long thread, lots of questions

I’m sort of not sure where to start here. I am waaaaay out of my element and comfort zone but I want to get information, support, whatever. I want to thank anybody in advance for any info and help you offer. i’m 32 and spent nearly all of my adult life in war, doing high risk security details, and voluntarily spending long periods of time overseas. i’ve generally had difficulty expressing emotion and feelings but admittedly haven’t cared about anybody enough to work on it. I also overthink EVERYTHING, it’s my nature, it kept me alive when I was in some very bad situations. I can be placed in the highest stress situation and react without a hitch, however I’m so nervous writing this my hands are shaking.

I began dating a girl around a month ago. I know it hasn’t been long but she is perfect – beautiful, smart, funny. after a date last week I thought to myself that I think I am falling in love with her. a few nights ago while we were hanging out she said she needed to talk to me about something and without any hesitation told me she had herpes and things were obviously progressing towards sex and I should know. i was completely floored, my heart stopped and I didn’t know what to say. she told me she understood if I wanted to end things and told me how it happened, she looked nervous but relieved and she’d obviously prepared for it. I listened and thought about it. I felt sorry for her, but I was also honestly was a little angry and I don’t really know why. I think it was selfishness that I found somebody I may want to spend the rest of my life with and we will have to deal with this, I’m not sure. I didn’t know a lot about it and asked a few questions. I told her how much I liked her and that I needed some time as far as sex went but that if she felt the same way about me as I did about her I would stay, and I did. my first thought when I had time to collect myself was how can I deal with this? we spent the next several days together and we did sexual things but did not have sex. on the last night I decided I was ready – I learned a bit about it, and with my feelings for her it wasn’t questionable. however when we got to it I couldn’t do it. I wanted to, really, but it wasn’t happening. I apologized and we talked about it some more which I think helped, I think she knew I wasn’t really ready.

one of my questions are has anybody had this type of issue that can lend advice? I do not want to contract the virus and I think in the back of my mind I may be scared or nervous. how can I get past this? will it happen on its own or are there things i/we could do? I feel there is a certain lack of intimacy with condoms and that is a concern to me as well as oral sex. I found this site and read through a large portion of ‘happy couple’ and will continue to read. I also saw people saying they read books with their partner that helped things. any recommendations on books/literature? i have a lot of questions and she’s been great with it, as awkward as it is she has made me more comfortable talking about it. I have no issues supporting her, when she has symtoms I’ll be there for her, I am comfortable in that aspect. but right now the sex issue is something that I need to figure out. thanks for reading this and thanks again for any help you can offer.

Hey im new here but think shes clearly a good person to tell you and not just do the deed and let you find out once its too late! now a days herpes is so common if you pass up on the chance of being with someone you really care about you could then get it from a one night stand, the reality is alot of people dont know they have it! (i havent been 'active' since splitting up with my bf nearly 2 years ago and recently had my first out break!!) something like 1 in 4 people have herpes now! I understand what you are saying about condoms but it really is the safest way i cant remeber where i read it now but a member on here has been with there partner 15 odd years and their partner is still herpes free because they have been sensible throughout.
good luck

Hi,

First of all, good work on finding a resource where you can comfortably ask questions and learn information about this. That is very mature of you.

Second of all, this woman of yours is a remarkable one. I have been in the same situation where I knew I had to tell potential partners about my situation but felt terrified, and expected them to up and leave me because of something that I had no control over (I didn't ask to receive herpes! Lol) and it is extremely difficult. She must really care for you; after all, she is seeking to ensure your comfort, safety, health and trust.

I have a partner now who I have given full disclosure about my herpes diagnosis and he has been extremely understanding. We began our sexual relationship using condoms and we have progressed to unprotected sex now that he is comfortable with it. He has not had any symptoms and it is up to me to make sure I have no symptoms of an outbreak that could infect him. As long as we communicate with each other, we have no problems and are very happy.

I think you can have a happy relationship in the same way. Communicate and work on building trust and the rest will follow. And let me remind you that herpes is essentially nothing more than a pesky skin rash. Sure, it "stays with you forever" but it is NOT that big of a deal. The people who fear-monger about the disease have no information about it. It is not a death sentence, and in fact, I rarely even think about it now.

Hope this helps.