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Grieving for Mom

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Old 08-04-2011, 10:44 AM   #1
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Location: Morgantown, West Virginia, United States
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shdowdncrfaerie HB User
Unhappy Grieving for Mom

My mom passed away at the end of May. She died suddenly from cardiac arrest without seeming to have any signs of distress. She and I had had problems during my teen years (I am 25 now) but what mother/daughter relationship doesn't go through a stressful time? When I moved away and went to college when I was 20, she and I started to fix all of the problems that we had went through and she became my closest friend, even if we still argued a lot. I had just went home and spent a week with my parents and left to go home hours before she went into distress. She seemed absolutely fine when I left, though she apologized for having argued with me (which she and I never did, we just accepted it and moved on). I spent two months with my father, trying to help him get through everything but I don't think that I helped him at all... I feel like he was just passing everything off on me that was originally my mother's duties. I had to leave to go back to my home to start a new job, and I felt so guilty having left him alone. I have three brothers, two of which live about three hours from my dad (I live four hours away) but the third lives only about a half an hour away. But none of them even call, or in the case of the one who lives close, or come for a visit. And I get angry with them for their selfish behavior, because they could at least call every once in a while to find out how dad is doing, but they don't.

I have been in a very dark place since she passed. I have been diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder, or clinical depression) for years. After my mother died, I ran out of my anti-depressants that I have been prescribed for years. In the passed, I suffered with anxiety attacks that I have a record of being treated. After losing my mother, the anxiety came back. When I tried to go to my regular doctor in the middle of June, I was told that I couldn't get an appointment with her. So the doctor I saw temporarily gave me a small amount of medication to handle the anxiety attacks temporarily, but refused to put me back on my anti-depressants because he wasn't sure if that was a good idea. So as well as dealing with my mother's death, I have been battling my increased depression and possible suicidal ideation, and no doctor seems to be willing to help. And I am not sure which way to turn now. I feel like the load I am carrying is just getting heavier and I don't want to do anything stupid... Because I can't let my family go through any further grief, but I am really beginning to fear my mental condition.

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slenderella (08-04-2011)
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:27 AM   #2
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Re: Grieving for Mom

I'm so glad you posted here, looking for help and support.
I am so very sorry that your mom passed away. I can understand the doctor not wanting you to medicate- away your grief, because that is something that you have to go through for your own good mental health, but I think that you need to call the doctor again and be clear that you have suicidal feelings. I believe that will change his mind.
You sound like a lovely, normal 25 year old girl. My daughter is actually 25 also and it's a very young age to lose a parent. I am sad for you. The tough thing about other relatives going through grief, like you, is that we have expectations. I hear you are feeling a lot of guilt: about not being able to help Dad as much as he may need, about
maybe wishing that you didn't fight with Mom as much when you were growing up, but I think the guilt is something that, if you can, you should try with the best of your ability to put aside. Your mother loved you and I bet she was so proud. Don't get hung up on guilt and anger. I bet your Mom wouldn't want that for you.
Take care, honey. I'm praying for all of you.


Old 08-04-2011, 06:14 PM   #3
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Location: Morgantown, West Virginia, United States
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shdowdncrfaerie HB User
Re: Grieving for Mom

Thank you. I know that I do need to move past the guilt, it is just hard. My mother always told me that I have a big heart and that I care for people too much at times. I tend to absorb emotions from those around me, especially the "bad" ones.

The problem with telling my PCP about any suicidal thoughts is the fact that something like that can get you a mandatory 72 hour lockdown in a psychiatric facility or hospital. I was a psych major in school, so I am pretty familiar with procedures. And I don't feel like I need drastic measures such as that. I just cannot understand why they would take me off my medication, suddenly, just when my mother passed away. I've been on it for years. Now was the worst time to remove me from my medication. If I were wanting to start medication now, that would be one thing. But up until the day of my mother's funeral, I took anti-depressants every day for the last ten years (more or less). Just didn't seem like an intelligent decision on the part of my PCP.

Old 08-04-2011, 07:32 PM   #4
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Re: Grieving for Mom

I would have to say that was a very stupid thing for your PCP to do, you don't take anyone off there med's like that, whats he thinking?
I'm one that knows all about anti-depressants, I'm Manic-Bipolar with suicidal tendencies,
My mom my BFF, passed away on Valentines day of this year, she went to sleep and never woke-up, didn't suffer at all and I'm very happy about that,
I still cry everyday for her, we talked at least 2 times a day, and I still can't get it out of my head that I can't pick up the phone and call her,
about your Dad my brother won't even pick up the phone and see how he's doing, I take care of my dad's medical and physical needs!
Believe me when I say what goes around comes around!
If I didn't have my med's I probably wouldn't be here, I hope your docter listens to you, My Prayers are with you,
Remember: " KARMA's a *****!"

Old 08-04-2011, 07:41 PM   #5
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Re: Grieving for Mom

I have no idea what my PCP was thinking... But I'm looking for a new one currently because I cannot stand feeling like this anymore. Every other time in my life when I would hit lows, I would call my mom. But I don't have the option anymore. It's killing me. I try to keep myself busy, but sometimes, you run out of things to do. And that's when it threatens to overcome me.

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Ivorygirl (08-05-2011)
Old 08-04-2011, 08:11 PM   #6
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Re: Grieving for Mom

Hi sorry for your loss.

I soo understand the void you feel having lost your mom and best friend.

I lost my mom a little over a year ago and still yearn to call her. I have been going through some health problems myself and all I want it my mom to be here with me.

So I do understand how you feel.

IT will get better, you will still miss your mom but in time the memories that you have made together will carry you through.

What you need to do now is REALLY focus on YOU and your mental/emotional well being.

I have two daughters and one struggles with depression.

One shouldn't just stop an can sometimes cause seizures depending what med it is.

And it throws things off in terms of the brain chemistry and balance.

You do need to see another doc and preferably a psychiatrist who can monitor you more closely.

It will be difficult to get into one as a new patient since it sometimes takes 2-3 months to get an appt as a new patient.

I would highly recommend that you find a mental health clinic and explain your predicament so that they can see you ASAP.

I know how you fear a psych admission but that isn't always the fact it may be worthwhile to go to your ER and be seen so that you can get on a med ASAP before things do get worse and lead to an admission.

You can also attend an outpatient program that will address your needs and get you more stabilized.

I have found as my daughter does that the longer you wait to address the problem the more lkely it may worsen.

Make sure you get good sleep, eat well, incorporate some exercise into your daily routine and get yourself to a therapist and doctor to help manage your mental health so that your depression can be monitored well.

I am sending you some extra (((HUGS))) and hoping that you will be feeling better soon.

You just lost your mom and you need to give yourself permission to grieve.

Try remembering how precious you were to her and how much she would want you to take care of yourself now.

The best way to honor your mom would be to live your life in a healthy way and loving yourself as much as she did.

And remember, our moms are still very much near us if we are open to seeing that.

Love and lots of (((HUGS))) ~ Ivory

Old 08-07-2011, 03:51 PM   #7
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Re: Grieving for Mom

Hi its Tinkerbell45 here. I read your post and i cried out loud because it is SO similar to my story. My mom died when i was 26 and i felt like i was robbed of the rest of my BEST FRIENDS life,because we were best friends we did EVERYTHING together and like you we talked at least twice a day.I feel SO cheated as i am sure you do too.I hate to say this but i am 46 years old now and i still miss her just like it was yesterday.She also died of a massive heart attack i was with her by myself. Then almost a year and a half ago my father died from stage 4 melanoma. I moved in with him the last 6 months of his life to take care of him.I have 2 sisters and a brother and they were NO help at all.I don't regret taking care of him at all because thats what he wanted and now i have all of those memories that no-one else has.What i want to tell you is that there will be some better days but it DOES take time and it STILL bothers me ALOT at times but i do live with it because there is only one other choice besides staying here and cherishing their memories and i KNOW thats NOT an option for me especially since i have a son whom is 26 now. So i want to tell you that i am ALWAYS here for you PLEASE feel free to drop me a line when you want to i will answer you.Until next time TAKE CARE!!!!

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