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My Mother can't move forward.....

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Old 06-06-2008, 09:50 AM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: tulsa, ok
Posts: 12
sam673 HB User
My Mother can't move forward.....

My Father died almost a year ago and my Mother still can't move forward with her life. She is constantly dwelling on the "what ifs" and the "whys" and "isn't it obvious that God hates me and wants me to be miserable?"

She is incredibly depressing to be around. My Mother takes every single little thing as a personal attack. If my sister calls my mother for any kind of favor, my mother immediately gets more depressed and says my sister only uses her and doesn't love her. If my brother says he'll come help my Mother with something and then ends up having to work late, my Mother gets more depressed and says my brother doesn't love her. Because of my Mother's attitude and depression, my siblings don't want ever want to be around her and when they are around her, they are short with my Mother and don't let her share her feelings (because it's depressing to hear?). She swears if it had been my Father who died, my brothers and sisters would never have treated him the way they treat her.

My biggest problem is that because I live in another state from her, she calls me daily to unload all her issues, sometimes a couple of times a day, and she usually keeps me on the phone for hours at a time. I have three kids all under the age of 4, and spending hours on the phone dealing with my Mother's issues keeps me from being able to properly take care of my children. She unloads all her grief about losing my Father, and I can handle that okay. It's hard to hear, because I have my own grief to deal with, but I can put those feelings aside to help her through. It's when she starts unloading about how unfair her life has always been, and how much God must hate her, and how she must just be destined to be miserable, and how my brothers and sisters don't love her, that it gets really hard to hear.

I hate being dragged into the middle of every single argument she has with my brothers and sisters. It's like my Mother is trying to make me take the place of my Father in mediating between them, and I do not like being put in that position. I know my siblings need to grow up and take some responsibililty, but until that cold day in hell happens, why is it so hard for her to recognize that they are just spoiled and selfish and treat everyone badly and not just her??? And why now does it bother her so much when it didn't bother her before my Father died?

So now her way of "dealing" with my brothers and sisters is to "just sit quietly and take the abuse," which means she's playing the role of the martyr and it gets really hard to take. My Mother is getting more and more depressed with each day and I worry about her constantly. But her daily phone calls are getting to be too much for me to handle. It's always the same conversation. "Why did your Father have to go and leave me??" and, "Why don't my other children love me??" and, "I know that God hates me and He is punishing me and He wants me to be miserable." How many times can a person have that same conversation?????????

I just don't know what to do with her anymore. I know she is heartbroken over losing my Father, but now it almost seems like she is purposely trying to sabotage her relationship with my siblings and I don't know why! And the constant dwelling on how miserable her life has "always been" is keeping her from moving forward.

It's like she's just barely keeping her head above water and even then she'd not really putting a whole lot of effort into keeping it there! I don't expect her to just forget about my Father and move on, or to just let go of her pain and suddenly be happy. I know grief is a process that has to be worked through. It just seems like she isn't even trying to take that first step towards working through it. Instead she seems to adding more and more to her depression and is getting buried in it!

Has anyone else experienced this after losing a spouse or a parent??? I'm at my wits end and I just don't know how to help my Mother! Please help me!!!

Last edited by sam673; 06-06-2008 at 09:51 AM.

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