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How do I learn to grieve? Anyone with any advice please help.

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Old 02-10-2007, 07:43 PM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Davis, Ca, USA
Posts: 6
mugz99 HB User
How do I learn to grieve? Anyone with any advice please help.

I'm new to the board and I have basically one question. But first, I guess I should give a little back ground. A few years ago my finacee was killed by a drunk driver. My initial response to the news was to blurt out "WHAT!" and then a groan. I new what it meant in an instant. There was no denial, bargaining, or anger. I understood the gravity of what had happened instantly. I thought I should cry, so I tried but it wasn't geniune, it was forced. The next few days were spent in a haze. I didn't really talk to anyone but wanted someone to hug me. But there was no one around. The only person I had ever confided in was gone, so basically the one person I felt comfortable venting to was the person I needed to vent about. I was alone in every way. My family and her family all tried helping me, so I had support all around me, but I didn't allow them to help. Then I was given the information by one of her best friends that my fiancee had cheated on me a few years back. But she also conveyed how Robin was distraught over having made a rash drunk decision. I wasn't mad at all, but I was resentful. I was torn between two emotions, betrayal and loss. After that I felt as though the grieving process was tainted. To be honest I don't know if I went through a grieving process and thats why I'm here now. I never passed through the stages of anger or depression. I simply took to drinking like a fish and using cocaine. I was never non-functional, I worked nearly full-time and managed to graduate college with a degree in Neurobiology. I would tell my story at times not for sympathy but rather to provoke a response in the other person. People would cry over my pain. I found it ironic that uninvolved people hurt more than me, the person most closely involved.

Now to my question. I have overcome my substance abuse and believe myself to be a functioning member of society. But now when I think about Robin I feel nothing at all. Slowly, I believe I went through a process of dissociation with the incident. I was at her grave recently and was alarmed at my total lack of emotion. And looking at my life now I see a pattern where I only become involved with emotionally shallow, niave, or distant women. I think to myself I wish I could love as pure and strong as I did with Robin, but always find myself with women that will never happen with. The pattern of my life has been defined by pain ever since day one of my existence. For brevity I will only mention I had a broken home and won't go into detail. So I inutitively an appreciation for overcoming difficult situations and making a better life for myself. So now that I recognize the pattern in my life, I'm hoping someone out there will show me what I need to do in order to feel the pain of loss so that I can cope with. And hopefully that will be the key to stopping my cycle of meaningless relationships. How do I find the pain I missed and bring it back so I have a chance to cope naturally. I want to thank anyone who has ANY input at all. I'm looking to the people on this board for help. And if there is anything I can do in return for anyone which would aid in their grieving process, I say with complete sincereity, all you need to do is ask. I will do everything I can. Thank you again, if for nothing else but for you silent concern.

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Old 02-11-2007, 03:53 PM   #2
susan kay
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Haughton La.
Posts: 300
susan kay HB User
Re: How do I learn to grieve? Anyone with any advice please help.

hi this is susan kay dont you see it ?you did greive you went through the haze of not beleiving it yes you knew she wasnt coming back but still some one hugging you was a comfort. you went through the mad part of it because you found out somthing that hurt. then the part of shutting down and dening / hiding / trying not to hurt by the drugs. so you did all of the greving stuff when i go see mom at her grave i try to tell her about my day and how we are doing and even though we didnt see eye to eye most of the time i still love her because she was mom so i say hi mom love you and i tell her about my day and any thing else that moght have happened i just sit there and talk until i cant think of any thing else to tell will be 5 months on the 28th. i go [see] her every week. it makes me feel better. so you did greive you just didnt know it. hope you feel better. susan kay

Old 02-12-2007, 04:13 AM   #3
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,260
Re: How do I learn to grieve? Anyone with any advice please help.

good morning all------------mugz, susan is right. there are no right or wrong ways to grieve, very individual. When my daughter passed I went right back to work and functioned like a robot.People thought i was crazy and I guess at the time i was. it took me 10 months to realize that it was true,she really did die, and the day that I realized this, I drank almost an entire 30 pk. of beer and then took a sleeping pill as all i wanted to do was sleep. my youngest daughter and husband took me to the ER thinking I was trying to die. When i woke and talked to the dr. he understood that it all had just hit me . we talked endlessly about numbing the pain or grabbing it and dealing with it. I dealt with, but only in bits and pieces. through that time i had glimmers of her death. I am now just starting to get through it and it's almost 10 years. we all go through the fazes at a different time. The day my daughter passed i still think of why i wasn't throwing myslef on the floor screaming as most mothers would be. I disassociated and continued to for many years whenever her death was mentioned. I had to put so much distance between my mind and her death to even get close to acceptance. I wish you the best. it is a long , hard process but needs to be done your way.


Old 02-12-2007, 11:14 AM   #4
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: uk
Posts: 20
suziewoozie HB User
Re: How do I learn to grieve? Anyone with any advice please help.

grief is totally personal, and i believe youve been through a certain amount of it.
i think your recent relationships are a way of protecting yourself, and being in control of your love. you get with these women, who you know you have no future with, and that is easier to cope with. youve been terribly hurt, by first of all losing your fiancee, and then learning of her infidelity.
your initial reactions are down to shock (ahh, what a wonderful thing shock can be!)

you just have to be able to trust people enough, to let the right person in again. thats a tough one, because you couldnt get closure. you couldnt confront her about the infidelity which left so many questions unanswered i imagine.

im not an expert, but i have done my fair share of grieving, and although i cannot help you in any real way, i truly wish you the very best, and hope you can move on and enjoy life again, the way you deserve to.

and just a quick note, congratulations for conquering your dependencies. that really is commendable, and i can again empathise with you on a personal level.
big hugs for you, you sound like a lovely person

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