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Will I ever find a new "normal"?

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Old 02-19-2010, 05:27 PM   #1
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afraidofdying HB User
Will I ever find a new "normal"?

Hi everyone. I lost my husband two years ago in a car accident just after he returned from Iraq. I was 10 weeks pregnant with our third son. It hurt so much and I felt like I just couldnt go on. I had the baby, he's beutiful. But I was so angry. I was angry at my husband for leaving me here, 28 years old, alone, and scared with 3 son's to raise. I decided that life wasnt over for me........sort of. I look at it today and know that I was not dealing with my loss and trying to ignore it. I started drinking, and going out. In the meanwhile, my grandmother, who i moved next door to, passed away. I began drinking even more, I was only trying to have a little fun. That's what I kept telling myself anyway. It didnt matter that everyone else in my life was hurting as bad as me and now I was hurting them too. Then I met a man, thought I was in love and I thought he loved me. I didnt know he was only in it for the life insurance and pension that my husband left me. Then I got pregnant again. I told him he needed to get a job to help support, that it wasnt fair to take everything from my other children to support this one. And he left. This was about a month ago. Im now 2 months pregnant, and trying desperately to pick up the pieces of my shattered ego and rebuild trust with my babies. They love me so much and are perfectly content to just cuddle on the couch, nothing more needs to be said. But now I have guilt beyond expression. And I feel like I'm grieving for the first time all over again. I'm not angry at my husband anymore, I just miss him so much it aches. I wish this baby were his, and I wish he was here so badly. I need him. To make matters worse, my father just went into kidney failure. In short, he is dying. I'm watching my children, my mother, and everyone else close to us hurt so much. I cant make it better. I cant help them. I feel so helpless. Ive made so many mistakes over the past year, and I'm so ashamed that I feel like I couldnt possibly pull my family out of this. I can make my dad well. I cant bring my husband and my grandma back. I cant change what I did. How do you deal with this? Will life ever feel safe, calm and "normal again?

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Old 02-22-2010, 07:02 PM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1
Tresa HB User
Re: Will I ever find a new "normal"?

I'm so sorry. It sounds as though there are many things you can't change but there are some that you can.

I can only say that you will need to take it one day at a time. Just do the very best you can for today and tomorrow will come soon enough.

If you can find that new "normal" for your babies first then you will also find a new "normal" for yourself. Yes, life can feel safe again, one step at a time.

I hope you come back and post about how you are doing now.

Old 02-25-2010, 11:53 AM   #3
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goldyfm HB Usergoldyfm HB Usergoldyfm HB User
Re: Will I ever find a new "normal"?

Most definitely you can find some sort of normal. It may take time and forgiveness to get to that level of normal. I want you first to look deep into yourself and find that person that was carefree and secure in yourself. Appreciate the good points of who you are and do not dwell on what you cannot control. Yesterday is gone but tomorrow is yours and yours alone to make happy and secure for your little family. Set small goals for yourself and try not to be too hard on yourself. we all make mistakes, but what counts is how we deal with the aftermath. If we learn one lesson from our mistakes, then all is not lost. It is unfortunate that you were undoubtedly a target by a dubious person. But just remember that you are good stuff, and that you can still overcome that obstacle by believing in yourself. Take care. I will be thinking of you.

Old 02-25-2010, 07:55 PM   #4
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justmel30 HB User
Re: Will I ever find a new "normal"?

I changed my username from afraidofdying to justmel30. Thankyou ladies for your kind responses. It's easy for me to sit hear and type in words of encouragement to others going through tough times. And pretty much I say the same thing over and over. Be kind to yourself, dont lose faith, that sort of thing. And I mean it every time i say it. It's just harder to put it into practice when it's you. But I hear what you are saying, and thankyou. I haven't felt like "good stuff" in a while. But I'm trying. And I'm hoping I get there. I have learned many lessons and I NEVER want to make the same mistakes, nor do I want to see anyone else make them. So baby steps it is! Going to bed now so I can face my tomorrow. Again, thankyou.

Old 03-10-2010, 12:46 PM   #5
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: PA
Posts: 103
Pittsburgh_Flye HB UserPittsburgh_Flye HB User
Re: Will I ever find a new "normal"?

I agree that normal can be're already well on your way to it. You were thrown a heck of a curve ball in life with the loss of your husband and you did what you did...can't undo it. But recognizing it all, and not repeating it, is how you can make it better.

You are realizing the hurt you inadvertently put everyone (including yourself) through while you were trying to cope. So, OK, you didn't make the best decisions in some regards but none of what you did is so damaging it can't be reversed.

You are rebuilding a relationship with 3 children that you will ALWAYS share with your husband, no matter what, and their love will help you. You are going to have another blessing in your life that you will love and cherish, even if how that child got here isn't under your now ideal circumstances.

I think just getting back on an acceptable emotional track will help everyone, including your father. I am so sorry for what you are going through but you're certainly not too late to make amends! I wish you all the best as you work toward your new normal.

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