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    Old 05-31-2009, 10:24 AM   #16
    CTWsAngel
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    Caringsister,

    You are so right, there were a lot of bad times but we did have good times too. I have thought a lot about those and try very hard to focus on them. I loved my mother and father very much and I told them whenever I had contact with them because I wanted to be sure they always knew. They loved me in their way...I truly like that thought. Thanks for the comfort! Angel

     
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    Old 05-31-2009, 11:58 PM   #17
    Angel MJ
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    hi ... time doesn't heal wounds but in my case i found that time let the 'bad memories' fade ... the good memories do come ... no need to force them!
    Hang in there and keep posting!
    Another angel

     
    Old 06-02-2009, 07:11 AM   #18
    CTWsAngel
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    In 1987 when my 21 year old brother was killed in a car accident the song, If Tomorrow Never Comes by Garth Brooks was so poignant to his death that it gives me chills to this day whenever I hear it. Then in 2005 when dad died it was the song When I Get Where I'm Going by Brad Paisley. Now in 2009 mom's gone and Alan Jackson has a song called Sissy's Song, it is so beautiful and so personal to me, it is as if he wrote this about her. She was so grief stricken when my brother died that she just wanted to see him again, and held hope that someday she would. When she found out her cancer was terminal she was frightened only of a horrific death gasping for breath, but not of dying. I am haunted by her peacefulness, I can't seem to get the 12th of May out of my mind. I close my eyes and I see her lying there breathing, resting, each pause between breaths seemed to increase and I held my breath sure it was the last and then it was. How long will this be with me and how can I make the people around me understand? I came back to work and was nearly insulted that everyone's life kept going while mine seemed to stand still. They ask how I am and all I can say is I am ok, when I truly want to say, I don't know. This grief seems different than that I had experienced before, it's all consuming.

     
    Old 06-03-2009, 01:11 AM   #19
    Angel MJ
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    angel ... personally i think the grief is v.different for different losses - the relationships + memeories are different!
    consuming - definitely! you would think that it gets easier with each loss but quite the contrary - the grief stores fill up and fill up before getting a chance to 'empty' and any unknown undealt with grief comes right back and it has grown.
    i make a joke when ppl lose someone in their immediate family ... i have a head start on everyone ... hubby has no mum/dad-in-law to deal with ... but it is no joke as i am alone in this world ... my older brother is 'a christian' and unless you are in his church has no time for you. i do not do church! my step-mom is one of my rocks - she didn't have to have anything to do with us when dad passed but i see her every weekend and we talk all the time - i insisted on being a part of my younger brothers life (13 years my junior) so we have a new 'little family' but it still hurts ... point is the best way to deal with losing someone is to grieve! the hurt lessens and the coping mechanisms get more effective - but grieving is important ...
    i had a completely different response earlier but i hit the backspace button and my message erased ... anyway it is good to write about it as i cannot talk about it - hubby (bless him) dos not understand as he has only lost his grandfather and a one friend - he does not do death well!
    anyway ... hang in there!
    * email address removed by hb-mod, moderator *

    Last edited by hb-mod; 06-03-2009 at 03:23 PM. Reason: Please don't post contact info, such as email address, per Posting Policy.

     
    Old 06-03-2009, 02:25 PM   #20
    CTWsAngel
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    Angel-

    I know what you mean about hubby not understanding, mine has only lost an uncle and they were not that close. I try to reiminsce with him the memories I cherish but he doesn't seem to get how important that is for me. He is my soul mate in so many ways and tries so hard to understand but unless you have felt this pain personally, you really have no idea.

    As for your "Christian" brother, I feel sorry for him for he doesn't get the true meaning of being "Christian", it isn't supposed to be about yourself it is supposed to be about being like "Christ". I don't go to church either, but I do believe in God, and I believe that He LOVES me as much as any churchgoing person. What would Jesus do? Would he ignore people because they didn't gather in a church and worship him? People have it wrong, you don't have to go to church to pray, or believe. I pray everyday, I talk to God and ask for forgiveness of anything I may have done to displease him and I ask for protection and comfort for my family and for strength for myself. Just because you ask God for these things doesn't mean you will get it but it may mean that you will be put in a situation where strength is needed or patience or whatever it is you need. He doesn't always grant your request the way you want it, it is His plan after all and He doesn't allow people to hover over His shoulder for the next part of the plan. That is life. Don't give up on your brother, however, keep reaching out to him and telling him that you love him, he has his grief too, and perhaps being pious is his way of dealing with it.

    Last week I was worried because I couldn't seem to cry anymore and now this week (every night) I cry myself to sleep!! I feel like I am losing my mind! How can I be surrounded by people who love me and only find comfort alone with my dog? It doesn't seem right. There have been so many things that have happened that I would normally call and share with mom so that we could laugh together but the phone rings and rings, there is no one there to answer. What is the saying "If tears could build a bridge and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again" I KNOW that she is in a better place, that she has my brother, my dad, my grandfather, her grandparents, her best friend, and many others around her, she is NOT alone, and she is NOT in pain anymore yet it doesn't seem to change my selfish thinking of wanting her back!!

    I am thinking of finding a therapist or possibly a bereavement group, I need to give ME time to myself to grieve. Right now, I am putting it off as much as possible, I hate feeling weak, helpless, lonely, and sad.

    Thanks for the email, I will keep it in mind when I can't sleep, I will write! * email address removed by hb-mod, moderator *
    Thanks for being there, just knowing you understand helps me so much!

    Last edited by hb-mod; 06-03-2009 at 03:24 PM. Reason: Please don't post contact info, such as email address, per Posting Policy.

     
    Old 06-04-2009, 01:51 AM   #21
    Angel MJ
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    hi angel - the moderator removed our email adresses ... hope you at least got mine! didn't know was against policy - i did read them but clearly it didn't go in - maybe i should read the policies again?

    thanks for the comforting thoughts re: brother. it doesn't really bother me most of the time but i am happy for him, he married the pastors daughter and they are a good kind loving bunch! just hurts as we are so removed from each other and with all the losses you'd think that would make us closer? we were split up as kids and been strangers ever since - he stayed with dad and is part of that family, i have always felt like an outsider so now i don't bother with them anymore ... my sister was the link and when she passed the ties broke.
    yes to all the stuff about them being in a better place but we aren't ... and thats what we have ... the here, the now!
    good idea about the therapist, group! if i wasn't affraid to leave the house then i might find comfort in something like that ... that is why i come here!
    Thanks again for the kindness ... love the tears bridge words!
    Angel

     
    Old 06-04-2009, 06:31 AM   #22
    CTWsAngel
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    Angel,

    I didn't realize the email rule either, guess I skimmed the rules too fast LOL We could both go back and read them but I bet there would still be rules we would miss!

    I have one brother and one sister left, my sister and I have been doing all the estate stuff, getting ready for a sale and settling things with the government. My brother is the oldest and was upset at Mom's funeral because my sister was named as executor and power of attorney. He really felt as the oldest he should get that right but that decision was made long before Dad died, he just wasn't kept informed. I guess my parents knew he would be upset, but knew that he doesn't handle death well and wouldn't be the best person for the job. There are a lot of tough decisions my sister has had to make and I wouldn't want to be in her shoes for anything. My brother and his wife have a severe drinking problem (yes, they are alcoholics), they struggle to raise their two children, and maintain their own household. My brother would love to live in the small town where my parents lived but there is only ONE thing to do in a small town and that is the last thing my parents wanted for him. As my sister said, he is a big boy and he will get over it. I don't know if we will hear much from him once the estate is settled, we barely heard from him while our parents were alive and Mom was our link to him. My sister has tried to keep in touch and especially now, keeping him informed on what is going on but he is not responding, we don't know if that is a good sign or not, only time will tell. There is a kind of anxious dread about getting things over and done with, you want it over because it is so stressful yet getting it over means finalizing the fact that they are gone. A double edged sword so to speak!

    I had another rough night last night and was going to email you but realized I left your address on my desk at work I had an awful dream about my mother and I fighting, my dad was there and seemed oblivious to the whole thing or at least didn't want any part of what was going on, it was so upsetting. I was going to run away, I was going to find solitude somewhere, and was sure that she wouldn't be able to judge me anymore if I could get away. It broke my heart, and I felt the pieces falling here and there, it was a ghostly reminder that mom and I weren't close, she didn't like a lot of the choices I had made and my dream wanted me to be sure to remember that. As I sat in my rocking chair, reliving it, wanting it to be different, I was reminded of something I read or was told somewhere along the line about how the Devil wants us to live in our past, to relive our past hurts, he delights in our pain and it is only by the Grace of God that we can let those hurts go and live in the now. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you!!

    I am glad you like the saying, I have others, I will post them sometime. Thanks for listening,

     
    Old 06-05-2009, 08:38 AM   #23
    heatherh
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    Disneyworld,

    I am so sorry to hear the news about your friends. That has to be very difficult for you since you've only recently lost your husband. All I can say, is when I found out my mom had only weeks to live, I spent as much time as I could with her. I helped care for her and she told me how easy I made everything for her so she could pass. While I am still very sad with her gone (it hasn't yet been three months), I am happy I could help her.

    Spend time with your friends, even if you can only stay for a few minutes. I know it brought my mom comfort when her friends can came. For those that were out of state, I would call them, put them on speakerphone and I spoke for her when she couldn't. But even when she couldn't speak, she would smile when she heard their voices.

    Take care, I will pray for you.

    Heather

     
    Old 06-09-2009, 06:23 PM   #24
    CTWsAngel
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    Today has been a tough day, it was four weeks ago today that she died. I can replay that day like a movie in my mind, it is so hard. I miss her so much. While I was looking around in the Christian store today I came across the perfect gift for Father's day, I thought wow, that is exactly what I would say to dad, then it hit me that he was gone too, I started to cry and had to leave. I want this hollow ache to go away, I can't sleep at night, and it's affecting my work. I find myself spacing off and letting my mind wander. I am lost but I am here, still grieving

     
    Old 06-10-2009, 08:37 AM   #25
    Angel MJ
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    hi angel ***BIG HUGS***
    grieving is not easy ... tears come so easily sometimes but you let them out!
    my dad passed in 93 and i still get the lump in my throat around fathers day (we weren't that close)
    so hang in there and get yourself to a support group! you need some real ppl interaction and some real arms around you!
    here for you whenever you need online support & virtual arms!
    A

     
    Old 06-10-2009, 02:12 PM   #26
    CTWsAngel
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    Hey Angel-

    Thanks so much for the virtual hug! I will take any that I can get! This not sleeping thing really has me, and I was hoping for a good nights sleep to remedy it but it didn't happen so today feel even more drained. You are right I need more help but don't know if I can reach out to anyone "real", I have terrible anxiety and don't want that to act up on top of my not sleeping. I am just sad, and tired of hiding it and putting on that game face, I guess people will just have to learn with me grieving for awhile and if they don't like it, they can go somewhere else. I can't let myself push all these feelings down and not feel them like I did when my dad died. I don't really know...I just want to get through it.

     
    Old 06-10-2009, 06:03 PM   #27
    heatherh
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Angel MJ View Post
    hi angel ***BIG HUGS***
    grieving is not easy ... tears come so easily sometimes but you let them out!
    my dad passed in 93 and i still get the lump in my throat around fathers day (we weren't that close)
    so hang in there and get yourself to a support group! you need some real ppl interaction and some real arms around you!
    here for you whenever you need online support & virtual arms!
    A
    Hi Angel,

    I know how you are feeling. On Friday it will be 3 months since my mom passed and on next Monday, 3 months since my dad passed. Don't surpress your feelings, whatever you do. You are right when you said that people will have to deal with you while you are grieving. I found that even colleagues at work would understand when I tear up and have to excuse myself from a meeting or casual conversation. Just let the grieving happen. If you don't it will be worse later - at least that is what I think. I haven't had to experience something like this before but from what I can gather from others on this site, if we don't grieve, it is worse.

    I will pray for you,

    Heather

     
    Old 06-11-2009, 03:12 AM   #28
    Angel MJ
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    angel - just try take it one day at a time! best thing to do!
    i have lupus and take life minute by minute!
    i find that sleep deprevation does make things much worse ... can your GP/Primary give you something to take the edge off? (anxiety meds, sleeping pill ???) i am not advocating a pill for everything but they definitely do help when we just can't do it by ourselves ... our bodies realease chemicals naturally that help us 'cope' and sometimes we just don't have enough so a little pill can make the world of difference ... i am not on long term meds but do 'use' them with doctors guidance when i need it. also seeing a therapist could really help you thru this process ...
    ***BIG BIG BIG HUG***

    you have my email so if you cannot let it out face to face give me a shout ...
    write it out but do try let it out! BUT sometimes 'real' ppl can really surprise us ... the biggest thing is knowing we are not alone in these feelings!
    you are doing a good thing being on the board and writing about this! it makes a difference in the long term!
    i had a dream about my mum & sister last night (both passed) and it has me a little teary today so i am going to analyze my dreams and see what i am working thru ... message from the sub-concious???

    so another ***HUG*** and a box of kleenex ! hang tight!

     
    Old 06-22-2009, 05:56 PM   #29
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heatherh View Post
    It has been 2 months since I lost my mom & dad. One month since I lost my grandmother (my mom's mom).

    I feel like I can't talk to friends because they don't know what to say to someone who has suffered so much loss. Plus, I don't want to burden them.

    I helped my mom while she was dying from breast cancer. She told me how easy I made it for her. We lost my step-dad, suddenly, 1.5 years prior to her passing. She was ready to leave to be with him again. I told him when he died that he was supposed to take care of her for me. I realized when she was passing, that he was taking care of her. By him dying, it made it easier for her to go.

    My dad died unexpectedly the day of my mom's viewing. I wasn't told about his death until the viewing's were over. He passed in his sleep and the autopsy was inconclusive. He was in the Army for 20 years. They had a salute for him and played taps. The worse part is my grandparents are still alive. It was difficult to see them mourn their son.

    I was with my grandmother when she passed. She was in the hospital with pneumonia and went into renal failure. Her heart was weak due to a massive heart attack 14 years ago. She cried when she passed. I wiped her tears away when she was passing.

    Some days, I am very sad. Like today - all I wanted to do was cry all day. I got up, went to work, I went out for lunch so I could cry. Then I cried on the way home.

    I don't know what to expect from this website. I just feel like I need to reach out to someone. I am not married and do not have a boyfriend right now. My sister is an alcoholic and is in and out of treatment facilities. As you can imagine, grief has been hard for her to deal with.

    People told me in the beginning that God loves me a lot to give me such pain. I am normally described as a "strong" person. I don't feel so strong right now.
    Hi there I know how you feel. My grandma died and them mom got colon cancer 5 years later. To make things worse she had a stroke last July and is paralized and cannot speak. I know she will probably not live long and I feel like I cant live without her. I am also not married and have no family left. I have some friends but they dont understand.

     
    Old 06-23-2009, 01:34 AM   #30
    Angel MJ
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    Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

    everyone that is hurting right now ***GREATEST HUGS EVER***

    grieving is such a personal thing that we often don't hear what people are saying and it doesn't matter what they say ... what does matter is that they are trying to say something ... trying to help you with your pain ... they know they can't but the fact that they try should matter - it does later!

    i have lost a lot of ppl :father '93 luekemia, sister '02 heart failure at 32, 2 grandfathers '05 within a month of each other, mother '07 COPD, just in my immediate family ... my grieving has been on going for 16 years and it's not that it gets easier but my focus has changed and some days are easier ...

    i often withdraw from life itself but then i found the meassage boards which give me a way to connect with ppl ... my virtual world is filled with support & understanding and when i cannot face anything i just don't log on ... but that is my best time to reach out and connect! it gives me hope to know that in the darkest of times emotionally i am not as alone as i feel ... i alienate people from the 'real world' even my hubby as he does not understand the loss ... it irks me when he treats life so casually as i know how short it is for some ppl but then 'the sun comes out' and i remember that all our life lessons are different and he doesn't have to live loss to feel loss ... i sometimes joke with him and say he is lucky as he has very few in laws to deal with ...

    so connect where you can, draw strength from those offering it and remember as sad as it is ... life continues and we need to be a part of it sometimes! making others smile is my cure for heartache!
    love you all! hang in there!

     
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