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her first birthday away...

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Old 05-14-2011, 09:50 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2011
Location: United States
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rainbow245 HB User
her first birthday away...

seven weeks ago, two days after i turned 29, my mother died very suddenly at the age of 48. tomorrow, may 15th, is her birthday.

she'd been sick for so long, but this really was unexpected. i found her myself, she was alone with my children, my father, brother and grandfather had all gone to a fantasy baseball draft like it was any other saturday. my first two calls, one to my husband and the other to my brother, were hysterical, but as soon as i dialed 9-1-1, i went into auto-pilot and remained there for several weeks.

my relationship with my mother had been rocky for a number of years. just before i met my now husband, we reconciled and have since become best friends again. in the weeks following my mother's death, i had to become "the strong one" for everyone else, the new family Matriarch before i even turned 30. heck, i was barely 29. i now have 4 generations to care for, and i'm losing my mind already.

with each passing minute, as i type, the hour comes closer to midnight. my children are away for the weekend, one with my mother-in-law and the other at girl scout camp, but when they come home in the afternoon we're going to have a little party, then go to the park and "send" grandma some balloons. i got the idea from a Motherless Daughters workshop i attended last saturday, where i was the youngest in the room.

i feel so lost. there have been so many moments when i thought of something i wanted to tell her, so i picked up the phone... just to put it down again. sure, my dad would have answered, but it's not the same. just last april we lost my husband's 25 year old brother, also very suddenly, and i hadn't gotten to fully grieve for him yet, so i feel so overwhelmed at times that i could scream.

i feel angry and confused. i feel let down, in a way, and sometimes i feel a little guilty for the things we didn't do because i was too busy. i hurt, but in a numb way that's coated in disbelief. it's like when a runner twists his ankle but keeps running because the adrenaline dulls the pain... i know i'm in agony but it hasn't hit me with its full force just yet, because i haven't finished running.

there's a huge hole in me. tomorrow is going to be brutal. i guess i wanted to introduce myself, share my story, and hope to find a friend. i only have one other close friend who has lost her mother, and she's my age to the day, so we both know how unfair it is.

well... hello...

The following 2 users give hugs of support to: rainbow245
emeraldsea (05-19-2011),Izzyconrad2 (05-19-2011)
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Old 05-14-2011, 10:18 PM   #2
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Ivorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB User
Re: her first birthday away...

Hi Rainbow......I wanted to welcome you and tell you that I totally understand.

I lost my dear sweet mom just a little over a year ago, only 9 months after losing my youngest brother.

Like you, I still go to pick up that phone to talk to my mom and miss that soo very much.

Her birthdays and especially Mother's Day are the hardest......I feel such a void without her and so wish we had some more time together.

I so get it, what you describe......right down to the Matriarch role of trying to keep the family going. And somehow it's so difficult to fill her shoes....she was at every celebration and it's just not the same without her.

It does get better but I just returned from a winetasting party with friends and there were three of us who had lost our mom's and one was describing how difficult Mother's Day is for her and when I asked how long it had been since she lost her mom she told me it was 12 years.

So, I guess we will always have that void.....I thought it was because it was still so new to me but hearing a friend telling me it was 12 years and her feeling the same made me realize that we shall always miss our moms no matter how much time may go by.

I do the balloons too on my mom's birthday and anniversary of her death.

On her birthday I did things that she liked to do in honor of her and it really helps.

I wish I could say more to make you feel better.

There is a saying, "The more you love, the more you grieve."

I find that to be so true but I also find myself comforted by the many memories that mom and I shared.

And when I feel sad somehow one of those memories comes along and makes me laugh or smile.

I know my mom is still very much near me and in times I really need to feel her near something happens that I KNOW that she doesn't happen all the time just when I really need a hug or sign that she is there for me.

I am open to receiving that sign and it comes in the most remarkable ways.

If you have faith and open yourself enough, I am sure that you will feel your mother near you too.

Please know that you are not alone in your loss and if you need to talk or share I will be happy to help in anyway I can.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Ivory

Old 05-19-2011, 07:15 AM   #3
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Re: her first birthday away...

I know how you feel i lost my dad at age 16 from cancer. 2 weeks after my grandpa died and my other grandpa was in the hospital because he died for 13 mins. I was really bad for a while and i kinda keep to myself. It`s really hard. I felt the same way you did. I was very angry and sad. I was always sad because after he got the cancer we started to fight and we never got along that well since then and i felt bad because i never had a chance to say goodbye. We had a week notice before he died but it didn`t hit me till i got the phone call at school. It`s really hard losing a parent and it`s made me grow up. I had to do other things most children didnt have to before my age. I had to help my mom more. It made me mature and showed me how the world could be. I`ve grown up alot since then. It`s been almost 2 years now. I still feel the pain every once in a while. So i look at old photographs and think about the good times. My dad`s Bday is next week. I wish i had a grave to visit him at. I`ll be your friend. It gets better i promise. Just think of the good times. Good Luck.

Old 05-19-2011, 11:42 AM   #4
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Re: her first birthday away...

rainbow...You and I have already responded to each other's posts on the thread about my mom ("losing mom"), but I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am about your mom...Our mothers died about the same time in March, so this is still very new for both of us, and I know what you're going through right now, and my heart aches for you because I know exactly how you're feeling. Losing a mother is really a transformative experience, because no matter how old one is, suddenly we feel like a 5 year old who has lost their mom, but now, as you said, we have become the matriarch in our family (that is so weird, isn't it?). I know you feel that you have a lot on your shoulders now because of that, but I wouldn't worry too much about it...Over time, everything will fall into place as it's meant to within your family. The family dynamics have changed to be sure, but it will all work out in time...It just takes everyone some time to adjust. I know in my own family, we all feel like we're off balance without my mom, and I don't know how long it will take before this feeling goes away, if ever.

You said that you feel like there is a huge hole in you now, and that you feel guilty about some things...That is totally normal. I feel the same way too...Try not to do that to yourself, because the "why's", "why not's", and the "could have been's" will make you crazy. I completely understand that because I feel the same way about my mom, too...I wish that I had some brilliant words of wisdom that would help you get through this, but I don't. This is one of those experiences that we just have to get through day by day the best way that we know how. Just know that even though your mom is no longer here, she will always be with you, and that she would want you to find your way through this and to have a happy life.

I also understand what you said about having others to talk to about this who have also lost their moms...I'm almost 50, and amazingly, I'm one of the few people that I know who is my age that has lost their mom, so I know how you feel, and that is why this message board is such a great thing...You can find others here who are going through or who have gone through what you are going through. Hang in there, remember that you aren't alone, and that there are others who really do understand and are willing to listen.

Take good care-
Sending hugs your way...

Last edited by emeraldsea; 05-19-2011 at 01:31 PM.

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