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Old 12-30-2007, 11:00 PM   #1
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: houston, tx, usa
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mcr285 HB Usermcr285 HB User

okay, my dad died in august of this year. he had cancer. my mom was his caregiver the whole 10 months he was sick. she was by his side 24-7. we really didn't think he was going to die, so his death was pretty unexpected and traumatic for all of us. she's 56, he was almost 60.

lately my mom has been having some anxiety/panic attacks, where her chest hurts, her heart pounds, she gets really pissy, testy, snappish.... not sure how to describe it. she gets to where she can't handle anything, can't make a decision, can't function, just wants to get out of the situation and run hide in her home, usually in her bed.

it's very hard for me to deal with because it's NOT who she is. she's always been strong and able to handle everything. i don't know if i should give into this behavior, or remind her of how strong she's always been. if i acknowledge the behavior (don't i sound like i'm dealing with a little kid??? sorry!), am i going to be encouraging her to keep doing it? she hates being and feeling helpless and it gets her down when she gets this way.

she didn't start doing this until the month or so, and that's really when all the attention she was getting from other people really started to fade away. so is she doing it for attention (subconsciously), or is it just something that comes along with grieving?

i hope i don't come off sounding like a horrible daughter. i just want to help her. i know she's going through some seriously awful pain and i'm so proud of her for all the things she IS doing right now. the anxiety/panic attacks though, are a bit worrisome. any advice or reassuring words would help!

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Old 12-31-2007, 10:16 AM   #2
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Re: anxiety....

Hon, your Mom is overwhelmed by everything that she has gone through. She was your father's rock./ She took care of everything. I bet that she handled his treatment, took care of the house and the meals and him. I bet that everything fell on her shoulders and she managed it with grace and goodness. Now her reason for living is gone. She doesn't know what to do with herself or her time. She is lost and confused. He reason to go on is gone.

You mom would do well to go to a grief counselor or to get in a group for grief counseling. Perhaps an antidepressant will also help her over this rough patch.

I lost my Dad the end of Sept, and my mom 5 weeks later so I have some idea of what she is going through and it isn't fun, nor is it easy. If you search the web you will find the 7 stages of grief. This should help you help your mom. You are both in my prayers...

Old 01-01-2008, 07:30 PM   #3
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: houston, tx, usa
Posts: 992
mcr285 HB Usermcr285 HB User
Re: anxiety....

thanks for your response. i am so sorry to hear about your parents. i can't even imagine the pain that you must be going through. thank you for taking the time to help me with my problems. it's funny you should use the phrase "she was his rock" because that is what we always said. she is an amazing person to have gone through everything she's had to go through in the way that she has done. i just worry about her.

she absolutely will NOT go to any sort of grief counseling, so it all falls on my shoulders. i've always been the one she comes to when she needs to talk or vent or anything, but in this case, i don't know if i'm helping her or making it worse for her. i'm trying my best, but it's all new territory for me! and we are so different in how we handle our grief. she seems to NEED to rehash all the horrible sad parts of my dad's illness, and i really need to stay focused on all the happy memories i have of my dad. but to help her, i'll stay and listen to her go through it all, but it's just breaking my heart and wearing me down, and it doesn't seem to make her anything but more sad and depressed. and sometimes i really just don't have it in me to sit there and listen to it anymore, so i'll try to change the subject to something more happy about my dad..... sometimes i think she knows i'm just changing the subject and she humors me for it, but is that doing her any good???

and now i am about 8 weeks pregnant. my hormones are all out of whack and i am so paranoid that i am doing it all wrong and that my mom is just going to get worse and worse because i don't know what i am doing because i've never dealt with this before.....

should i encourage her to get on medication, or try to push her more towards a counselor, or should i just try to keep being here for her when she needs to vent???

Last edited by mcr285; 01-01-2008 at 07:31 PM.

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