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icstars 09-21-2012 08:49 AM

i lost my mum suddenly
2 months ago I lost my mum to aortic dissection. I had never heard of it before and i doubt she had either. She was 42 and she walked with no assistance into the hospital before collapsing and dying almost immediately.

My mum and I lived together just the two of us before I moved away for university. We had had a very unstable family life, dealing with separation, domestic violence and had finally broken out of it. She was the one person I trusted and loved unconditionally, she understood me and we were friends aswell as mother and daughter however cheesy that sounds.

I was supposed to come home and see her on the Monday and spoke to her on Friday arranging it, she died that night.

I now live with my father and sister who I am not close with. We had to clear out our house and now I feel like I have no home and no proper family.

I have a boyfriend but He now seems disinterested in my grief and we argue constantly and he doesnt seem to understand how much Im struggling even though Ive tried to tell him.

I miss her so much and feel completely alone. I have no one to talk to and I dont know what to do.

slenderella 09-28-2012 05:17 PM

Re: i lost my mum suddenly
I am so very sorry for your loss. It might be a good idea to find out if there is a grief group you can attend, locally. Grief is a difficult process and a long journey.

NSANMOM24 09-29-2012 07:33 PM

Re: i lost my mum suddenly
I'm so sorry. I truly can't imagine all you are going through, but I send my love and support to you.

zip452 09-29-2012 10:16 PM

Re: i lost my mum suddenly
I am so sorry for what you are going through. That sounds so difficult. I also can't imagine everything, but perhaps parts. Life really does not make sense sometimes and is totally unfair. I agree with what Slenderella said. Please look to find out if there is a grief group in your area that you could find support at, I think that it may be really comforting to know that other people also go through loss and feel similar things. Also sometimes there are help lines where you could call for free and just talk to someone. I think that the key right now is that you feel alone and hopefully you can find some way to feel less alone so that you can allow yourself to grieve and feel safe. I am sorry that your boyfriend does not seem to understand and it is really unfortunate that he is getting into arguments with you so often when you are dealing with so much on your own. I am glad that you are trying to reach out still. Your mother sounded very special, I am really sorry that this happened to you and her as well.

I hope story this doesn't make your pain worse. It sounds like you have been a bit traumatized, I hope this story may make you feel less alone in some small way. Last November a relatively young horse that had even won individual gold in showjumping at the Bejing Olympics died of an aortic aneurism at the end of a jumping round during competition in France in November. You can look up the story - his name was Hickstead. His rider's story is also interesting as he came from a poor area, worked his way up and was actually banned from competitions for a while as he had some addictions that he eventually dealt with and was able to return to competition. Hickstead's sudden passing was so shocking to his rider Eric, his team, all of the spectators, the competitors, and most of the equestrian community and many Canadians. Hickstead was regularly checked by top veterinarians regarding his health & fitness to compete at that level, they have said that there was never any indication that he was unwell, and there are sadly rarely any warning signs of aortic disease.

I happened to be at a Canadian competition a few days later as a spectator, and Hickstead's rider Eric was enrolled to compete on a different horse. It was not known if he would be emotionally able to compete, but he did. When he rode into the ring the whole audience stood up and gave him a standing ovation. It was so emotional, I felt kind-of awkward because I thought it must have been hard and a reminder of what had happened and I did not want us to make his pain worse, but I think that showing support was very important and I hoped that we made him feel like he was not completely alone in his pain. I like to think that you deserve just as much or even more of a standing ovation as Eric received, as a mother is so very special and I can safely say, so much more special than a horse.

I am sorry your life has changed so much in the past 2 months and I know everything must feel so out of control and surreal. I really hope that you are able to heal at least a bit from this traumatic incident, and I am confident that you can get to a better place. My boyfriend lost both of his parents suddenly right when he graduated from university a year ago and I understand that losing a parent at a time when you feel like you are also undergoing a huge personal transition can really be overwhelming, and it can make it so easy to get stuck into unpleasant situations, and unsure where to go from here. We had some rough patches right in the time around 2 months to 4 months after, but then we had a really good talk. We also did a couples counselling for post traumatic stress disorder, and it really helped a lot to have us both understand each other. I think that if you feel like your bf is not helping you - I would suggest that you have a serious conversation with him sooner rather than later as you really have to do what is best for you.

Having been through the loss of my bf's parents I know how much it can really disrupt your life, his life became pretty unrecognizable for a while and he still feels like he does not have a home to go back to. I understand how it can feel like you not only lost a super special person but you also lost a whole lot of yourself and your own future that you thought you would be able to have.

Are you still in University? If so there are usually free counseling options available - please do not hesitate to set up an appointment and remember that you can use that time to talk about anything you want. Counselors are paid just to listen, and it sounds like you really just need someone to listen to anything at all that you want to say and validate your feelings and thoughts. You will get through this and you are still the same great person. This next year will not be easy in any way and it may not go as fast as you would like, but people will want to help along the way, and try not to be afraid to ask for help - you are worth it.

I am sorry for my long post. I really hope that you are doing okay, and that you know that people do care, even if we are faceless people over the internet. I am sending a mental hug and thoughts your way tonight.

angelwish 10-02-2012 04:06 PM

Re: i lost my mum suddenly
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom and I know there is no greater loss. I am so glad you are talking about it because I learned that seemed to help me more than anything else.

The only other thing I know is that it is going to take time to heal from this. If you have anyone else in your family you could go spend time with, I think that would help, too.

The boyfriend you mentioned may not be THE one for you. It is in times of extreme crisis that we get to know someone on a more real level. If he can't give you support after losing your mother, consider this very carefully. We truly see a persons true colors in times of loss.

I don't know you, but I do know how you feel. When my mom died, the family fell apart for awhile over the will. I fell apart from grief. It is sad that people are so caught up in their own pain that they become inconsiderate of others.

Try & make allowance for the fact that they also are grieving and not at their best. Hey, you are under one roof & not at each others throat; many people wouldn't even be able to do this much.

sam480 10-11-2012 01:52 AM

Re: i lost my mum suddenly
It's very sad that you lost your mother which is very close to you. I know how much it gives pain in our heart because i also lost someone in my life that's why my parents and me live like as death people everyday.
my best wishes to you just believe in yourself stay safe and this is life my dear...

sam480 10-11-2012 01:54 AM

Re: i lost my mum suddenly
It's very sad that you lost your mother which is very close to you. I know how much it gives pain in our heart because i also lost someone in my life that's why my parents and me live like as death people everyday.
my best wishes to you just believe in yourself stay safe and this is life my dear...

rosier 10-13-2012 01:52 PM

Re: i lost my mum suddenly
You are very young to have lost your mother, it is never easy no matter how old you are. It is traumatic and scarey when it happens so suddenly. My father died very quickly also. He had type 2 diabeted, but lived alone due to his alcholism. He died from complications from diabetes and inhailing antifreeze fumes by accident. You are in need of professional help from grief counsiling. I hope you are doing it now. You are so young and traumitized by this. Go get some help dealing with this pain.

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