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My First Step-This Post

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Old 05-23-2007, 06:22 AM   #1
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Richmond, VA US
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Beck1Beck HB User
My First Step-This Post

Just found this forum. Seems like it might be a gift to me at a time when I desperately need it, so I'm going to try to make use of it. I'm afraid this is going to seem melodramatic but I'm starting to be really afraid of what's going to happen if I don't get a handle on this. So, here goes:

Oct, 2001 a near and dear one was killed in a car accident. He was truly one of my kids, even if I didn't give birth to him. I have not dealt well.

My grieving was mostly private, because Iím not one to wear my emotions in public and also because I was afraid that if I gave voice to my pain, I might start screaming and never be able to stop. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I just kept pulling back and trying to deal with that feeling in the pit of my stomach that felt like I was trying to hold the world upright using only my stomach muscles.

It's been over 5 years. Life goes on. I've lost a job, got another one, bought a house, fought with my husband, loved my daughter through her crises --all the normal everyday stuff and everybody thinks I'm fine.

Over the last couple of months, I've realized that I'm NOT so ok.

I've been down lately, just want to eat and sleep and could cry at any given moment. I'm the kind of person who tackles issues head on, so I started trying to be more aware of what's going on with me and this is what I've found:
I'm having dreams about him really often
I think about him several times a day
And that God awful feeling in the pit of my stomach is back, growing stronger every day.
I realize now that it's never completely gone away, which probably helps explain the 70+ lbs I've gained in the last 5 years, no matter what I tried to do about my weight.

So, anyway, this is what I'm facing right now. How in the world do I deal with an event that's 5 years old? Hopefully, writing about it will be the step that allows me to start to get a handle.

As I said, Iím usually tackle things head-on, so Iím trying to focus on some core beliefs:

1. Heís gone and wonít be back. I canít change that.
2. Its ok to be sad, but I canít let it continue to consume me. I have to make an effort to monitor what Iím feeling and try to deal with it honestly, instead of covering it up.
3. There comes a time when we either have to move forward, or fall down. Inertia is my greatest enemy. Get up and DO SOMETHING!

Writing this post is my first step. Itís taken me several days to finish it and get the courage to post it, but Iíve not given up.

I will be back.

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Old 05-23-2007, 06:46 AM   #2
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Re: My First Step-This Post

First - let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I'm glad you found this place, it's a great place for support. You ask how do you deal with something that's 5 yrs old. Maybe write a letter to your loved one telling him how much he meant to you and how much you miss him. Get it all off your chest. Just the act of doing that will help. Maybe you can visit his grave and read your letter to him. I know it may sound crazy, but sometimes stuff like that works.
Stick around here, maybe someone else will have another suggestion.
I'm sorry again......

Old 05-23-2007, 08:24 AM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Charleston, SC USA
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Psimer HB User
Re: My First Step-This Post

I would strongly suggest you get into therapy and start talking. Therapy is a very safe place to deal with emotional problems. I lost my mom Easter Sunday. I am going through the process but I have the support of my family. If it hadn't been for them, I would have been in therapy.

Therapy will also give you coping skills to deal with your sadness. You need those skills so when you get down you have some tools to help you through the emotions that you are experiencing.

A Grief Support Group would also be a good place to go. But I believe that a therapist would really help you out .


Old 05-23-2007, 08:32 AM   #4
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Re: My First Step-This Post

I am glad you found this place. My wife and best friend died one year ago in June. I was devastated to say the least. My stomach was such a mess. I was such a mess. I don't remember the exact time but about a month or so after she died I was yelling and screaming and couldn't stop shaking/trembling. I thought for sure the neighbors were going to try and break down my door, thats how out of control I was. I was at a breaking point and knew I had to do something. I got down on my knees and cried out to God and told him I couldn't do this anymore and that I needed his help. From that moment my healing began. I began to read every grief book I could find. The more we are educated about the process the easier it becomes to deal with. Also, reading how others have struggled with the same issues is comforting. I went to counseling once a week and also had their home phone number for emergency calls. I wrote in a journal everynight before bed describing everything I was going through and writing down memories of my wife. I leaned on a few friends and talked about my pain all the time. You have to get the pain out or it will eat you alive. I also worked out a lot, sometimes yelling while I worked out. I visited message boards like this one. I attended church every Sunday and worshiped God with everything I had. God's people were truly amazing to me through my grief.

It's only been 11 months since my wife died and I am allready remarried and as happy as ever. Everyone grieves at their own pace but we must also do everything in our power to get through it. We cannot ignore it, it doesn't just go away.

I believe when I gave God my life he walked me through the valley and healed me like only he can. I was at total peace with my wife dyeing in only five months. That sounds crazy even for me to say that, but its the truth. You may think I couldn't have loved my wife to get over it that quickly but that is so far from the truth. We were best friends and did everything together. We had been together for 11 years and I loved her so very much.

God is just amazing.

I will pray for you!

Old 05-24-2007, 03:29 AM   #5
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Re: My First Step-This Post

Dear Beck,
I agree with Psimer. Get some professional help now. Find a grief counselor, a group to talk to, something to get this out. It's eating you from the inside and isn't going to get any better until you deal with it. It's not weakness to grieve and it will not break you. Think of the undealt with pain as a poison in your system. You have to get it out. Tears and talking will do this. You have to let the grief process run it's course and you've been "stuck" for 5 years.

It sounds like you're going through the very same thing I did. After my own loss, I pushed down all the pain and didn't deal with it. Had to get stuff done, right? And I also was afraid that if I opened up and let the pain come through, it'd break me. 4 years later it came back with a vengance. I became severely dysfunctional for 2 years (agoraphobia, depression, severe anxiety, couldn't drive, withdrew from friends and family). Please don't let this happen to you. You, at least, are aware of what's going on and can deal with it before it gets to where it was in my case.

Know that we are here for you. Please keep us posted.

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