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Advice and Help Needed

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Old 05-13-2007, 07:51 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Oshkosh WI
Posts: 3
brewtown_ska HB User
Advice and Help Needed

Hello All!
I'm a 22-year-old student and I lost my mom when I was 10 from cancer. She had been sick for as long as I could remember. She had a masectomy when I was 5 and they missed some tumorous tissue that was in her lung which turned into lung cancer, then bone cancer, then brain tumors. I watched her fall apart at a very young age. I am an only child, so I have no siblings to turn to for support. My dad never remarried, and I havent had a strong female influence since my mom passed.

Recently, starting fall of 2005 all of those feelings about my mom started surfacing, however only when things werent going my way. If something was wrong all I could do was cry and think was how much I wanted my Mom there, especially with guy problems.

Now, I constantly miss my mom, especially after this recent breakup that i've had. The guy that broke up with me forced me to realize what Ive needed to change, and I don't know how to do it because this uncontrolable feeling towards my mom is in the way.

I've started to have a better relationship with my dad. Until this month, he knew nothing of my fears or hopes or what makes me so upset. But, i still cry almost daily about my mom. I miss her so much, and I feel like if she were here that I would know what to do. I want to miss my mom, yes, but i dont want to miss her to the point that its uncontrolable. And because I dont know how to fix that, I cant seem to tackle the other things that I want to change about myself.

Any advice would be extremely helpful

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Old 05-13-2007, 10:43 PM   #2
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1
rabbimarymac HB User
Re: Advice and Help Needed

Hi Megan. I'm new here too. This is actually my first post, but when I read your's I felt like it was me 13 years ago. My mother died from breast cancer when I was 14. I am now 35.

The best advice I can give you is to let yourself grieve. You have to remember, you were a child when your mom died. You grieved as a child or perhaps never really grieved at all. Now you're an adult with new understandings about life, and new experiences. It's totally natural that you would want guidance from the most influencial person in any woman's life; your mother. You are at an age where so much begins to happen. Changes and events that are exciting, scary, hurtful etc. You need to learn how to cope with her death in a whole new way and it won't be a fast lesson. Whatever else it is you need to work on just might need to wait for awhile until you can start dealing with your loss at a different level. I strongly suggest talking to a professional or joining a group if you haven't already. This forum is a great start!

I started therapy when I was around your age and it helped me a lot. I won't say it took my pain away but it helped me cope a little better. Every life-changing event I've had (major and minor) has reminded me of how much I miss my mother- graduations, breakups,getting married, trying to get pregnant (we had trouble), having my babies, and now parenting and knowing they will never meet her (here on earth at least ). It's hard and it sucks but it's a reality and you really do learn to deal with it.

I will never stop missing my mom. There will always be trials for me to bear where I will grieve her loss all over again. I will let myself grieve because it's what I need to do to get me through, and that's okay.
There is no time limit on grief and everyone is different. Find some help and let yourself miss her. It will not take over your life but help give you more control. Then you can focus on your other relationships. Perhaps your grief will help you figure out others issues in your life. I hope I helped you. Just know you're not alone and you are stronger than you probably realize. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

God bless,

Old 05-17-2007, 01:04 AM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 50
dallen4 HB User
Re: Advice and Help Needed

I know hearing advice from a man about things that only mothers know maybe be tough. But your Dad may be your best therapy. As a dad, I know that my daughter will always depend on her mother for women-only things. But as a dad, I do understand all that my daughter goes through as far as dating and relationships. I may never understand everything that a mother's wisdom can do for her daughter. But if you have a good father, which it sounds like you do, he can still help with some of those issues. My grandfather raised 5 women all by himself and they all have had long-lasting and happy marriages. Dads can still help with some of those tough issues that women have. He may never take the place of your mother as far as motherly advice, but he most likely does know what you are going through as a young woman. Dads do know what their daughters are going through not having a mother to lean on. He may never replace your mother, but he can help you more than you realize. I definitely feel for your loss and I hope you find the strength in your family to help you feel better. Your mother has it much better than the rest of us.

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