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Why oh why didn't I?

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Old 09-09-2012, 06:24 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1
Sertraline HB User
Why oh why didn't I?

My story is a step on from many and so much worse and I think I maybe have ruined all my future hopes and dreams and hurt the man I love - the only man I've ever truly loved.

Like the previous lady, I did the same thing (I do realise it's not that uncommon and I do realise I was stupidly very wrong)

I was diagnosed about 10 years ago, it wasn't a severe OB and I had no flu like symptoms or such, just a couple of small sores! I then had no more OBs again and none of my regular partners (2 serious relationships) ever got it!

I think I had convinced myself I had never gotten it in the first place! The trauma of contacting HSV1 came at an awful violent time in my life that I wanted to forget, it also came coupled with some other terrible events that I don't care to think about!

So I was heartbroken at the time but eventually Herpes didn't matter anymore and I truly believed the diagnosis was incorrect!

The man I met was my perfect partner, I love him so much, he's my soul mate and the nicest most genuine man on the planet! I had had a life of "psychos" and was in a very bad place before I met him! My self worth and loathing was off the scale! He made me feel beautiful and loved for the first time in my entire life! I was so ecstatic and couldn't believe that for once in my life I was happy and deserved to be so!

I didn't tell him 1. because I deluded myself

2. because obviously I didn't want to lose him

Now I think I am anyway. I am crying inconsolably all the time. I have manic depression and don't know how I can carry on if he ends it!

We were going to get married, and now it's not so much me having this disease as the fact I didn't tell him, I lied in effect to him as well as myself!

We used condoms too, but he still got it and I never even had any symptoms. I was his perfect woman just as much as he was my perfect man!

When he got the symptoms they were as bad as bad can be - unlike mine originally - he was so ill, for such a long time and when he was diagnosed he was dumbstruck! I couldn't tell him I have caused his illness. He was so ill, he was bedridden!

I tried being sympathetic and saying I feel so guilty as I must've given him it orally with a coldsore! Then he found out in a horrible way and again he is mortified!

I wonder if I had told him at the beginning would he have walked away? I'll never know. But now I'm sure he will as he can't trust me as I know this was the worst thing you can do to someone you love so much!

I am devastated, the weddings off, but we haven't made any decisions yet as to whether we'll carry on! We haven't had sexual contact for a long time now, he feels dirty and I feel so much guilt! Sex seems like the last thing in the world either of us are thinking about right now!

I would settle for being just his friend until he gets his head together! I adore him and worship the ground he walks on. My future was positive for the first time in my life, now we are both HSV1 positive!

Don't tell me I'm stupid, I think I know that already!

So sooooooo sad, this is the worst thing anyone can do! I'm paying the price, so don't do what I did please!

Last edited by mod85; 09-12-2012 at 01:50 AM. Reason: spelling

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