)

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