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  • just had leep 2day...mad and scared...plz hlp.

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    Old 05-16-2008, 01:32 PM   #1
    gab21182
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    Angry just had leep 2day...mad and scared...plz hlp.

    6 yrs ago I married a man who decided to cheat on me while I was pregnant and brought home HPV. I had one pap after our daughter was born and it was normal. Now, 6 yrs later, I had my next pap and have high and low risk HPV with dysplasia. Went into doc today for colposcopy and they found a large wart on my cervix. They went ahead and did a leep along with the biopsy.

    More than anything, I am so angry with my ex. I hate him for what he has done to me. Not only this, but he took my daughter from me for no good reason and now takes all my money while he sits there and laughs. I have never done anything wrong in my life to not be able to have my daughter. I am not an addict of drugs or alcohol, been arrested or been accused of abuse.

    I feel like he has and still is to this day controlling my life. Now I have to pay mentally, physically and literally for what he decided to bring back home to me.

    I feel like I am labeled and infected. How can I deal with the emotional side of this? I havn't been able to enjoy sex with my fiance for over a month. I have told him (the same day I found out) and he's sticking by me. And my mom and dad are being supportive as well. It's still hard to look in the mirror and make sense of all this. I know I am not the only one in the world, but it feels like it.

    I feel like if anybody finds out, they won't want to be around me and think of me as a who**.

    I am scared to death. Now I have to wait another 10 days to find out the results of the leep and the biopsy. The bill for 2day was $600 and I am sure this is going to be something I have to deal with the rest of my life.

    I am so mad and sad and feel like I have to live alone and that I don't deserve anyone to love me because of this. I know it's not true deep down. But the whole thing is so confusing and mentally draining and I just would like to know how some of you have handled finding this out.

    Thanks for reading and I am not trying to put anyone down. I have read some of these posts and am amazed at how strong some of you are. I wish I knew how to get rid of these feelings. I don't want to be reminded on a regular basis of what that man did to me. I want to get past all this. Plz any advise would be gratefully appriciated. Plz Hlp.

     
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    Old 05-16-2008, 04:41 PM   #2
    Pickle Eyes
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    Re: just had leep 2day...mad and scared...plz hlp.

    Gab21182, first of all let me start by giving you a big ol' cyber hug ((((((((((((((Gabi))))))))))))

    What lead your doctor to deciding to do the colposcopy? And did he do a biopsy or a LEEP. The LEEP is more invasive, but I believe it can be done in a doctor's office. I didn't have a LEEP, so I'm not sure of the logistics of how/when/where/scheduling of it all.

    I understand your anger and your pain. I completely believe my exhusband brought home HPV along with a few other "friends (PID, chalymidia, etc) but they were never diagnosed and I thought I just had some bad yeast infections. Years later I remembered the doctor mentioning PID. Perhaps she mentioned chalymidia. He once had what *he* said was shingles on his penis. I know realize it was most likely warts. At that time, he was the only man I had ever had intercourse with. We had been virgins our first time together. He continued playing the field after we were supposedly in a committed relationship.

    Now, 20 years later, I'm married to a different (and better) man and the hrHPV (high risk HPV) has reared its ugly head. I can't say the diagnosis has been easy on our relationship. I haven't posted about it, but just let me say I'm more worried about the relationship than the cancer (endocervical adenocarcinoma Ia1) at this moment. <sigh> I have hope for the relationship, just as I have it for the cancer treatment (surgery without chemo or radiation).

    I'm not rambling. I just want to say that I'm sad that you are so angry and wounded by someone who has already wounded you in so many other ways. This is a time to build your own strength in yourself. You are worthy of love and respect. May that journey start here!

    (((hugs)))

     
    Old 05-16-2008, 06:28 PM   #3
    Pepper81
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    Re: just had leep 2day...mad and scared...plz hlp.

    I found out only 8 months ago that I had HPV. I remember holding the letter from my physician in my hand and reading it over and over and over again to make sure I had to words read correctly. My boyfriend of 3 years was watching me read it and I was numb until I looked at him and then I just started bawling my eyes out. HPV is an STD and in my mind I couldn't understand how i could have gotten it. I have had boyfriends in my past cheat on me, but in all honesty there is no way for me to know where it came from. Even my current and wonderful boyfriend could have given it to me without knowledge.

    My doctor informed me that I needed a biopsy just because I have always had abnormal paps, so I didn't think much of it in terms of health. I had a very hard time accepting the fact that I did have it and, being a virus, I wold never be rid of it. I felt dirty and ashamed. In public situations I would walk with my head lowers and my eyes down feeling that people could somehow tell I was "dirty". I didn't even want to talk about it to anyone to help with the stress I carried. I did as much research as I could online in regards to HPV and it helped me understand that it is very common, it is just unfortunate how uninformed the public really is to what it could lead to.

    I had my 6 month follow up pap a few months ago and my abnormal cells have escalated to LGSIL(low grade squamus intraepithelial lesion). Again I had a biopsy and the results came back HGSIL(high grade). I am now scheduled for a LEEP sometime next month. Unfortunately it brings a whole new level of fear and worries and doubt, but I have to remember the people who are in my life supporting me now. I could stay mad at the person who gave this to me, if I knew who it was. I could stay mad at any of my exes who wronged my trust and risked my health and live at the expense of their needs to gratify a male ego. But, I step back and realize that the best thing I have is the love of a good man. It brings me happiness and support in my life and I know it is something I will always have with me, something I no longer have to search for. So all in all, I feel sorry for the person who has to go from partner to partner for temporary satisfaction.

    I am sorry that you have to deal with these problems. I hope you can find comfort in our words of support and take comfort in the fact that we will be routing for your good fortune. I know that I wish only the best and more over for you and yours. Keep us posted.

    *hugs*

     
    Old 05-16-2008, 08:56 PM   #4
    mommyandwifey
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    Re: just had leep 2day...mad and scared...plz hlp.

    Hi there. While I haven't been told I have HPV (high risk) that is, it's possible that I have low risk which can also cause cervical changes. The thing about HPV is that while it is considered a STD, it is extremely common. I think the estimate is that 80% of the sexually active population either have it, had it or will have it in their lifetime. In another place I read it's as common as the common cold. That said, I totally understand your feelings. The hardest part for me with all of this (HPV, dysplasia, 6month paps etc.) is the feeling of being alone. You can't exactly ask around without putting all of your business out there. I do have outlets in my husband, mom, best friend, and the board. However, the first three can only understand this to a point. I can 't talk to them about the technical stuff, options etc. I don't think anyone not experiencing this can really understand. That's why the board has been so great for me but I do wish there was someone close that I could give support to and that could support me. Someone that I could call, hang out with etc. This is just very lonely at times not to mention I've got to put on my "game face" for my little ones. I just can't burden them with this ofcourse. Most days recently have been fine but then I go to the internet (I know...I know) and then I start worrying again.

    Anyway, enough of my rant. I just stopped by to let you know that I totally understand your feelings but more importantly to let you know that you are definately NOT ALONE.

     
    Old 05-17-2008, 01:46 PM   #5
    gab21182
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    Re: just had leep 2day...mad and scared...plz hlp.

    pickle eyes,
    thks 4 the post. The doc did colposcopy, leep and biopsy. The colposcopy was done because of the LGSIL results on my pap. During the colposcopy, she found the one large wart and wanted to remove it then. She really didn't say much else so I am wondering now (the day later) why it was sooooo important to remove that one? Maybe b/c of it's size and the possibility of the abnormal cells going past the membrane or something like that. But it was done and the wart itself, and the biopsy were sent off to the lab. So now i wait some more. I thought the leep was done for more serious cell changes. She also told me that LGSIL wasnt anything to worry about. But all elsewhere I look says thats pre cancer. Anyways, thks again for the post. Here's to a new (hopefully brighter) day.

     
    Old 05-17-2008, 01:49 PM   #6
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    Re: just had leep 2day...mad and scared...plz hlp.

    Thanks to all who have taken the time to read this and share your story. It helps to know that I am not alone although this has been the lonliest time in my life. Hopefully I can continue to come back here and talk to you all. Thks for the support!

     
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