HealthBoards (
-   Hypochondria (
-   -   fear of not being dead but of dying... (

PumpkinSeed 09-30-2012 04:47 AM

fear of not being dead but of dying...
i don't really care about the point at which i have died, but i really obsess about the process. will it come quickly? will it drag out? i think the worst part of it all is that i feel that i can't STOP it. i mean when it's your time to go it's your time to go right? the thought of me laying there losing control, ultimate control over my life freaks me the hell right out!

i am a TOTAL MAJOR hypochondriac and have been since i was a child. my mother was also one. i read medical books before dr. suess. i watched my mom get sick over and over, complaining and complaining... now my legacy is being passed down on my daughter, who will cry if i even mention her having a cold.. she is so fearful of illness (she is 15). she has moved in with her father because i stress her out too much.

i go to the doctor and hospital 5 or 6 times in a month at times. my fear right now is heart attacks. the thing that scares me so much about them is i am overweight, i smoke, i'm 42, i have a family history and high cholesterol and c reactive protein. i go in to the ER and i'm hooked up to an ECG in minutes... and its not because i'm demanding it, it's because they are expecting it when they look at me.

i have a therapist but she kinda wants to concentrate on my childhood issues and doesn't seem to help me deal with the anxiety and health worries.

i am wondering if anyone else has these control issues regarding the death process. if that's what freaks you out the most. im trying to figure it out on my own... is it OCD? control freak problems? fear of the unknown? i've had two near death experiences and i 'accepted' that i was going to die, but lived afterall, (car accident and almost dying during childbirth with my daughter). is it PTSD?

i need some help and don't even know where to begin. i have stopped showering, cleaning my house, i don't change my clothes for days. my stomach is full of ulcers (stress ones not the h. pylori ones) and all i do is obsess about every f***ing pain i have in my body, read symptoms on the net and play video games to take my mind off my obsessions. i'm falling apart physically from inactivity on top of everything else. i'm scared to leave the house.

slkane 01-05-2013 09:03 PM

Re: fear of not being dead but of dying...
Hi there from someone who can understand your horrible nightmare. I have let myself go. I used to take pride in what I wore, how my hair and makeup looked, etc. My constant fear of death and the dying process as well as health phobia that consumes me, has robbed me of all that. I do know what you mean. I am not afraid of the after-death afterall, I will be gone. It is the build up leading to it that frightens me. My dad died at home and I refused to go in the room with him. My mom and sister did and still cant get the images out of their heads. That absolutely scares me to death itself!! I cant even imagine what it was like, nor do I ever want to see anyone go through that, and of course myself included. I know we all have to die, I am just worrying myself sick over it all, just like you are doing.

writeleft 01-05-2013 09:40 PM

Re: fear of not being dead but of dying...
I am so sorry your have such a fear of what could happen, when you have real things that do need your attention right in front of you.

I understand the fear can be paralyzing, but please remember there are also people who will help you with your immediate needs. The secret to any change is to take baby steps.

Missing out of life in fear of death is the opposite of the bigger plan for our lives, in my opinion. It is a matter of balance. We must devote ourselves to the things we want for ourselves, rather than obsess about the things we dread. What we focus on is what we eventually create for ourselves.

My life was interrupted by 4 strokes, kidney failure, heart attack and serious injury. Finding the most positive frame of mind and attitude is enough to conquer each of our challenges.

Focus on life and life will follow.


Vrsvla 03-25-2013 10:47 AM

Re: fear of not being dead but of dying...
I know exactly how you feel, and honestly, I bet MOST people do too. Also, I smoke, and know how it feels having that stupid habit make things worse!

It isn't the state of death that's scary, but the thought of suffering and the fear. It's totally normal and just a tragic part of being human. For me, thinking about how it's a universal experience to feel that way helps. It's hard to embrace your own mortality, but once you do, you want to live this life to fullest. Trying to take care of yourself (let's both quit smoking!) will make you feel better too.

I hope you feel okay soon, sorry I can't offer better advice.

PumpkinSeed 03-25-2013 08:06 PM

Re: fear of not being dead but of dying...
i started taking zoloft and this obsession has cleared up quite a bit

Penguinboy55 03-06-2014 01:58 PM

Re: fear of not being dead but of dying...
I can relate to you, I am also a major hypochondria and I see doctor on a daily basis and a ambulance has been called several times because I was certain I am about to die. Both my parents were hypochondriacs and I got it from them. I'm also always worried about my moms health if she has a cold I immediately tell her to see a doctor as it could be something more serious.

anjmarie320 05-12-2014 03:47 PM

Re: fear of not being dead but of dying...
Yes i feel the same way, It's the whole process of dieing that scares me, from finding out what is wrong with me to actually laying in a hospital bed with days left. I worry that I don't want my family or friends to have to go though watching me die, once im gone i won't know but they will have to go on afterwards trying to live.

Jas 05-12-2014 04:05 PM

Re: fear of not being dead but of dying...
I feel like I could copy and paste your exact post and not a single change would need to be made. I have 4 young children, and the thought of leaving them behind terrifies me! My mother was sick ALL the time from my young teenage years into adulthood. She was 50 years old when she died, and not from natural causes. I am not allowed to discuss her matter of death in this part of the board, but I have posted in Grief/Loss about it. Anyways, I have lost 4 family members in a matter of the last 3 years, and my hypochondria started out of the blue about 3 months ago, with one bowel habit change, that spiraled out of control into an unrelenting fear of Colon Cancer. I've been to the ER, and just had a Colonoscopy, to try and ease my fears. If it's not Colon Cancer, it will be something else, and so on. I am terrified of suffering, I'm crippled by the fact that I know how mentally weak I am...Consumed by the awareness that I might not be able to fight what I've "got". I am very sorry for all of your suffering, but at least we have this board so we know we're not alone. :) Hugs your way.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:09 AM.