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Old 07-24-2012, 04:23 PM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 57
TaraIsGone HB User

Hello - I lost my mother in June. I will spare most of the details but she stopped breathing and then had a heart attack at home. She was brought back but in a vegetative state so we took her off life support. I was very close to her, I was her only child, and she loved, loved, loved my two kids. Her death was not super peaceful. She had breathing issues due to COPD and broken ribs and when they took her off the vent her breathing was very labored and loud and it looked uncomfortable for a while. Eventually she calmed down, but I feel like this whole experience has robbed my of the rest of my innocence. I feel this darkness hanging over me. this whole experience has made me question whether i even believe that God exists, and I feel like I was very close to demons or something very dark when I remember the scary parts of watching her die. I still feel this darkness hanging over me. Sometimes it fades to the background of life and I do have okay moments...even feel semi happy at times, but I am wondering if this feeling goes away.

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Old 07-24-2012, 05:53 PM   #2
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 21
friday49 HB Userfriday49 HB User
Re: Darkness?

It is very hard to lose a mom. I lost mine many years ago and I still miss her. I have never witnessed someone fighting for their life. I have COPD. You know, context is everything. But for me reading your message - having only that to go on - let me say this: we are meant to want to live. I believe God wants us to fight to stay alive. It sounds like your mom fought and then found peace. The fighting disturbed you so it overshadows the fact that you saw she "calmed down after a bit." It is hard to lose a mom. Don't resent her struggle. Don't deny the fight she made. Having COPD demands a fight from us.

Last edited by friday49; 07-24-2012 at 06:59 PM. Reason: spelling

Old 07-25-2012, 10:26 AM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 57
TaraIsGone HB User
Re: Darkness?

I really do not resent her struggle. I think the vent put a lot of fluid in her airway so that it was made her breathing rattly and loud when it was taken out. I don't want to get graphic about it. I think the dark feeling I am talking about is coming more from a place of losing her, not what I have seen (although I do feel like it was traumatic, I would not have been anywhere else but by her side). I have not had someone so close to me ripped away so suddenly. you hear about horrible things happening to people but don't really take time to thing that you might one day have to deal with something so horrible. Now i feel like those horrible things might be lurking just around the corner - that is the darkness (I have no idea if this makes sense, I am not thinking of specific bad things, but death and all of that can happen at any moment, and that idea is very real to me now).

also, I think if it had not been for her broken ribs, she would still be with us. That injury really exacerbated her breathing issues. It created a flare up of sorts and she was having such a hard time catching her breath that she would not be able to speak with me on the phone. And although I think her COPD was much worse than I realized before she died, I believe that she probably would have lived for quite some time still if it had not been for the ribs. I am sorry if the COPD issue brought something up for you.

Just wanted to clarify that. I am not mad or resentful in any way, especially at her (although I do have a shorter temper in general now, and I am much more assertive for some reason...

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