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Lost my Mom a month ago

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Old 07-23-2010, 02:33 PM   #1
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Lost my Mom a month ago

My dear Mom passed away a month ago at the age of 95. She was a wonderful woman, my best friend. She had been sliding downward for six years with crippling arthritis and dementia. During that time she was in a care center 10 hours away from us. We would go to visit as often as we could. My older sister lived nearby and was able to visit every few days. Mom was taken very good care of but, of course, I missed her all the time. Especially when she could no longer talk on the phone. So I have been mourning this slow loss for a number of years.

We were with her the week before she passed as it was her birthday. We knew she was growing weaker. But the last day, before we left, we had a wonderful visit. She seemed calmer, seemed to know me and enjoy my company. We listened to music and just had time together. She passed away four days after we came home. When my sister called, we were just so shocked because it seemed so...well, not unexpected but just the same shock it would always be. Her service was beautiful as was the time with my family.

Here's my problem - I keep thinking I should be ok because, after all, she was ready to go and I had a long time to get used to losing her. Like I said, I had already been missing her so much. But since I've been home, I just feel like I can't get my life started again. I miss her so much. I'm so sad that she was alone when she passed though I've understood that happens more often than not. I just wish I could have been with her. I am glad for her that she is free from this body that had finally given out but I didn't realize that I would be so...I don't know, broken, I guess. I'm just so tired and don't want to go back to work in the fall (I'm a teacher) and just blah. Then I find myself just crying at the littlest thing. I know it's all normal but what keeps getting to me is that I knew this was coming, I hardly cried at first. So I feel like I should just be keeping on without a lot of fuss.

Guess this all sounds kinda stupid.

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Old 07-23-2010, 02:40 PM   #2
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Re: Lost my Mom a month ago

It does not sound stupid at all. And I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad nearly 30 years ago now and I still cry over it and feel the loss deeply.

Grieving is individual, and even though on a logical level you may have "expected" this to happen, emotionally you very likely were simply busy loving your Mom. She wasn't gone then- it made more sense for you to use your emotion to love her and be with her. Had you started processing losing her before she died, you might have pulled away from her as a response. You didn't do that, and that is actually wonderful because you were able to spend time with her up to the very end.

I am sorry you weren't able to be with her when she passed. I know that must hurt, and I would feel the same as you about it. But I'm sure your mom doesn't blame you. Odds are that she is looking upon you hoping that you will stop blaming yourself.

Please give yourself a break. Everybody grieves differently and there is no "right" or "wrong" to grieving. We just have to do it, at our own pace, in our own way.

I hope this helps.


Old 07-23-2010, 05:16 PM   #3
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Re: Lost my Mom a month ago

Thanks Dee. It does help. Sometimes I can be logical and get it. Sometimes I feel like I should be hurting more - which doesn't make any sense, I know. When Mom was in her 80's she came to visit me and stay for a month at least. Right then I knew I was going to slow down to her pace and enjoy our time together so that I would have no regrets in the future. I don't have any regrets beyond wishing I was there. But knowing the kind of woman she was, she may have kept on keeping on as long as any of us were around. She loved her family so much as we loved her. I was born when she was 37 and she was always afraid she would die before I was grown up. Needless to say, she was finally able to put that idea at rest about 30 years ago!

Thanks for answering. It does me good to talk about her.

Old 07-24-2010, 07:10 PM   #4
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Re: Lost my Mom a month ago

Hi Scribytoo

I lost my mom 3 months ago and am feeling a bit like you. She was only 73 and we had lost my little brother only 9 months before her. He had a rare illness and we had time to make the mom suffered through losing her youngest child and yet emulated such grace in doing so.

And then while still grieving for my brother my mom discovered when falling on a suitcase handle and checking for a broken rib that she had Biliary Duct Cancer that was in her liver as well.

It knocked the wind out of us....and within 2 months she was gone.

But she went so gracefully and on her own terms.

I cry for her like today when I was making her banana bread for the first time since losing her and as I did forgetting if there were 1 or 2 eggs and wanting to call her and knowing that I couldn't.

It's my birthday this week and my dad arrived today to spend it with me driving from PA. I miss mom and know that he is here with me knowing that....she already gave me a birthday present in a way that only would come from her.

In the past my mother in law, who I do love dearly, often oversteps her boundaries by coming for a visit even when it was inconvenient for me. She came many times for my birthday when my mom wanted to be with me and my mom gracefully bowed out.

This time when I told my MIL that I was having my dad in for my birthday and she wanted to come as well and seemed to be pulling the same Shenanigans she called back a few days later saying that she was coming a few weeks later.

I KNOW that my mom intervened from above to make sure that I had the birthday that I needed with my dad.....I could hear her saying that what she couldn't do for me on earth she can easily do from up above.

Be open to receiving your mother's will come in different ways and you will feel it.

I miss talking to my mom and being able to pick up the phone and hear her voice on the other end. But I am finding such comfort in the memories we made together....there are so many of them to pull from and which will always be here with me until we are together again.

I hope that you get some comfort from what I have shared. I am here for you if you need to talk some more.

I do find talking about my mom really helps me get through the difficult days.

And having the wonderful family and friends that I do really helps too.

So give yourself permission to grieve.....everyone goes at their own pace. My church has a bereavement group that will be meeting in the fall. I am thinking about attending because it will help to be amongst others who have suffered a loss who understand how difficult it is.

Sending you lots of (((HUGS))) from another who lost a very special mom.

Love ~ Ivory

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