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  • In a brain fog since I lost my mom

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    Old 07-05-2009, 02:47 PM   #1
    TopamaxKillsMe
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    In a brain fog since I lost my mom

    I lost my mom in November. I have felt sort of in a haze ever since. I knew it was coming. I took care of her the last year and a half. she was diagnosed with myeloma 17 years before she died. Still...when it happened, I sort of went on auto-pilot and have been, for the most part, floating through life. Some times I feel intense pain but usually I'm just numb. When the pain starts coming up, it is very intense. I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head. Usually, though, I am in a fog.

    I dream about my mom often and, in the dream, I have to tell her she's dead because she doesn't know it. I'm in a bereavement group and those are the times where I feel the pain, otherwise, I just suppress it. The bereavement group will be over in a month.

    My mom and I were very close. While she yearned for my siblings and I to pull together for each other after she departed, as I expected, that didn't happen. My siblings are pretty cold and selfish. They have blown me off since our mom died. Our father died in 2005. I feel alone...I have a cat....and a job. It almost feels like my mom is on vacation but a few times, I have felt this impulse to call her...and then I realize she's gone.

    Everything still feels so surreal and it seems as if my life is flying by. It seems like yesterday, we were eating at California Pizza Kitchen on my birthday. Now, in less than three weeks I will have another birthday. This one will be my first without my mom.

    I have turned into a total recluse and am very anti-social. I wonder if I'll ever come out of it.

     
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    Old 07-05-2009, 02:59 PM   #2
    pitcherred
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    Re: In a brain fog since I lost my mom

    Is there some reason you dont have a significant other? I understand about the sibling thing its too bad. At least you have a cat- not sure what i would do without mine - i love her like crazy and need her. I think you have to make some conscious decision to not let this beat you. Try to just be strong and live what you can the best you can. Just know things can always be worse - i am sure of this. Life is a constant challenge , that is what life is about. As one of my good friends said to me - everyone has problems just different ones. Try not to feel alone as if no one else can understand what you have to bare. I think sooner or later everyone does the same.

     
    Old 07-06-2009, 08:21 AM   #3
    TopamaxKillsMe
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    Re: In a brain fog since I lost my mom

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pitcherred View Post
    Is there some reason you dont have a significant other? .
    How exactly am I supposed to answer that? It is totally irrelevant to what I am going through as a result of losing my mom. I am in a bereavement group now and one of the women there is constantly talking about how alone she feels because she gets no support from her husband.

     
    Old 07-08-2009, 11:58 AM   #4
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    Re: In a brain fog since I lost my mom

    Hi Topa,
    Im so sorry for your loss. I know the fog, going through the motions and not really being able to enjoy anything around you as you are just numb...
    I lost my dear sweet mother 9 years ago on the 16th June, 2000. Like you, I too tended to my mother, she was ill for a long time and ended up in hospital finally her body just gave out, and went home to die, she only lasted a week more. Her three youngest children including me (38years old at the time) were at her side, it was actually a wonderful passing, but still no matter how peaceful no matter how much prepared one might be, it doesnt take away the empty feeling and it is not something that you can put a time line to be done with the grief, as everyone is different and even now I have hard times, I miss her terribly, she was my best friend, like sisters we were, and one of the most loving wise people ive ever known.. And she is gone..... My family went in different directions, all 7 of her children were really only glued together with family gatherings and such by only one person, her, she was the hub to the wheel. We are now just starting to do things as family celibrations go.
    It hasnt even been a year for you, bless you, all i can offer is my heart and a shoulder any time... My neice said to me one day, to not be selfish in my suffering, that is something that many do, as we feel either we cant talk to anyone as they wont understand or we feel that most everyone has heard it and arent interested anymore.
    Hope that if the grief therapy is coming to a close that there is someone that is there that maybe you can talk with sometimes. (dont know if it a group therapy or not) All I can say is it takes time and one day you will start to do things, one day you will see life again without the empty numbness, one day you will smile again and laugh and mean it when you do. But for now, its ok to be numb and it is certainly ok for you to truly miss her. Bless you

    Last edited by shannyk; 07-08-2009 at 12:01 PM.

     
    Old 07-08-2009, 12:14 PM   #5
    shannyk
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    Re: In a brain fog since I lost my mom

    ps... I called my mother everyday when I got in to work, first thing I put coffee on and then called my mother, (was the boss so could do that) we always started the conversation, Hi my Mother and she would say Hi my Shanny. It took me almost a year not to phone her, for months i'd pick up the phone and dial, then remember and hang up... Hated that, it always broke my heart, then id swallow it to try to deal with work, and even though was working, i havent a clue what i did each day, for I just went on auto pilot as you said,,, think its the bodies way of continuing with what the mind cant do at the time. does that make since?
    I know you dont know me or I you, but honest when I said you can talk to me anytime I mean that.... A friend in a stranger sometimes is better than a friend that knows you

    Last edited by shannyk; 07-08-2009 at 12:19 PM.

     
    Old 07-21-2009, 09:13 PM   #6
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    Re: In a brain fog since I lost my mom

    Thank you. That is very kind of you to say and it sounds like our relationships with our mothers were similar. Before I moved to Florida to be her caregiver, I lived in California for ten years and prior to that in NY for 6. We still spoke everyday at least once a day and we would often visit each other. She would come for my birthday usually. Friday is my birthday and this week, it's all coming up. I am very emotional. I have even decided to take Friday off work because I think it will be too emotional. If I had siblings who were loving and caring, then it would be different. I knew they wouldn't be there for me, though. My mom so hoped we would be close but we were dysfunctional while she was alive and nothing has changed. If anything, there is resentment on both sides. Me for them not being there for my mom to the point that I had to move cross country to care for her because neither one of them who lived close by wanted to help her and them to me because I was so close to mom and they don't have that now. They always criticized me as being the baby, as never growing up, as being too reliant on her. How is that when I lived apart from her for 16 years? We were just close. There was a very strong bond and neither of them got it. I feel fortunate that I at least shared the special bond with my mom.

    I miss her. Colleagues at work wanted to take me out for my birthday but I declined. I really don't want to be around anyone. I don't know these people very well, I work with them and I just feel that the wound is still fresh and I don't want to reveal that side of myself with them.

    The bereavement group helps but sometimes, I just want to leave. I cannot deal with the pain that starts erupting in some of those sessions. I have two weeks left. It is not an ongoing thing. In fact, I have to pay for it.

     
    Old 07-26-2009, 07:17 PM   #7
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    Re: In a brain fog since I lost my mom

    Hi Topa,

    We share some similarities as far as siblings go. I have some resentment towards mine because they could have done so much more for my Mom. One of them lives only 15 minutes away from her and yet only saw her maybe 3 times a year. She could call if she needed anything but still that's different than someone (like me) who tried to actually be proactive with her needs and help her without her having to ask. I would travel for hours just to do basic things. They did NOTHING. My whole life my siblings have been jealous about the bond me and my Mom have. And now that she's gone, I find myself wanting to yell at them for not doing more. They don't even care and are too self-absorbed to even notice. It was something that hurt my Mom because she always talked about wishing they would come over more. And now they come to her house a lot and always call, they talk about how we should all stay closer and so on, and I'm thinking WTH didn't they do this when she was alive.

    Another thing I relate to is that my B-day is right around the corner too. It will be the first time I don't have a Mom to share it with. It's the little things I'll miss, like how she would decorate the B-Day card she'd give me or have some really creative way of wrapping a gift. There will never be anyone who loves me like my Mom did.

    She just recently passed away so it's still raw. I think I'm in denial in many ways and then the reality overcomes me. The poster who asked about why you don't have a significant other struck a nerve for me because for some odd reason a few people have felt the need to remind me that my Mom will never see me settled down or with my own family. Like I don't feel bad enough that she's gone they have to throw that in too. I don't think people try to be insensitive but it happens. In reality, my Mom was divorced and knew how tough marriage could be. It's not the fantasy people make it out to be and just because you have a husband doesn't mean you have support. Regardless, in an ideal world I would have loved for her to see that but I haven't met the man who I could spend the rest of my life with. I don't think she would have wanted me to settle just so she could see it. She'd rather me wait to find who I really need forever.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say I understand the fog you're in. Mine is very new and I'm scared it will keep getting worse. I'm very isolated right now and will be for a while, so it scares me. I hope you're feeling okay. I understand not wanting to go out for your B-day but maybe you should reconsider. Just go for an hour or two if you can. That's nice that your co-workers invited you. I'm not working right now so I'm basically alone. Even my best friend is getting impatient with me on the phone because she thinks I'm dwelling on things. It JUST happened though so of course I will dwell. It's hard to find support, so if you can, try to go out for your B-day.

     
    Old 08-03-2009, 07:50 AM   #8
    shannyk
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    Re: In a brain fog since I lost my mom

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by TopamaxKillsMe View Post
    Thank you. That is very kind of you to say and it sounds like our relationships with our mothers were similar. Before I moved to Florida to be her caregiver, I lived in California for ten years and prior to that in NY for 6. We still spoke everyday at least once a day and we would often visit each other. She would come for my birthday usually. Friday is my birthday and this week, it's all coming up. I am very emotional. I have even decided to take Friday off work because I think it will be too emotional. If I had siblings who were loving and caring, then it would be different. I knew they wouldn't be there for me, though. My mom so hoped we would be close but we were dysfunctional while she was alive and nothing has changed. If anything, there is resentment on both sides. Me for them not being there for my mom to the point that I had to move cross country to care for her because neither one of them who lived close by wanted to help her and them to me because I was so close to mom and they don't have that now. They always criticized me as being the baby, as never growing up, as being too reliant on her. How is that when I lived apart from her for 16 years? We were just close. There was a very strong bond and neither of them got it. I feel fortunate that I at least shared the special bond with my mom.

    I miss her. Colleagues at work wanted to take me out for my birthday but I declined. I really don't want to be around anyone. I don't know these people very well, I work with them and I just feel that the wound is still fresh and I don't want to reveal that side of myself with them.

    The bereavement group helps but sometimes, I just want to leave. I cannot deal with the pain that starts erupting in some of those sessions. I have two weeks left. It is not an ongoing thing. In fact, I have to pay for it.
    Hi to you Top and Green,
    Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing?
    My neice told me the other day, "I think im finding my sunshine again, its coming back to me" She has had some huge ordeals in her life and sometimes when things get real bad she shuts everyone out, her way of keeping it closed off so she doesnt bring anyone down with her, but it only makes things worse when she does that because she stays there too long, kind of comfortably miserable. I was so please she has found the sun again, at least she is trying. Hope you too are letting the sun back in. Try not to be so hard on yourself, let others in if you can even just for a bit, and give yourself credit for you made a difference in your mothers life. Joy will return, baby steps ok.
    Love and Light
    Shannyk

     
    Old 08-05-2009, 04:12 PM   #9
    TopamaxKillsMe
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    Re: In a brain fog since I lost my mom

    I have noticed the fog lifting since before my birthday which was less than two weeks ago. My brother couldn't even pick up the phone to call me. My sister did. I felt sadness and got incredibly drunk just to get through the day.

    My cat was diagnosed with lymphoma which I believe is forcing all this grief for my mom to come out.

    I used to feel my mom's presence. I dream about her but usually she is in another room or on the phone. Once I saw her from the side and begged her to hug me. She started to turn but I woke up before I could see her face. There's a lot of Jungian dream interpretation there but unfortunately, I don't have insurance or money to see a psychiatrist. I don't feel my mom so much anymore.

    I was in a bereavement group but it was only eight weeks. Now I'm alone again...and the pain is unbearable.

     
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