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tmwright 06-23-2011 10:07 PM

My 38 yr old wife passed May 16th...
We have a two and one year old. We had our son the end of Jan 2010 and in May 2010 she was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma. They really didn't think she'd make it to Christmas, but by then 85% had gone away and we celebrated! By the end of Jan, it was back in her stomach and by April, she was going quickly. She passed May 16th, kinda unexpected at the hospital at 6:27pm with me holding her hold. We never had hospice as I took care of her and the kids. She was the love of my life, my best friend and friends to many. She had over 350 people at her funeral "celebrating" her life.

Now for me, I have bad days and worse days. I can't stop crying, I don't want to live (but I have our two children so I have too) but I don't like them seeing my cry all the time. They're so young, they don't know what happened. I've been reading books about the afterlife by people like John Edward, James Van Praagh and Sylvia Browne and they actually make me feel better about how she'd be around watching us etc... but I can't shake the pain.

I realize it's only been 38 days, but the pain is unbearable and my desire to live and be happy hasn't changed. I'm going to seek help from the hospice grief groups, but I'd love to know if anyone out there can give me some insight on how they made it through this. I don't like being alone (adult company) and I want to be happy around my kids. I've tried thinking of the happy memories we shared, but it always hits me hard in the end. Is there something else I can try that worked for others?

Any help is greatly appreciated!

Ivorygirl 06-30-2011 11:52 AM

Re: My 38 yr old wife passed May 16th...
So sorry to hear about the loss of your dear wife, your friend, your partner and the mother to your two young children.

It isn't easy, losing somebody so dear and important in your life.

My loss was of my youngest brother at the age of 46 just 2 years ago and then my dear mom only 9 months later.

And still, I grieve for them, it's a bit better and I try to honor them by living in the way that they did by celebrating life and all it has to offer. By doing so it is a tribute to their lives and something I KNOW they would like me to do.

I would expect that your dear wife would wish for you to do so for your two little ones bringing her life and love of life into their lives in such a way.

It isn't easy but it will allow you to refocus your grief into something of a gift that your dear wife would like for you and your dear children to have.

Memories are what help me many of them to pull from that help me through the difficult moments and often bring a smile to my face.

I don't know if you have a faith, I do, and it was a bit shaken but seemed to be what seems to help me through.

I shared with another poster here the gift of my journey with my brother....we both had a deep faith and were given the gift of time in order to make this journey of love together as he was called Home.

Here is the link to my post which will describe what that was like and how I do believe in the afterlife and the ability of our loved ones to remain with us even after they have passed on.

I hope that it will help you as well.

Some people find it helpful to attend a bereavement group at their church or within their community. It sure helps to be able to talk to others who are going through something similar as you making you feel less alone.

Coming here helps too or there are counselors who specifically deal with Grief.

It is so soon since your wife's death, you need to give yourself permission to grieve. The "firsts" are the most difficult but as much time as may pass still you will miss your dear wife.

My SIL & ex-SIL's who lost my brother have 6 children and they find that focusing on the kids and actively talking about my brother to keep his love and legacy alive helps out tremendously.

It would be good for you to do the same.

Hospice was actively involved with my brother and his family and does offer some great support to the family afterwards.

I would think that would be a good start for you.....through hospice you will find other spouses grieving the loss of their husbands/wives and there is something healing knowing that you are not alone in such situations.

I hope that things get's okay to grieve and you will at your own pace.

The loss and void will always be there, however, it is important that you continue to live and love your children as you and your wife had vowed to do once you married and had your family.

I find that getting together with family allows me to feel my mom and brother's physical presence.....the hugs we give one another bring them to life in a way that is healing.

Hug your kids and love them and you will see your dear wife live on in them in a remarkable way.

And they will see the same when you hug them too.

Sending you ((((HUGS)))) to help you through those difficult days.

Keep posting and know that you are not alone in your grief.

~ Ivory :angel::wave:

walkingtall 06-30-2011 05:39 PM

Re: My 38 yr old wife passed May 16th...
Find a grieving class, find a local group of grieving fathers in your area. Everyone grieves differently. Think of all the mothers who have to raise thier babies because they lost thier husbands in the war. There is strength in numbers. Those babies need you. I raised three on my own and it was no walk in the park but I did it. You are allowed to grieve and it's ok the kids see you, just make sure they see daddy smile too. Bless your precious heart. Do the best you can for now. Give yourself some time. There is no time frame. Just time...lots of time. (hugs) Your wife was my age so I can't imagine. She wouldn't want you so sad especially for those babies she loves so much and she loved you. She'd want you to take care of yourself and live as if she were right by your side. You don't need John Edwards to tell you what you already know. You feel her near. Talk to her. She listens. I promise ^i^

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