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  • Need Advice - How to tell potential partner

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    Old 12-05-2006, 09:09 PM   #1
    zuniz's Avatar
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    Need Advice - How to tell potential partner

    Ok I was diagnosed with herpes about a year ago after a man i had slept with (after a year of celibacy) failed to tell me about his condition. After I was diagnosed I was devastated to the point I decided to swear off meeting, dating or being intimate with a man. I keep men away emotionally and phsyically. About three months ago, after many lonely nights, I decided to get back on the horse and posted an online personal ad. I met this wonderful man who lives on the east coast while I live on the west coast. We talk nearly everyday and we have grown close however both of us have emotional barrier up still. After about a month of talking to me on the phone he purchased a plane ticket to come see me. He's scheduled to arrive next month and I havent told him yet that I have herpes.

    Should I tell him over the telephone or in person? I am so scared to loose this budding relationship since we have so much in common and seemingly are a great match. I am so confused. Please help. Thanks.

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    Old 12-05-2006, 11:36 PM   #2
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    Re: Need Advice - How to tell potential partner

    Hi Zuniz, i bumped up another thread called "Happy Couples". You should give it a read as there are so many positive stories from people who had to tell partners or partners had to tell them and they are now living in happy relationships.

    It's never easy telling somebody new due to the stigma attached to herpes. It's so hard to know what advice to give as everybody deserves to have love and happiness in their life, but everybody also deserves honesty.

    You could tell him over the phone before he visits you, but then you haven't given yourself the chance of meeting him and telling him face to face, b/c if you tell him over the phone he might think you are making it up and inventing a way of not seeing him as a lot of people are fine when it's long distance, but when they eventually have to meet in person it is difficult for some people and you will hear stories about people suddenly making excuses so as not to meet. Hope that makes sense.

    On the other hand, he might think "why didn't she tell me right away" or he might understand about herpes and be willing to still see you. Have the two of asked whether the other has any form of STD's?

    If you wait to tell him when he actually visits and he doesn't understand a single thing about herpes, he could actually get upset and wish you had told him before he had purchase the plane ticket and flown over.

    It's very hard to say at this stage how he will take the news. For me personally, i'd be arming myself with a tonne of info so you can answer all his questions. I would likely chicken out and tell him before he flies over, explaining how you got it.

    I got mine from someone who had had it for 20yrs and i asked on 2 seperate occasions whether he had anything which i ought to know about and he told me he was totally clean and i'd not catch anything. That was b/c he'd not had an o/b in nearly 10yrs, but later on i did catch it, however he did tell me prior to having actual sex, but my thought was "what if i had caught it while he was shedding and no actuall o/b was in evidence".

    You can't keep your emotions locked away and keep potential partners away. You do need to date and tell prospective partners the truth. Sure there might be some knock backs, but you will come across that guy who isn't afraid of herpes, someone to whom you mean more than the herpes. The most difficult decision in your case is do you tell him before or when he actually visits.

    When you look at it, there are loads of people with herpes who DO have partners and there are loads of people who DONT have herpes and they don't have a partner. So you have to go out there and make it happen and keep thinking positive. Keep us posted on how things go. I truly hope it does go well

    Last edited by Audrey-B; 12-05-2006 at 11:52 PM.

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