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It's my fault.

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Old 05-29-2010, 11:22 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 3
dontcare HB User
I'm a total loser.

This is how I'm feeling right a total loser.

I didn't grow up with an eating disorder. I don't even know if I really have one.

I grew up with a mom who was obsessed with her looks. For some reason, it never rubbed off on me. I always knew my biological mom didn't love me, and I think that's why.

I was adopted when I was seventeen by another family; sweetest, kindest people in the world. My adopted mom is overweight. That does not bother me in the slightest; but it bothers her. Since I've known her (about 8 years now), I've heard her constantly talk about how fat she is, how she hates that she's fat, et cetera. I think that has really rubbed off on me. I seriously never had a problem growing up, but, at the same time, I don't want to say that it's her influence.

Anyway, I still didn't have a problem, I think, but I started having thoughts of "I'm fat; I'm ugly; I'm worthless..."

I hated it. It's not me!

I still didn't have a problem.

A couple of years ago, my little sister died. It was unexpected; and she was like my baby. I didn't know what to do--I was completely devastated.

I think that's where it all started. I couldn't keep anything down for about 10 days after she died. I lost about 35 pounds in those 10 days. I was a pretty healthy person, I think--5'4", 140 pounds. After the 10 days, I was at about 105 pounds.

My mom told me to weigh myself one day. I hadn't even realized I had lost weight; nor did I care. When I saw '105' on the scale, it scared me. I started eating, but it has taken nearly 2 years to get to 135.

In the months that followed my sister's death, I had to go back to college to keep a scholarship. I found myself not able to eat much at all, and puking anytime I felt sad about her death (which was often).

Now, a couple years later, I'm back to about 135 pounds. I lie and tell people I weigh 140.

I feel so ugly and fat and worthless. I hate myself. I don't know what to do anymore, and I don't think I care that much anymore.

I don't care about food. I can't really taste it anymore, and it just gives me a stomachache, anyway. It is pointless to eat. All it does is make me feel sick or fat.

If I eat, I just drink smoothies most of the time. At least I don't have to think about it. I don't have to chew it.

I don't even know if this constitutes an eating disorder. I am just sick of myself, I was lying awake, and thought I wanted to say these things somewhere. No one around me would care to hear any of this. If I talked to my mom, she would either be disgusted because all she can see is how fat she is, and how dare I think I'm fat; or, she would freak out and think I'm too thin. She thinks I'm too thin, anyway.

Other people say I'm fine, but I looked online at a fat-indexing computation thing, and it says I should be worried about my weight.

Sorry to even post this. I think I'll delete it tomorrow.

I don't see how anyone could see anything worthwhile in me.

Last edited by mod-anon; 05-30-2010 at 03:27 AM. Reason: merging posts

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Old 05-29-2010, 11:57 PM   #2
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 3
dontcare HB User
It's my fault.

I posted another post in the eating disorder section, but really, I think my problem is guilt in general.

When my sister died, it was my fault. It was my watch. My parents were out, I was supposed to care for my siblings. I checked on everyone but her, and then I watched TV.

It's my fault. I should have checked on her. I know I should have checked on her.

She was only two. She was caught in the safety rail. I should have checked on her.

When my dad found her, I helped give CPR. It wasn't enough. It was too late because I didn't check on her. I watched TV instead.

I hate myself. It's been two years, but the guilt never ceases. It never will. It never should.

Old 05-30-2010, 03:11 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 969
justmel30 HB User
Re: I'm a total loser.

Your grieving! And there is not set time limit to the process. When my husband died, I couldn't hold anything down and I lost a bunch of weight, even though I was pregnant. It's been two years for me now and the greif manifested in other didn't stay with the eating. I think you really need to talk to someone.......but not family. Somebody who can be more objective, rather then someone with any personal attatchment. I also think that it may have turned into an eating disorder for you, but that it's more situational. I think once you realize that it wasn't your fault your sister is gone, that it's not your fault you mom gave you up for adoption, and it's not your fault that your adoptive mom has issues with her weight, I think you will be able to walk away with a greater appreciation for yourself, and allow yourself nourishment. I it has less to do with a weight issue for you, and more of a self deprivation because you dont feel like you deserve any better issue. But you do deserve better. Much much better. So please find somebody to talk to. I think you could benefit substantially, even though I think you feel like nobody would even want to listen. I think you will be pleasantly surpriised!

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