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jayda62090 02-02-2013 03:59 PM

After the loss of my mother, I am terrified of her room and the dark.
I can't even look down the hall to her room. If I wake up during the night to use the restroom I am too scared to move. I have to wake my boyfriend up to turn on every light ahead of me. I don't understand it. I have never had a fear of the dark. This started 2 weeks before she passed. She was moved to hospice and stayed for two weeks. Every doctor told us the same thing. There was no quality or quantity of life anymore. She would never come off the bI pap and would have to have a feeding tube put in and have constant 24 medical care. She had a living will and as her surrogate I had to make the decision to withhold life support (bI pap). But the fear started after the Dr in the ICU of the hospital told me we should "make her comfortable". As he gave me the "end of life talk" I began to panic. Then everytime I was somewhere dark or looking at her room, I had this terror and I would literally run out of her room. I can't seem to control it.

growagourd 02-02-2013 07:25 PM

Re: After the loss of my mother, I am terrified of her room and the dark.
I am so terribly sorry for you loss, may I ask you how long it has been?

I would not be too hard on yourself for now. I am also living with grief over the loss of both my parents, both within 30 days of each other. As time passes, it seems the things that trigger my most difficult emotions have changed. Depending on the time you have been dealing with this, perhaps it is just a phase you will pass through in your own time.

With a good year behind me, I am feeling much better, although not a day goes by that I do not think of them, I can also focus on other things now, and find many more moments of enjoyment with all the things life offer.

Each of us grieve our losses in our own way, and we have to know our parents would not want us to live in fear and sadness any longer than we have to. It is ok to grieve, it is ok to leave time for remembering and paying tribute to our parents, but we also have to take steps to work our way back into our normal lives.

I hope to hear back from you, and learn more about how this fear is standing in your way. With best wishes,

jayda62090 02-06-2013 07:32 PM

Re: After the loss of my mother, I am terrified of her room and the dark.
She passed January 27, 2013. About 2 weeks ago. My sister lied to me and the one time I left the Hospice, she didn't call me and tell me she passing. When she did call me, she made it a point to inform me she knew that my mother was going to pass two hours before she did. We had a full plan set up in the event that one of us was not there and the other was. She did this to be manipulative and vindictive. She had always been jealous of me and it had only gotten worse since I made the choice to move back home to care for her. I feel so guilty about not being there and letting my mother be alone with her. My sister is notorious about waiting until my mother is sick and harassing her, being mean and hateful. My mother was not conscious or aware of her surroundings anymore, but still my sister demanded time alone with her. I understand why. Guilt was eating her alive and that is fine, but she took away the last moment I would have with my mother and she did it on purpose. I let her. I don't know. I am so sorry.

growagourd 02-08-2013 04:33 PM

Re: After the loss of my mother, I am terrified of her room and the dark.
Oh my goodness, what a selfish action on your sisters part. Of course you would have been there if you had any idea. I understand your situation totally, and both my parents died while my sister and I fought over everything. It was just terrible, and came down to the funeral being the last time we will ever see each other again.

Please release the guilt you are holding, as in her moment of passing, you know your mother was at rest with all the wordly chores and matters. I stayed with my father in hospice for 16 days, afraid to leave for anything, having food delivered and friends bringing things I needed. My sister only came once until the night I called her thinking it was close. He passed the next morning, while she was out to breakfast. So I understand how painful it is to be in a family war, and for one person to do such a thing to her sister at such a delicate time must be something she will always regret. I hope you can find some peace with this, although it is very fresh, with it being so close in time.

What has happened with you and your sister since? For me, by the time of the double funeral, my sister and I were completely fractured, and will remain so. In our case, we had only tolerated each other for the sake of my parents, and they insisted on it.

About her room, and the hallway, take your time. It is so soon, you need to be very gentle with yourself for now. You have gone through something we all have to endure in our lives, with less than the very best circumstances. What is really important is not the very last hours or minutes, but the entire life you shared with your mother. That is the relationship you enjoyed and made you the person you are today. While few of us really get to spend the last of our parents lives as we wish we could, that moment will fade, and your memories will be about all the moments in your life, I promise. No one can take that away from you, even your sisters bad act.

Give yourself time and let your heart heal. Make sure to give yourself all the time and emotion it takes to get through this. Let it out...

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