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grieving mom's death :0(

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Old 02-28-2012, 02:52 AM   #1
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: New York
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greenstumpie HB User
Unhappy grieving mom's death :0(


I need some advice...i have been having issues with grieving the death of my mom seven years ago from cancer... i feel guilty for not being with her towards the end... i was in a state psychiatric facility/hosp... and couldnt see her as much as i wanted to... the psyxh hosp let me visit her several times during her final hosp visit... where she died two weeks after her admission... i was 19 when she died... she was only 49... this may sound crazy but at times im in major denial of her death... like... almost... it never happened... maybe she is at work... whatever... there are times when i feel like i almost hear the loud roar of her bright blue Oldsmobile... her diagnosis came by accident in a way... you see... she got into a big car accident and went to the hosp due to chest pains... she got a cat scan done along with x rays which unpredictably showed the mass of tumors in her lungs... they said it was stage 4... it kept on spreading... she had a lobe of her lung removed... but it was already too late... the cancer metastasized to her brain... the doc gave her a couple months to live... but it only took weeks aftee months of radiation and chemo... she was my everything... she was really the only person who understood and got my mental illnesses... the self harm... everything... she never judged or was angry when i left collegedue to the mental illness... she was patient... she was kind... and now she is dead... i have never had such a close death in my entire life... the only one that changed it... my father has been nonexistent in my life since i was five years of age... she was all i had (not cpunting my siblings and grandmother)... sometimes i think that i didnt have it as bad as my grandmother... she lost both her firstborn and her only daughter... i often catch my aelf obsessively reading over and over again her obituary... her wake/funeral card... and her death certificate...

What is normal grieving??? My emotions and thpughts are everywhere...

I heard that anger is part of the grieving process... im not angry at my mom persay... more likely the cigarettes she smoked (to relax... she had to raise four kids... near in age since i was five... my sister was 3, my younger brother was one and my older brother was 7... three of us who were disabled...) im more angry at myself... always blaming myself for not throwing the cigarettes away... giving more support at her attempts to stop smoking... and sooo many guilt/angry thoughts/obsessions...

Is there a proper way to grieve...

Is it dishonorable to my mom when i try to push back thoughts, memories, and flashbacks... am i a horrible daughter???
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
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Old 02-28-2012, 03:03 PM   #2
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Re: grieving mom's death :0(

Hello to you...

I came here to write about my parents both passing away 30 days apart, just 3 months ago...but first I read your post and had to respond to you.

First of all, I am sure there is no one correct way to grieve. It is is individual as the relationship was between the two people involved. I don't believe you can do it "wrong" either, maybe there are healthier and more productive ways than others, but it is up to each of us to do it the best way we can. I think it comes down to honoring the persons life and their contribution to your life. I don't think anyone needs or wants anyone to feel terrible pain for ever, following their death, particularly a parent for a child. No parent would want their child to suffer over their loss, as much as they would have wanted to stay here as long as you needed her to, she simply could not. She was called away from this earth, and had to go at the time she did, and there was nothing you or anyone could have done to change the facts.

I am sure the fact thay you were at such a tender age made it all the more difficult for you to overcome her death right away, and may explain the reason you are still coming to terms with it al these years later, Perhaps you simply did not have the skills to deal with it any earlier,,,I dont think the time is the important part, it is that you just do it eventually. Only you will know when you are passed it, if ever.

Now, lets get right past the feelings of fault or self blame for could have not possibly be your fault, it is no ones fault. death does not come with fault, only facts, Of course you are not a bad daughter either, that is out the windoow. Your mother would have never wanted you to feel anything but love from her, she was the one person in this world that loved you completely and with all her heart. She must have never wanted to have to leave you, but hopefully she left you strong enough to know she wanted you to be happy and to work towards that in your life.

I would cherish the memories you have of your mother, and yourself together,,,.the way she did things, and how she was. Always remember she would want you happy. more than anything.

I am a mom, and am living with several life threatening illnesses, and all I can ever hope for is that my two sons can keep me alive in their memories should I have to leave them before I want to. I have worked hard to share all my thoughts and love for them so that they know how I feel every day. After just going through the loss of both my parents, and my sons losing their grandparents who were very close to both of them, we all learned something about life and death. When a person passes on, we loose them in person, but thier memories will never leave us, we can still call on them for advice and help and listed carefully for thier advice,. i always know what my mom or dad would have said if I asked them anything, and that can never be taken away.

I would encourage you to pat yourself on the back for making it without you rmother to guide you through the last years without her, and look forward to a new life for yourself, to make your life wonderful and keeping the memory of her alive in your siblings and grandparents. I hope a little encouragement helps you out. Please leave the guilt and pain out of it, and focus on the good that was left behind,,,

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