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reyrey71 12-12-2010 08:02 PM

grief process
Little back round I was separated/alienated from my grandmother who had alzheimers since 04. I would call the house and my uncles/aunts would not let me talk to her and they were extremely verbally abusive to me it didnt stop me I kept calling for my grandmother.

This past oct 28th to be exact I had a strange feeling something wasnt right. I looked at local paper for the town she lived and sure enough she passed away on 10/16/10 and had her funeral services on 10/20/10. I am beyond angered my family did not tell me of her passing and give me the chance to say my goodbyes.

Issues coming up now are alot of anger from what my family has done to me and how my heart was yanked out of my chest losing my grandmother. My bf and I have been having issues I been pushing him away - I mean im not purposely doing it - but my family sure as hell drove a message right through my heart that I wasnt good enough to be there my on blood and its hard for me to let others be there now with that message burning my heart and ears. My bf's parents got on me saying how I am causing him so much pain - i asked my bf to leave because I didnt want to lose my temper and i wanted to spare a unnessecary fight. just enough time for me to calm down and recollect myself but his family makes me feel like i already feel guilty for not being at my grandmothers funeral and I need more...what about what I am going through and not to mention with the loss of my grandmother I also lost my entire family and i have no where to turn.

i mean is it uncommon to push ppl away after a death of someone close? I mean in my head is that fear he will leave now...i have tons of abandonment issues and my grams death is surfacing them all....but they make me feel wrong.

Seraph 12-12-2010 11:02 PM

Re: grief process
It is not uncommon to push people away after any trauma, not only death. You are facing so many issues at the moment, and these are overwhelming you. Can you talk to a grief counsellor or trusted clergyman, doctor, therapist? This is a lot to try to handle on your own. Be clear with your partner that what you are dealing with has bowled you over, and that you need time/space to cope. Do not shut him out tho, you are in the long haul together for these bad times as well as the good. Ignore his insensitive family, what is wrong with some people?? Write down everything that you would have liked to say to your grandmother, and your memories of her. Do not waste anger on the aunts and uncles, they are nothing to you. This is between you and your grandma. Sera.

reyrey71 12-12-2010 11:51 PM

Re: grief process
I am trying to go through hospice for therapy. I did go to one session and he basically broke down what I would be up against. The pushing people away part wasn't on the list. I was absorbing alot of information which is hard in a time like this. I am waiting to get in for another appt.

Thing with my bf and let me own up to my wrongs I confuse him quite honestly. I ask him to go when I really want him to stay. I have in my head he is going to leave me now. I mean it was easy for rest of my family to do why not him. Then when he goes I get mad and want him back with me. So I am sure I am sending him mixed signals. not purposely alot of this is very confusing to me - my head is mush. i cant tell you from one minute to the next where I will be on the roller coaster of emotions. I am forgetting things I need to do. I can't sleep, concentrate, relax feel really anxious and reaaaaaaaaly sad or just really numb that this isnt happening. It's alot to process and my family has been preparing for her passing over the years and with help and support of hospice. it would be nice to have support i just dont know how to accept it - there is such a war in my head saying i dont deserve it because all my family has instilled in my head with negative comments. Thats the part I need to figure out my family has really distorted my thoughts on that. I know its not good to hold onto the anger for my family in fact I pray for them. I give it to God to deal with so it does not eat me up inside and cause more problems.

I am trying to figure out a memorial that I can make for my gram that way I do get to say everything I wanted and my goodbyes. I know in my heart she knows the truth now that I did call over the yrs/emails asking about her I never stopped caring she knows that as she know free from the horrible disease that took her life.

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