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bobbi416 11-06-2012 08:52 AM

Lost Mother & Sister within a year
:(I don't even know where to begin. I lost my dad 10/2010 (Lung Cancer), I lost my Mother after suffering for 6 yrs with Pulmonary Fibrosis, 10-26-2011. I just lost my Sister on 11-2-2012 from Pancreatic Cancer.

I can't stop crying, my house is a mess, and I just feel like crawling under my bed covers and make the world go away. My sister was my best friend and we talked just about every day. But I took care of her and my Mom, through all of their treatments and daily needs.

My sisters treatment was horrible, to the point that I thought it was going to kill her. Weekly chemo and daily radiation. Then a period were they said the tumor was inactive, then gone. FALSE HOPE! 3 mos later they did a PET Scan and the cancer had spread to her liver and lungs. All that torture, for what? She decided to go for another round of chemo, but all it did was make her sick. It wasn't helping, she stopped treatment. They gave her 4 mos. She died in her sleep 1 week after my Mother's anniversary.

So what do I do now? I feel so alone even though I'm not. My husband, and children still need me but I feel like I have nothing left to give. When something is asked of me I get angry, and snippy. Like why can't they just do for themselves. They are all adults, how much is enough. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, LEAVE ME ALONE!

I'm sorry for ranting, I just can't rant at them. I'm just lost and don't what to with myself. Any advise would be appreciated.

rosequartz 11-06-2012 09:29 AM

Re: Lost Mother & Sister within a year
Bobbi, i'm sorry for your losses.....and so close together, it's a lot to bear.
I'm glad you found this place, it's a great place for support, but i'm wondering about checking into a local support group in your area too? sometimes that can help too. Just take one day at a time and go easy on yourself, you've been thru an awful lot.

writeleft 11-06-2012 12:01 PM

Re: Lost Mother & Sister within a year

I can certainly understand your pain. I am just one year past losing both of my parents within 30 days of each other, and I understand the grief and loss.

My mother fell and broke her neck, and my dad just lost it and died 30 days later. At the same time I lost my sister, as she just bailed out and left me with all the work and responsibility.

I too have a family, children and a husband. I turned to them and my friends to get me through it, and here too.

Nothing can ever take away your love for them, but time does make things much better. I hope each new day is a bit easier than the last.

Ivorygirl 11-07-2012 12:27 PM

Re: Lost Mother & Sister within a year
Hi B. ~ First off sending you lots of ((((HUGS)))))

I am sooo sorry to hear about the passing of your dear sister and mom within a year of one another.

I soo understand the emptiness and void you are feeling since I had lost my younger brother and mom within 9 months of one another, almost 3 years ago.

I was numb for quite some time.....almost felt as if the world was going on while I was suspended in mid-air. Couldn't understand how people could go back to living while I was stuck in numbness and unable to get back into the swing of things.

I cried many tears, too many to count and still do but not as bad.

What I recommend is that you give yourself permission to grieve your loss and all that you are feeling...the anger, the pain, and the emptiness are all part of the journey.

What I found was that I barely had time to mourn my dear brother when my mom, a perfectly healthy woman who walked 3-4 miles daily, was diagnosed with Bile Duct Cancer and within 3 months gone.

It felt as if the wind had literally been knocked out of me!! And it took quite some time to catch my breath again!!

So, Bobbi, first you must give yourself permission to mourn your losses, there is no right way to do that but is a personal journey to be taken.

I found that the best way to honor my dear brother and mom was to continue to celebrate life in the way that they wasn't always easy but I found by doing so I was continuing to bring them with me as I did.

The first year was the hardest, the first Mother's Day without my mom, the first birthdays, the first Christmases, my first birthday without them there.....all difficult. What I found helpful was to do something they liked to do on those days and talk about them and include them in each event in someway.

And I found as I did so that I felt them near especially in the hugs I got from other family members who actually a physical piece of them that I could have near me.

I still miss them tremendously and have found that journaling helps out alot too.

I write to them sharing my thoughts.....what I miss most is talking to them by phone since both of them were the ones who I shared most of my fears and joys with.

Still to this day, when something big happens or worries come my way I go to pick up that phone hoping to share it with them.....only to come to the realization that I can't do it that way anymore!!

I lost half my family.....I have one other brother and my dad and when we gather I still feel the void of not having the other two by my side.

Taking a family picture without the other two in it just brings that void back all over again.

But it does get easier.....I feel their presence in different ways and am open to that.

I have my mom's favorite perfume/lotion/bodywash that I took from her drawer while packing some of her things away.

I use on days I miss her applying it on special occasions when I want her near. She was sooo excited getting that perfume set for Christmas from my dad because of how expensive it is appropriately named for her, "Angel" by Thierry Mugler.

So, Bobbi, you will find your way through this just as I did.

It will take some time and you will figure out how to get back into life's daily rountine when you are ready.

I did go to a grief therapist for a few sessions and she deemed me as handling things appropriately. She actually kicked me out because my co-pays were too much saying that I was doing exceptionally well under the circumstances.

One day at a time.....the more you love the more you will grieve.

I also found it helpful coming here to share my grief among others who understand.

Keep talking to us, you are not alone.

Stay well and know that my thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

Love ~ Ivory :angel:

bobbi416 11-12-2012 08:43 AM

Re: Lost Mother & Sister within a year
I just wanted to send out my appreciation to all who have replied. It's only been a little over a week since my sister passed, but I stopped crying at every little thing. Thank you all for your kind words and support. I'm sorry that we are all suffering from the loss of loved ones.

Now I am just in this funk where I have things to do and just don't feel like doing them. It's like walking around in a fog. I even have this hazy feeling in my head, where my mind just starts to drift. I can't concentrate for very long. Is this normal?

My health is not the greatest. I've had high blood pressure for years, but it is now out of control, to the point that I now have stage 2 CKD (chronic kidney disease). I think that all of this Anxiety is just adding fuel to the fire.

I find myself obsessing about my health since my family health record is not so good! Has anyone else done this?

I fear that when all the docs are done with all there testing, I'm going to hear those terrifying words my Mother and Sister heard. This is a horrible place to be. Living in fear.

But I do have some really good news, I'M GOING TO BE A GRANDMA FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! YEAH IT"S A BOY Talk about bitter sweet.
So I guess life just goes on.

rosequartz 11-12-2012 08:51 AM

Re: Lost Mother & Sister within a year
i think everything you're going thru is normal.....take one day at a time and go easy on yourself. And you're right life does go on, congratulations on becoming a grandma!

bobbi416 11-18-2012 07:32 PM

Re: Lost Mother & Sister within a year
It's been 2 weeks and the holidays are coming. I have absolutely no desire to be cooking a thanksgiving meal. I can't believe that my husband insisted that I cook for his mother and uncle, REALLY!! I can't celebrate without my family. I'm really upset that his mother didn't even offer to help. (Getting a whole lot of support) The thought crossed my mind to spike the food with exlax. Not that i'm going to but really. There isn't an hour that goes by that I'm not reminded that most of my family is gone, at least the ones I was closest to. I actually had to remind my husband tonight that my sister is dead.
Because I just started crying after laughing at a TV program. It was really a strange reaction. Never had that happen before. He couldn't understand why I was crying. I told him that its only been 2 weeks, and he said 2 week since what??? REALLY!!
I'm alone more than ever. How long am I going to feel like this? I feel like screaming at my husband and his insensitivity. His stupid remarks, and the way he forces me to do things. Like making this meal.
I have a good mind to just disappear for the day.

rosequartz 11-19-2012 08:13 AM

Re: Lost Mother & Sister within a year
Bobbi, I would tell your husband, with what you've been thru lately, you're not up to doing this big production for the holidays, and you would like to go out to a resteraunt to eat.

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