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  • telling your partner

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    Old 05-23-2019, 06:15 AM   #1
    georgiab
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    telling your partner

    Does anyone have advice on how to tell their current partner they have just had their first outbreak of Genital Herpes? I have been dating this guy for 3 months and things have been great! We have been sexually active for 2 months and i went to my OB yesterday and was diagnosed with Herpes. I only had one small bump and felt like I had the flu or a UTI. My doctor thinks I most likely contracted it in the last 2-14 days. I don't want to sound accusatory when I discuss with him when I see him tomorrow. But he really needs to get tested. I am open to advice on how to handle this situation. I was falling in love with him and I believe he was falling in love with me, and I don't want to handle this the wrong way. HELP?

     
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    Old 05-23-2019, 07:32 AM   #2
    yayagirl
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    Re: telling your partner

    Dear georgiab,

    Try to relax and just be up front and honest. How long have you known him? Keep in mind that no matter how long we know someone we don't know everything about the other person. Herpes is not something we can know the source of or who first had the virus exposure. It's possible that both of you were exposed and are carriers and may have been carriers since being children. That is how viruses are. A great deal of people do not know this fact.

    For all you know he had an unrecognized viral break out that he didn't know to be herpes, himself. Or he could have known he had a sore but not know it was herpes. Maybe that even happened to you sometime in your past. It happens to anyone. No one in the world knows for a fact when and where they were first exposed to herpes, no matter when an outbreak first is discovered. Shame should never be part of a herpes diagnosis or any viral diagnosis. But definitely, honesty and being upfront is necessary. And now that you know, if you or he has any outbreak, wait for kisses and other intimacy till it heals. That is all there is to it. It is only called a genital virus because it can thrive in warm moist areas, which of course includes the mouth.

    No one ever can prove who carried the virus first or where it first began, in the mouth or on the genital area. It can be spread by a kiss from Auntie to a baby. Oral 'cold sores' are often as painful as the genital sores. How much pain is usually depending on the sensitivity of the location and how quickly we discover and treat the problem. I have found that drying the sore with tissue then applying a dab of vitamin A & D ointment helps with the pain and helps quicken the healing process. In fact, after using this method a few times, it has been years since I last had a herpes outbreak anywhere. I believe herpes can be managed by treating it like any other virus.

    Herpes can and does happen to anyone at all. Just like we can be standing in a check out line at a store and have someone sneeze in our direction, and then catch a cold when our own immune system is down. Any kind of stress can make us vulnerable to any type of virus. It is really absurd how shame has been attached to the herpes virus. I have known of people of any age that had cold sores. It is the same exact virus, just presented in different body areas.

    Be sensitive to the shock issue, but mainly sensitive to your own shock and the fact that you don't know how you got the virus, as well as that he may be shocked. Or, he could have been a carrier. But anyone else in your life that had herpes whether they or you knew or not could have been the carrier.

    Breathe some slow, even breaths and relax. Know this, if this guy can't handle a discussion about a virus, he wouldn't be able to handle any other unpleasant fact of life.

    You will get through this just fine.
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    Old 05-23-2019, 07:42 AM   #3
    georgiab
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    Re: telling your partner

    Thank you! i am still getting over the shock myself. It breaks my heart to have to tell him, I am hope for his sake he doesn't have it. I am hoping that worrying about telling him may be worst than actually telling him. The stress of not knowing how he will react is weighing on my mind. Thank you for the advice and the words of wisdom!
    I really appreciate it!

     
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    Old 05-23-2019, 08:22 AM   #4
    rosequartz
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    Re: telling your partner

    if you contracted it within the last couple weeks as your doctor says, rest assured, your boyfriend already knows.....

     
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    Old 05-23-2019, 09:34 AM   #5
    yayagirl
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    Re: telling your partner

    Dear georgia,

    You're welcome. Yes the news is shocking. Sorry you have this to deal with!

    I may be wrong, but I don't think there is a herpes test for anything outside of testing an active sore. And yes, having been with you he has been exposed to it. But if he has been with anyone else in his life he very likely was exposed already. It is an extremely common virus. I was with my husband two years before I contracted the virus. And he had herpes as a child, as I mentioned, as cold sores in his mouth. back then no one was making a mountain out of it or warning that it could be spread from hand to genitals or had connected that the oral and genitals disease were the same virus. I had been sexually active with my husband for years before my immune system was low enough that I contracted it from him. The best thing that happened was the informative doctor that explained how this very common virus gets around and how it can be dormant for years with no one's knowledge. No one is shocked when they come down with a cold, are we? Herpes is as common as a cold. Most of us don't escape herpes sores and will get them at some point in our lives.

    If someone tells us they had a cold or the flu we aren't shocked. If we knew how common herpes is and how easily it is passed around we might be more relaxed about dealing with it. Hon, try to not blame yourself, and try to not let this devastate you. Just share how shocked you were to discover you have this virus and ask if he has any knowledge of being exposed to it before now. And, don't be shocked by either way he answers, that he did or didn't. The truth is we usually have no idea.

    Herpes is as common as a cold. who has not had colds and had been exposed to them? I only had two outbreaks of herpes in my whole life. My husband, on the other hand, used to regularly get cold sores/herpes sores whenever he was stressed, but for years now has had no outbreaks at all. We aren't positive, but we think it is because we keep stress down by taking B complex vitamins to feed our nerves.

    I know this is stressful. Keep breathing slowly and make yourself relax as much as you can. There are all sorts of things in life that will test your relationship. It doesn't feel good but, this is how we find out what kind of person we are involved with. Think of it that way. If he cannot or will not handle this he won't handle the other hard parts of being in a relationship.

    Hugs and prayers for peace for both of you, esp. you!
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    Old 05-23-2019, 10:14 AM   #6
    quincy
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    Re: telling your partner

    Did your doctor do a swab test? Put you on antivirals?

    If you recently have been exposed and with your first outbreak, seems you contracted it from your boyfriend. He should be told and required by you to be checked. Get proof. If he knows he has it....he is remiss in not telling you.

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    Old 05-23-2019, 10:18 AM   #7
    georgiab
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    Re: telling your partner

    Hi,
    Yes, my Dr. did a swab test and sent blood work off for testing. And he put me on Valacycovir. Hoping to start feeling better soon! I am planning on telling him tomorrow night when I see him in person. Thank you for your response. Just trying to process everything and figure it all out!

     
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    Old 05-23-2019, 04:53 PM   #8
    MSNik
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    Re: telling your partner

    You have to sit your partner down and have a heart to heart with him. Herpes isn't fatal, its a virus.

    Just because "My doctor thinks I most likely contracted it in the last 2-14 days. " does not mean that you got it from your boyfriend.

    More than half of the US carries the herpes virus and most people do not know they have it. Its a virus- and it lays dormant in the body for years. There is absolutely NO WAY your doctor could suspect that it was given to you 2-14 days ago...and no doctor is going to tell you that. The virus can blow up for no reason- at any time- even when you are not sexually active.

    The doctor might have said that the outbreak started 2-14 days ago...even when there is nothing visible, the outbreak can be there and as the skin naturally sheds, it is contagious and eventually the outbreak comes...kind of like feeling like you are getting a pimple, but it doesnt actually show up for a few days; that's herpes.

    Your boyfriend COULD have given it to you, or he could be a carrier and you were already a carrier and it chose to show up now due to your immune system being low. You'll never know and you cannot put the blame on him.

    Did you know you can get Herpes from being kissed with someone with a cold sore? Even before the cold sore is visible- if you kissed someone who was about to have an oral outbreak (or if they touched you with their mouth ) you can get herpes...

    I am sorry, but there is no way you will ever know from where you got this.
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