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I am still grieving my sisters death

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Old 06-07-2011, 11:59 PM   #1
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I am still grieving my sisters death

In a family of three sisters, we were spread apart in age. I am the oldest, and had a tremendous bond with my baby sister. Our middle sister was independent.
When my sister passed away 3 yrs ago this week, at 30 my family was devastated. My children were inconsolable, as were myself and husband. We took care of all the arrangements with some of her close friends and had a lovely funeral, my other didn't contribute. My parents attended as we did, we flew in from across the country. While my other sister stayed home 2 states away to attend another function with her friends.

I fell into a clinical deep depression, I was riddled with guilt over what could have been. The sister I lost was truly a sparkly of light in every life she touched. Her death broke my heart, it crushed to my soul. It was like drowning in air each day was a swim to reach the top.
I was just coming out of it some and my father was diagnosed with Cancer last yr. He now lives with my family.
My mom was put in a nursing home. Then this spring she became unexpectedly became engaged and planned a June wedding.

That's right, 2 days after the anniversary of our sisters death she is getting married. I am a wreck. I don't understand why you wouldn't wait a week or do it another month for that matter. <The sister that passed on> deserves the respect to have her memory preserved not disregarded. I have been falling into a worse depression ever since I found out about this wedding, I am not going to that wedding. It is out of my emotional comfort zone. I am so upset. I just keep crying over it. How could our own sister forget her death and have a rehearse wedding dinner on the day Brenda died? Am I way over sensitive or is this just wrong. She just planned this wedding. It's only been 3 years, to have it on the same weekend is a bit much.

I still grieving and she forgot when her sister died or doesn't care? Which one is worse who knows. I just want my sister to never be forgotten. And to overshadow her memory with your wedding, says to me your are really self centered. But I am so sad, and upset. I don't know how to wrap my head around this. If you can help please give any support. It is appreciated.

Last edited by Administrator; 12-22-2011 at 09:17 AM. Reason: removed names

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Old 06-08-2011, 04:38 AM   #2
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Re: I am still grieving my sisters death

Oh honey,

I have so been in your shoes with my fathers sudden death 15 years ago, I still have the biggest void in my heart for him, he was my best friend besides my hubby.

Here is a big hug........your sister is looking down on you like my daddy is and would not want you to hurt. She IS watching you, and would not want you to hurt like that. Grieving is normal. YOU vent anytime you is normal.

Just remember YOU Are not alone. I have a very dysfunctional family, love them but they are not their for my mother whom is ill and will not get better. I try to be strong, but without this board, I don't know where I would be, afraid to say.

Here is a hug sis.........and remember your sister Brenda would NOT want to you hurt...........

Himmylover-named after my Himalayan...........harley devilson...........LOL.

Old 06-08-2011, 08:59 PM   #3
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Re: I am still grieving my sisters death

Thank you so much for your empathy and kindness. To know that someone knows what I am going through is immense comfort. I am truely sorry for your loss. To think that my own parents didn't even remember what today was, until I said something, is nauseating. She is never out from my thoughts.
If I sound angry its because I am. My sister called home, the evening she passed, asking for help. My parents didn't respond nor did they convey the call to anyone else. I was just, I am just still looking for the phone call that doesn't come. I pick up the phone in that split second an exceptional moment happens to share it with her. She was exceptional and we were so alike. it is scarey to have her gone.

Last edited by juliak; 06-08-2011 at 09:00 PM.

Old 06-09-2011, 12:51 AM   #4
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Re: I am still grieving my sisters death

Dearest Juliak,

Please allow me to offer my deepest sympathy for you as you grieve for you sister..she must have been lucky to have a sister who loved her as you did. You are both lucky to have such a strong and deep sisterly love.

As for your other sister, forget her for now. This is not the time to have to deal with her in any way. She is acting with only herself in mind, and she will have to live with that herself. Please do not feel you owe her any explanations for missing her wedding. I would simply mark the invitation with a zero for number of guests from your family attending and leave it at that. If she were to question your reasons for not attending, simply say you cannot attend for personal reasons. That is it. She can figure it our herself, but it sounds as if she could care or less anyway. Please forgive me for being so abrupt, but I have a sister that could pass as yours and I have had to let her go from my life. For now, you will have to do the same, for you are not able to handle any added pressure or pain. Protect yourself first.

AS you can probably tell, I missed the chance to have the special bond of sisterhood, as my only sister has not allowed me into her life either. As many times in my life that I have tried to reach out, to try and make a relationship where there was no hope for one, I understand. it has broken my dear mothers heart as well.

We all have our own time to grieve, and no one can take that away from that, or should they. I only hope you can keep the beauty of your sister in your heart above all else. Of course there is pain, but please keep it there for the loss of what could have been, and not for your other sisters actions. Let Tina go, as she is not worth the pain she is inflicting on you, no matter if she is aware of it or not. One day you may be able or willing to re-visit that relationship, but it is not now.

I think her choice to plan her wedding on that date is awful. Whatever her reasons are, shame on her. Are you married? If so, I hope your husband is strongly behind you, and there to protect you.

Please feel free to release your feelings here, where it is safe for you. We are here to listen and to help you. There will be no judgement, just support and comfort for you who so deeply need and deserve it. Many of us are here everyday, and I for one will be glad to see you through this time, standing by your side offering you my hand to hold tight.

I hope you find that letting go of your anger and pain is helpful to you. It is often very good to let it all out. Vent your feelings however you like to. We are here for you, and will be day or night.

I am very happy you chose to come here for help and I only hope we can offer you the support and love you need.

With love,

Last edited by writeleft; 06-09-2011 at 12:53 AM.

Old 12-16-2011, 11:24 AM   #5
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Re: I am still grieving my sisters death

I understand your feelings . Lost a beloved sister last year. It has been three years and your middle sister is not choosing the same day. I would let it go. She now is your only sister. You need to take the good with the bad. Sometimes I feel that I am mourning more than other members of my family. Relationships and bonds are all different. Your middle sister will never replace the one you lost, that is tue....but you can forge perhaps a tighter bond with the one who is living.

Old 12-16-2011, 11:59 AM   #6
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Re: I am still grieving my sisters death

Pls. know it is hard, and it is a shame what we have to concur in life. I hate it for I think is was not my fathers time................I miss him so...........write always helps to talk to someone else about it too...


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Old 12-21-2011, 10:57 PM   #7
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Re: I am still grieving my sisters death

my deepest sympathies for your loss
we all know that everyone grieves in a different way ,for some life stands still and they are taken over by the grief,others seem to carry on as normal and are unable to face it,
and although we know this we are still upset if someone close dosnt react the same way as us
you are guesing that your sister dosnt care because of her attitude but it cauld be the opposit
they do say that those who dont show it are sometimes hurting the most
please dont let this tradgedy cause a rift between you and your sister

Old 12-22-2011, 10:34 AM   #8
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Re: I am still grieving my sisters death

I have so much empathy in your loss. I have a sister I am closer to than the other just because we are more alike, so I can relate. I still miss my dad and he passed away when I was very young. It never goes away. It was such a short time that I had him here in my life. A brother passed away when I was young, too, but it was much easier since I hardly knew him.

Death is about the harshest part of life. We all deal with it the best we can. To go on, some of us put it out of our minds. I personally never remember the dates of death or create an anniversary of a death date. To me anniversaries are celebrations and I can't celebrate a death. I only remember people being alive and I have wonderful thoughts of some, and not so much of others. It doesn't diminish that person, what they meant to me, who they were when alive. I don't go to grave sites except when someone else passes on.

You cherished that one sister, and the other not as much because you were different. That's the norm. But please don't hurt her by ignoring her wedding because she isn't like you or the other sister.

Being the person you described, I think the sister that is gone would want you to be happy in your memories of her, to look forward to being together again someday, and keep on enjoying family and life. Don't you think she would want you to happy? I don't think we can put a value judgment on how people deal with death. I don't at all think having a wedding three years later denigrates your sister's death. I think it is an honor to have been invited and that you would do well to go and to dwell on the living sister's happiness. I think your absent sister would want this.

Last edited by YaYagirl; 12-22-2011 at 10:41 AM.

Old 02-27-2012, 07:56 AM   #9
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Re: I am still grieving my sisters death

Well I deeply sympathize with you. I lost my older brother too. My parents were really sad about it, but through therapies they are a lot better..but I get reminded of my brother a lot of times and go into depression, but I am glad my
parents don't suffer from that. I think there is another way of looking at things.
What I am gently trying to say is that be glad she is able to overcome the pain due to the loss and her way of dealing with such serious harsh painful things is different. Aren't you happy that she is holding together and not broken down.
After losing a child and almost losing a husband..she probably is miserable and
she does not show it to you. She has a different coping mechanism I guess.

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