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Don't know how to live...

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Old 03-18-2011, 11:25 PM   #1
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Westchester, NY
Posts: 1
john0523 HB User
Don't know how to live...

My beloved father was killed in a horrific car accident, in Rhode Island, the day before my 48th birthday. Since my dad's death I am in constant pain. Never thought I would say this but I sometimes feel life is not worth living, without my dad. However, I am not suicidal! I want to live but sometimes I feel like if I didn't wake up tomorrow if might be easier. I wouldn't make it happen but I might not fight it. I am having a hard time functioning without my dad! I feel cheated and lost! I miss him so much and it is not getting better.

I also lost my mother at age 8 after a long illness and hospitalization. As you can imagine, this was devastating! There were no resources to deal with our pain, we just never spoke of it. I find myself envious of children today, they have so many resources available. Dont get me wrong, it pleases me that there is help for children and others in this day and age, it just pains me that I didn't have any of this. Clearly me, my father and my 3 young siblings could have used any help when my mom died in 1967.

I am a 50 year old, stay at home mom, with a 10 year old boy. I love my son dearly but I have way too much time to be sad. Throughout my life I have battled depression, eating disorders and other self destructive behaviour. I have gone through many types of treatment and I have enjoyed long periods of living life with happiness in between my depression bouts.

I have always been a very high functioning, depressed, individual but since losing my father I have been struggling for any joy. This has been going on since May 2008 but continues to get worse. I find myself avoiding things I used to enjoy. I stay home with nothing to do, I don't shower when I should and I spend hours watching crime shows. For some strange reason, seeing others having a harder life then me, makes me feel slightly better or more normal. I put on a good show when need be but inside I am wasting away!

I've tried to be very pro-active in finding help for myself but have hit many road blocks. I've been through 3 therapist that were all nice but not a good fit for me. I told my last therapist that, I felt, I needed a bereavement group and she thought this was a great idea. We agreed that I would stop seeing her about a month ago. Since then I have poured myself into finding a group. I have been shocked that I didn't qualify to join any of the groups, that I have sourced so far, because it wasn't within a year of losing my dad. That has been heartbreaking because the first year my daddy was gone I was completely incapable of seeking help. I was literally paralyzed with grief!

I see my physician regularly and am in general good health. She has tried hard to get me on anti depressants and to guide me to a good mental place but I have yet to achieve any continual happiness. We have tweaked meds but lately I just stopped taking them. Long story, was away forgot med, they werent available, just havent known where to start again! I desparately want to survive and feel happy. I call all these places, my girlfriend literally grills me on an hourly basis on my progress (God Bless her she cares so much) and then I get nowhere. I cant tell you how many times I have poured my heart out only to be shut, or shot, down.

Want help but don't know where to turn!


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