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My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

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Old 01-16-2008, 02:58 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: fair lawn, new jersey usa
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april86 HB User
Unhappy My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

My husband died suddenly 3 days before Christmas. I am having a hard time dealing with all this. Both friends and family have disappeared. I feel so alone.
Guess they just don't want to deal with the sadness they see when they look at me. Some of the stupid things people say really get to me. It has only been 3 weeks and I had one of my husbands friends call and say you sound depressed.
No kidding!! Then he tried to compare his divorce with my husbands sudden death. The man had a massive stroke at 60. Gee you think maybe that might make me depressed and of course he told me it's time to move on get over it.
Yeah right. Please someone out there help me I don't think I can handle this alone.

Last edited by april86; 01-16-2008 at 03:27 PM.

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Old 01-16-2008, 06:22 PM   #2
Junior Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 46
Sabrina67 HB User
Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. All I can give is a prayer and say that Time will ease your pain a little. My brother passed at 18 seven yrs ago . I know that we still miss him terribly.
Please be strong . I am praying for you and hope you get to feeling better.
As to insensitive remarks...I think people really don't know what to say. We had some dooseys after Billy passed. We even had people yell at my mom in wal-mart that it was her fault because she had remarried and he was from her second marriage.... So give yourself time and try to ignore teh ones who are clueless
Again . Love to you .

Old 01-16-2008, 06:22 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Mount Vernon, TX USA
Posts: 14
hollister04 HB User
Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure the holidays were difficult and lonely. I know that other people can say things that hurt, when really they just don't know how to help or what to say. Still, that doesn't make it right - it would be better if they would just not say anything. I know the pain is great - take care of yourself. Know that you are not alone...

Old 01-16-2008, 06:40 PM   #4
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Davis, Il USA
Posts: 9
schatzi891 HB User
Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

Hi April...

I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm sure you feel just devastated. People unfortunately can seem very insensitive when in reality they are just at a loss as what to say and will just blurt out anything that they think will help. Try not to let it get to one ear, out the other.

Have you tried going online or in your area for some kind of grief counseling? I'm sure it would be very helpful for you to share your feelings with like-minded people right now and it would probably be of great comfort to know you're not alone.

I can feel your pain and I wish I could take it away...hopefully with time the pain will somewhat ease, not go away but at least ease from this choking feeling you have now. I'll pray for you and please take care.

We're here to help...

(((((Sending big hugs)))))


Old 01-17-2008, 04:11 PM   #5
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: fair lawn, new jersey usa
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april86 HB User
Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's nice to know that people are listening and really do care. My church offers group counseling so I think I will give that a try. You are right about people just not knowing what to say. I guess I should be more understanding of their feelings. It's just not that easy.

Old 01-22-2008, 06:09 PM   #6
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: San Diego CA
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bcwooley HB User
Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

My husband died Feb 24, 2006. Everyone says I should start dating again and acting like I should be over it already. I'm sorry, but I still miss him and always will. I will tell you that life gets a little more easy to bear after the first year, but everyone is entitled to grieve in their own time and way. Please know, it is all right to grieve as long as you need to. The church group is a good thing and would help.
Please know you are not alone.

Last edited by bcwooley; 01-22-2008 at 06:11 PM.

Old 01-23-2008, 01:02 AM   #7
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
jsph110 HB User
Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

He was only trying to help but didn't know what to say maybe, forgive him. we are not perfect. anyways, you are not alone. keep posting here. These are real people here.

Old 01-23-2008, 10:17 AM   #8
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: houston, tx, usa
Posts: 992
mcr285 HB Usermcr285 HB User
Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

i am so incredibly sorry you lost your husband. i can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. i recently lost my father, and i know it isn't the same thing, but i do feel some of your pain.

people do tend to say some really stupid things when trying to offer comfort.... my dad just passed away this past august, and someone recently told my mom they couldn't wait until she got "back to normal" so they could go and do things together.... so dumb! but like the other poster said, those people just want to help and don't know what to say or do.

grief counseling would be an excellent thing for you to try. i wish i could get my mom to do it.....

Old 01-23-2008, 01:14 PM   #9
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 400
JulJul22 HB User
Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

I am so sorry for your loss. These people just don’t understand the enormity of pain that you are feeling right now.

My cousin’s girlfriend recently passed away Dec the 5th in a horrible accident. It was the first snow here and she lost control of her car, crossed the median and a freightliner hit her right in the drivers side door. They celebrated their 4th year anniversary on the 4th and the good lord took her the next day. He was going to propose to her on Christmas. She was only 23 years old. She was already a member of the family and always will be.

Also, my uncle passed on Sunday from a heart attack on the bathroom floor of a fast food restaurant. My father preformed CPR but to no avail. He was only 65 years old.

All that you can do is be there for the person/person’s in need because it’s not just only grief that your feeling but also the stress of having to take care of the funeral ect.

Just be there for yourself and have faith that he is with your lord (whoever that may be) and try to get some counseling. That doesn’t mean that you are weak, it means that you are doing something for yourself, to better your self during this horrible time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Time does not heal. It simply provides distraction.

Old 01-29-2008, 07:55 PM   #10
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Iselin,NJ, US
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wasAcaregiver HB User
Lightbulb Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

Hi April,

I am so sorry for your loss..I too lost my husband, he passed 10-5-07..It is the most difficult time..The holidays, birthdays, special occasions and just the meer shock wearing off is sometimes unbearable..I know what it is that you are feeling. People in general do want to help, but they can't understand, it's not that they are unfeeling, it's just they haven't experienced the depths of your grief..It has been hard these past few months for myself and our daughters(3)..You need to do things that can keep your mind busy..But, do allow yourself to feel the pain, and if you need to cry do it..Just let it out..It's been a short time for you since you lost him..Take one step, one day at a time. Do you ave any kids? It's good that you will give counseling a try, it won't hurt..Don't pay any mind to what people say or what they think..Your grieving period will end when it's time..What time will that be, we don't know. Just know that we're here if you need to talk and vent..I have found that there are many wonderful people out there that truly care and want to help..I hope you find some peace and solace..


Last edited by wasAcaregiver; 01-29-2008 at 08:00 PM. Reason: forgot 2 words (sorry)

Old 01-30-2008, 04:22 PM   #11
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Location: in the country/ IN
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Fancylady HB User
Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

Hi April,
I too, feel the terrible loss you are going threw. You see, I lost my husband also, about 1 1/2 yrs ago. We have 1 adopted son that couldn't be here. He's the only close family I have. What gets me the most is my husbands family really don't ever call and have only visited me once or twice. His brother who he was close too, has never came over and I have move into the next town. I don't know very many here and neighbor's haven't been friendly either. It seems know one understands. Even the friends I do have, have husbands so they don't call. One nephew visits and cares. One day, when my will is read, the family is going to be surprised, for I have forgotten them too, except the nephew.

At Christmas this passed year, I just broke down after it was over. Seeing the brother, which looks like my husband was just too much. His sister had the nerve to ask me to see a counsler, when she is one herself. I would love to talk to her, but she lets me know she is to busy & its not good business. Now she is a widow too, so I think she could of done me more good than a perfect stranger.

I will say a prayer for you, knowing just how bad this lonelyness can get. If it wasn't for my best friend living several states away, calling me and listening, I don't know what I would have done. The holidays are the worse. You are doing the right thing and could take quite a while to get over the worse of this. I feel like the best part of me died too.
Wishing you better days,

Old 02-17-2008, 05:51 PM   #12
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida, USA
Posts: 4
mgck HB User
Unhappy Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

I am so sorry to hear about the sudden unexpected loss of your husband. My husband died October 23, 2007 -- it was completely unexpected -- only 48 years old. I am devastated -- still walking around in a daze -- it is all so "surreal". I am so LONELY. Don't have close family except my daughter who lives in Ft. Myers, about 2 1/2 hours away from me. I've never had to live alone and I am terrified. Have been staying with various friends and am getting ready to move into my own apartment hopefully by the end of this coming week.

My heart goes out to you. I can truly say "I somewhat know how you feel". I found my husband dead on the bedroom floor at 5:45 a.m. I still cannot believe it. I am coping, but only because my doc has me on anti-anxiety medication.

My thoughts are with you. This is my first time writing on this site, I don't know what I'm doing -- will you be able to answer me back? Peace to you,


Old 04-05-2008, 06:23 PM   #13
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: South Hadley MA USA
Posts: 4
senoraberg HB User
Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

There are a lot of us out there, I see. It is an excruciating pain-unbearable. I lost my husband, the father of my 2 children, when he was 49 and I was 45. It was terribel, but a few years later, aI found the true love of my life with Ken. He made me appreciate life and enjoy it to the fullest. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and died within 2 months. We had seven wonderful years together, but now I am a widow agai, and this time is 1000 time sworst than the first. Ken was the true ,love of my life. I will never love, nor truly live, again. I will only exist.

Old 08-25-2008, 08:08 PM   #14
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: rhode island
Posts: 1
dft HB User
Re: My husband died on 12/22/2007. Need help

I am sorry for your loss. I understand what you are going through in some ways. While everyone's loss and grief are unique, there are still things we share. I too lost my husband suddenly just 4 months ago tomorrow. He was only 61 and had no signs of illness or heart problems. I am very grateful that he did not suffer, but the loss is great. I, like you, miss him every day. My only words for you are the same ones I tell myself...cry when you have to, lean on friends and family when you need to, be alone when you want. I recently read a very good book that has helped..."Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser. It helped me and I hope that perhaps it will help you. Be kind to yourself and talk to him everyday...he hears you and is with you.

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