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  • Terrified I am going to die

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    Old 09-02-2016, 06:40 AM   #1
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    Terrified I am going to die

    I have never posted on an internet health forum before but I feel like I have reached a point of desperation. (edit- this has turned out to be a really long post but I'd appreciate any thoughts so, so much!)
    I am a 24 year old female with no diagnosed health conditions - though that is partly because I have an incredible fear of medical settings and so won't go to see a doctor.

    Way back in Oct 2006 I started getting these stabbing pains in my head, I was only 14 at the time and managed to convince myself I had a brain tumour. As time went on I began to develop other brain tumour symptoms such as dizziness and nausea. There was a time in 2009 when I felt permanently sick every day for about a 3/4 months.

    About 5 years ago, I began getting 'numb' (it's not really numb in the true sense of the word but it's the only way I can describe it) feelings in patches on my body. They'd come and go and in Feb 2012 I convinced myself I was going to die any second and wouldn't leave the house, I even wrote goodbye letters to loved ones. At that time I did eventually see a doctor who tried to reassure me I was fine although no tests were done. My anxiety eventually calmed and the symptoms did seem to lessen for a while.

    I was obsessed with my eyes for quite some time - checking things like pupil size and eye movement at every opportunity- my eyes did feel odd for a while, like a pressured feeling- I've had it on and off for years, I still get it now, and it is a lot worse when I am thinking about it.

    Back to today, for the past few months I have been getting quite a lot of dizziness, though not unusual for me, it seems to happen more often. Anyway, about a fortnight ago I noticed my left eyelid was drooping slightly- I asked my brother and he couldn't see it, nor could my nan - a friend of mine spotted it but only after I'd pointed it out. I had quite a bad headache when I first noticed it - googled 'headache and drooping eyelid' and convinced myself it was a brain aneurysm. The droopiness has now gone but instead of just being relieved I am back to thinking I have a brain tumour that will kill me any second.
    I have dizziness, nausea, a complete loss of appetite, a headache at the moment (although I haven't the past few days) and the numb patches on my body have returned, though only on the left side of me which makes me more terrified. I'm also worried that I am twitching on the inside - there's no obvious movement to my body externally but I can feel something - that's only really started today.

    I am scared to sleep in case I don't wake up, I am really restless when I do sleep and I can't get comfortable- every position seems to make something hurt more or make me feel more dizzy or even more nauseous.
    I am convinced this is a brain tumour but a small part of me is still hopeful it's anxiety, I have no quality of life, I feel in some way unwell constantly, I cannot think about anything else. The thing which makes me think it's not anxiety is that some of my symptoms are worsened by certain movements - my dizziness is worse when I stand up or move my head in a particular way, for instance - how can that be anxiety?!

    The reason I won't see a dr at the moment (I know deep down I need to) is because this has been going on for so long that I am convinced I am terminal and so I just want a few more normal days with my family before my life and their lives change forever. I am so scared. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated, please.

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    Old 09-02-2016, 09:15 AM   #2
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    Re: Terrified I am going to die

    Hello, LH, and welcome!
    You poor thing, you sure are struggling. As someone who also experiences varying amounts of anxiety, I think that much of what you are describing can "just" be anxiety.
    I couldn't agree with you more, it sounds like you have ZERO quality of life. And you already know you need to see a doctor, so do it. Have some routine blood work done, an exam, and I bet you will be greatly relieved to see that you are fine. Then you need to deal with the psychological reasons you are not feeling well. In fact, no harm in mentioning to your primary doctor all of your anxiety symptoms and see what he recommends for you.
    You are way too young to be missing out on life like this. I'm so glad that you shared. Now you need to take action. A little side piece of advice is to consider taking up yoga and/or meditation. It does me a lot of good. Wishing you well, honey.

    Last edited by sweetpotato13; 09-02-2016 at 09:16 AM.

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    Old 09-02-2016, 09:35 AM   #3
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    Re: Terrified I am going to die

    Anxiety can manifest into very real physical symptoms...and extreme anxiety can ruin your life.
    You really need to talk to a doctor about getting on some antianxiety meds; because until you get the anxiety under control, there is no way that you can even begin to find out if there are medical problems. My guess is probably not....your symptoms are too random and too spontaneous, but you never know. Even something like migrane headaches can cause some of the symptoms you desribe, but I am still leaning towards anxiety causing them.

    Until you make up your mind that you want help and are willing to sit down with a doctor and talk to them honestly about what you are experiencing and ask them about your extreme anxiety, this will not stop. You have to take control of this situation.

    I really hope you will do that, because life is precious and for all the people out there who are dealing with chronic and fatal diseases and really have something to worry about, knowing that your situation is controllable and you are the only one stopping it from getting better is a very sad place to be in.

    I send you prayers of strength. Please get some help. You deserve to be happy.
    RRMS- dx 05

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    Old 09-02-2016, 12:17 PM   #4
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    Re: Terrified I am going to die

    Dear LH10,

    I haven't read your other threads but I will go back and read them. So I don't know what led up to your crippling fear yet. I want to encourage you, though, that the length of time you have suffered this anxiety and fear does not have anything to do with however long you have to live. Your emotions are a result of what you have been thinking. (I am not saying that disease is not real, but just that what we tell ourselves about disease is what creates the terror and depression: we can make ourselves physically ill just by worrying over what 'might' happen.

    Anxiety and it's symptoms never equals a death sentence. I understand the anxiety that goes along with the kind of thoughts you have. After all, death and disease are facts of life. Disease is a reality and death is a reality. I think your question is how do we live with those realities of life and not get controlled by fear.

    I, too, am vividly aware of the presence of death in this world. My beloved daddy died suddenly when I was just five years old, and I had already survived birth defects plus several accidents and diseases that doctors did not believe I would live through (one being arsenic poisoning). Now I am in my late sixties, and functioning fantastically, even miraculously, considering the serious accidents and diseases and abuse and neglect as a child that I experienced.

    Here I am, still, in my late 60's. I live with chronic pain and cannot tolerate pain medications, and some physical crippling that cannot be fixed. I remember when I could run and ride horses and leap for joy none of which I can do now. But thankfully I still enjoy driving, seeing, working and eating, doing some hobbies, and having friends & family. I still have a good life.

    For a fact, everyone and everything does die, though not everyone gets sick. To me, it was important to fully grieve my losses, esp. of my beloved father. I had to realize that had he lived, I would have grown up and moved from home and went on with my life. Realizing that fact allowed me to grieve the loss and move on. I will always miss him. But the reality of death didn't loom over me or cripple me now.

    Then there is the reality of accidents and disease and just plain old age. How to face that?

    It helped me a great deal when a wise friend once told me, Yaya, emotions always follow thoughts. Emotions do not just happen. They come from what we think.

    He told me that the brain cannot dwell on two subjects at once. now I admit that back then my brain was so cluttered with impressions and details that I didn't believe him. I really could get myself into a black pit of fear.

    But, my friend who himself had physical & circumstantial challenges of his own persisted and asked me to do an experiment: he told me to think about a really severe storm. To dwell on it. As I did that my mind became full of thoughts about dark skies and black clouds and sheets of rain and tree limbs breaking and flying through the air and flooding, and so on. I shuddered and felt cold and a little fearful (after all, I did know it was me choosing to think those thoughts).

    Then, he told me, now think about a bright sunny day. My mind filled with thoughts of sunlight streaming through the tree branches, colors of flowers and green grass, children playing, butterflies, birds flying and singing, and I was amazed how calm and relaxed and warm that I felt.

    My friend pointed out that we can and should choose what we dwell on, because our choices make the difference in what we feel and whether we can cope. And then I realized that yes there is disease and loss and ugly awful things that happen in this life. But I can choose not to dwell on those things and swell on the good and pleasant things of life, so that those times when something really does go dark or wrong (and yes we know those things can happen), but I can be optimistic that I deal with it when and if it happens.

    That experience changed my perspective, even though I didn't always practice it at first. I learned that I need to make it my choice to be thankful for the good and pleasant things of life and grow to become optimistic, and to choose to get out of my morbid thoughts. Admittedly, I can get into my pity puddles. But I know know I made that choice, and I choose to allow myself about 5 minutes in the puddle, then I choose to stop and dwell on what is good and lovely in my life.

    Even though death & disease and crime are realities, so is life, and health, and safety. My dear, you obviously are alive and your body functions, so you know that basically you are healthy. Don't let the harsh realities in life rob you of the joys and beauty around and in you. Yes it has been squashed down, but you can choose which to dwell on. It truly is your own choice.

    Are you afraid to dwell on the good things because they might be taken away? Whatever it is that holds you back, you alone chooses what to dwell on. You can start with, "hey, I am still alive and I made it this far!

    That said, diet itself can make or break our quality of life. A learned friend that saw my anxiety and depression when i was in my 20's taught me about the extreme importance of feeding our bodies with the B vitamins; and just about every person in the world is deficient in those critical vitamins because those vitamins do not build up and store in the body - they are depleted every day and have to be replenished every day.

    To get you started, I got permission to share these two important resources -

    Frankly, where my mind had been going, I would not still be here today had it not been for the two friends that I mentioned. Now, life throws me curve balls and I have challenges, I allow myself only 5 minutes in my pity puddle and I daily work on dwelling on what is good and lovely. I do get anxious at times, I do have to physically walk or shake it off, and I do now know which foods are downers for me...yep I indulge, but at least know what I did. Working on that!

    A psychologist pointed out to me that every single person has challenges to endure no matter who we are, no matter how rich or famous, or how loved...we have choices to make and the most important choice are what we choose to dwell on, and do we take care of ourselves.

    I hope my experience will help give you hope.

    ~ YaYa ~

    Last edited by Administrator; 09-02-2016 at 12:24 PM. Reason: (approved websites)

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    Old 09-02-2016, 02:17 PM   #5
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    Re: Terrified I am going to die

    So sorry your feeling this way.

    Our anxiety can make our lives horrible.

    Might be worthwhile to talk to a phychologist/phychiatrist.

    You might need some anxiety medication for a little bit to allow you to live a better life.

    Your not alone. I was having anxiety attacks bad enough to go the emergency room more than once thinking I was having a heart attack.

    Best of luck to you.

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    Old 11-01-2016, 07:03 PM   #6
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    Re: Terrified I am going to die

    I went thru the exact same thing. Convinced myself I had a brain aneurysm ready to burst... there was a constant feeling something in my head would explode and I would die on the spot, and it changed my whole life around. I wouldn't even bend over to pick something up for months for fear gravity would pop my aneurysm!! I absolutely am terrified of going to the doctor and avoid it at all costs, but I ended up going to the ER 3 days before Christmas because I couldn't handle the fear ruining my Christmas as it had every other day. I had no insurance, found out NOTHING, and ended up having to pay thousands of dollars. There was nothing wrong, no aneurysm, no tumor. Obviously I was very afraid that they didn't take me seriously because I was only 25 and they didn't REALLY look at the MRI scan carefully. After the brain aneurysm fear wore off, new ones came, just as intense. For years I thought I was having a heart attack every single day. It would sometimes be a heart attack AND a brain aneurysm within hours of each other- that's when I realized how fake and stupid the fear was, it is impossible to have a heart attack AND a brain aneurysm on the same day, and what the F would possess me to think that and to allow it to fill me with fear??
    After a while you see that its all stemming from one thing, from one fear energy which keeps stealing your attention.
    Your headache, physically, is probably TMJ. So many hypochondriacs like us have TMJ because it is CAUSED by anxiety. TMJ will give you dizziness, stabbing headache, all that.
    You are bigger than this. The fear will eventually pass, the key is to become aware of its pattern. I wish you all the best!!

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