It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Grief & Loss Message Board

  • I can't come to terms with my emotions.

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 02-10-2015, 03:23 AM   #1
    gw102793
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    gw102793's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2015
    Posts: 5
    gw102793 HB User
    I can't come to terms with my emotions.

    I'm 21 years old. I'm all too familiar with loss and grief. I lost my biological father when I was 13 after he was hit head on by a drunk driver. My mother died when I was 19 due to complications with pneumonia, and six months later I found my step dad dead after a sudden heart attack. My dad's death was very tough on me. We were best friends. I had just completed my 7th grade year when his untimely passing occured. I became a horrible student after this and my grades suffered until the point I quit school altogether. My mom and step dad had a very difficult time with this. They had my other siblings (my two sisters and brother) to look after as well. I made things worse because as each day passed I was increasingly bitter and hostile. I hated everything. I loved my family, but couldn't show it. As time went on we lost my baby nephew to SIDS, and that was incredibly disturbIng. Seeing a baby in a casket that I was just holding a few days before gave me nightmares. Still does. In 2011 we found out my mom had incredibly bad health. She was basically unresponsive so I called an ambulance. she was coherent enough to ask me not to, but good thing I did. It saved her life. She spent 29 days in a coma. At first they advised us to call the family (which is never good news), but with time she healed enough to come home. Around this time I was 18 and starting to live like an 18 year old. Looking back I'm terribly ashamed because I had a sick mother back home who I neglected. Well after a couple different hospital stays, in 2013 they finally said there was nothing they could do and sent her to hospice. As soon as I heard that I broke down into tears. It finally hit me that I was soon to lose my mother. For about a week I became the best son you could ask for. I would visit any time possible and when visiting hours were over I was constantly texting to check on her. They sent her home because she wanted to die in her bed. I knew she didn't have much time left. I'm an atheist, but I would spend all my free time reading verses of scripture to her. My mother was very religious so this helped her quite a bit. One night her oxygen levels got very low and she started panicking and gasping for air. This image sticks with me because that's the last time I saw my mother alive. My step dad saw it bothering me so he told me everything was okay and to leave the house for a bit and gave me a little bit of spending money. I went straight to my friend's house because I knew everything was not okay but there was nothing I could do. I finally went home and fell asleep on the couch at about 2am. My step dad woke me up crying and apologizing because she was gone. My step dad was an angel if ever there was one. He loved my mother more than anything. And he never failed to treat me and my two sisters like we were his own. He worked hard everyday to support us while also taking care of my mom. When she died, he became very depressed. I started into a downward spiral of my own. I wasn't the best support system to my family. I was standoffish and most of the time working to keep my mind off things or getting high with my buddies. When my step dad died I was emotionally and mentally drained. It felt like my life had become the worst possible dream. I moved in with my grandparents. My drug use got out of control. I couldn't stand to be sober. I was into anything that could mess me up, but my favorite thing was a handful of opiates. I've burned a lot of bridges. My addictions led to me losing people in my life who really loved and cared about me. Sometimes I'm just lose control for no reason. I get mad really easily and it's very easy for me to feel alone and abandoned. The people who I still do have know about my painful past, but they don't know about my drug use or depression. I put on a phoney smile day in and day out. I joke a lot in public but when I'm alone I get really dark and depressed.

    I don't know how to shake it. I'm regularly up until 5am thinking about my life, why it had to be so rough when I'm still quite young. I also have to convince myself on a daily basis that it's still worth pushing for. I quit using all drugs. I'm going on three weeks of complete sobriety, which is good, but now I'm dealing with the problems instead of self medicating.

    I just don't know how to get better. I'm trying so hard to beat this depression. I want to experience the good parts of life, but I wonder if there are any for me. To anyone who read this the whole way thru, thank you. I really want to feel better.

    Last edited by Administrator; 04-26-2015 at 07:45 AM.

     
    The following user gives a hug of support to gw102793:
    kathy14 (02-24-2015)
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 02-10-2015, 06:30 AM   #2
    Seraph
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2007
    Location: Australia
    Posts: 5,442
    Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
    Re: I can't come to terms with my emotions.

    You have already achieved a huge step that many people never get to; that is admitting that you need help, getting off the self-medication and realising that you have a well of deep pain to face. It is not easy. You are young and really still dealing with the terrible losses you have had. You cannot just shrug that off. You lost your parents (all three of them) and you are still deep in grief. Can you find a bereavement group or something similar? You would really benefit from talking with people who are going through the same things, and you will see that you are feeling and acting quite appropriately for someone who has had such a tragic time. So many emotions arise, and anger (as you experience) is a major one. It is no wonder that you are overwhelmed. Depression is a mental illness; I don't think you have it. I think you are still grieving and deeply sad and angry about your life. I hope you can find the support that you need. Sera

     
    Old 02-10-2015, 03:32 PM   #3
    gw102793
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    gw102793's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2015
    Posts: 5
    gw102793 HB User
    Re: I can't come to terms with my emotions.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    You have already achieved a huge step that many people never get to; that is admitting that you need help, getting off the self-medication and realising that you have a well of deep pain to face. It is not easy. You are young and really still dealing with the terrible losses you have had. You cannot just shrug that off. You lost your parents (all three of them) and you are still deep in grief. Can you find a bereavement group or something similar? You would really benefit from talking with people who are going through the same things, and you will see that you are feeling and acting quite appropriately for someone who has had such a tragic time. So many emotions arise, and anger (as you experience) is a major one. It is no wonder that you are overwhelmed. Depression is a mental illness; I don't think you have it. I think you are still grieving and deeply sad and angry about your life. I hope you can find the support that you need. Sera
    Thank you so much. Just your words have already helped more than you know. Unfortunately, although these problems aren't exactly new, I'm an inexperienced griever. I'm not one to cry in front of people. Even in the funeral homes I was always near the coffee pot cracking jokes and cheering up the people who thought it was their job to cheer me up. Hospice offered a one year grieve counseling but at the time I was too stubborn to use it. I'm currently looking for support groups and ways to keep a healthy attitude. I stumbled across this site and thought I'd give it a go. And so far I'm glad I did. To keep busy I always looked into comedy. Standup comedians are big influences on me because often they have difficult pasts as well. Their humor helps them and it also helped me. But this past year I knew I had to get help.

    They say the ones with the darkest demons joke the most. I'm only 21, I have to remember there will be good and bad moments in life. I don't want to burn anymore bridges with my uncontrolled anger and bitterness, because I'm quite blessed in ways others don't understand. One thing I have learned is how to have compassion for others. I've learned putting yourself in someone's shoes is much healthier than judging from what you see at the moment. I love to let people vent. I always want people to be able to come to me. I've never been interested in comparing problems. I just firmly believe we have a duty to be there for one another.

    Last edited by Administrator; 04-26-2015 at 07:49 AM.

     
    Old 02-17-2015, 12:29 PM   #4
    MrsG27
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    MrsG27's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2015
    Location: canada
    Posts: 3
    MrsG27 HB User
    Re: I can't come to terms with my emotions.

    You sound like an amazing person GW. I agree with Seraph.. you've already achieved so much and you've already made very important changes in your life. I'm still trying to figure out everything going on in my life, but I know without the support of those around me, life would be unbearable. Keep those people close to you. They WILL listen because the love and care for you. Know that your parents would want to see you move forward. Think about what they would say to you right now. I know that's what has helped me a little.

     
    Closed Thread

    Tags
    death, depression, grieving



    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:11 PM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!